Love-less...

"Oh, I really should have known

By the time you drove me home

By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual goodbyes,

By the chill in your embrace

The expression on your face that told me

Maybe you might have some advice to give

On how to be insensitive..."

~~ Jann Arden, "Insensitive"

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

Family and friends, and anyone else on the outside looking in, oftentimes do NOT understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship. The most common reaction from outsiders is to say, "Why don't you just leave?" or, even worse, "Get out, get over it and move on." 

Those who have never experienced narc abuse/domestic violence simply don't have the perspective to appreciate the gravity and danger of the situation. It is imperative one remembers that the narc is a charismatic chameleon. 

What outsiders see holds NO resemblance to the beast that lives behind closed doors.

It is difficult to explain how it is simply NOT an option to leave and Get Over It. The victim believes he/she CAN change the situation -- but the narc keeps upping the ante. It is a never ending battle. And the intermittent acts of kindness and sweetness the narc offers are enough to keep the victim holding out hope for a happy ending. 

Narcs say they want love. But, by definition, what they consider "love" doesn't even remotely resemble the real thing... Like what normal people seek. 

"... I want love, just a different kind,

I want love, won't break me down

Won't brick me up, won't fence me in

I want a love that don't mean a thing

That's the love I want...

I want love on my own terms..."

~~ Elton John, "I Want Love"

The MAIN flag, though I didn't recognize it at the time, was all the women -- "friends" he called them. Now, I have ALWAYS gotten along better with men than women, so the vast majority of my friends are male -- so, I didn't think too much of it. 

When the honeymoon was over, if I didn't answer when he called, text or spend time with him (b/c I had to work) he IMMEDIATELY took that as a Green Light to have a booty call. And it wasn't my booty he was calling. 

I would have NEVER found out had he not slipped up.

While on lunch break one day, I received a text from a woman I didn't know. Attached was a picture of her in bed with him. The taunting message ranted about what a prick he was for not returning her phone calls and texts and to make me aware of what an asshole he was. 

You know that Gut instinct you have? NEVER ignore it. I had an inkling for quite some time something wasn't right, but I thought I was just imagining it. After all, he "loved" me and would never hurt me. 

From that day forward, Trust was shattered. And lying among the razor-sharp shards of what remained were the seeds from which the Beast would grow. 

Narcs are notorious for their infidelity. But the way they make you feel in the beginning, it is easy to believe that you are DIFFERENT. He certainly had me believing this. The "indiscretion" he had was simply a moment of "weakness" and he wouldn't have done it had I paid him more attention. And at the time, I believed his shit. 

So I worked harder. Loved harder. But it didn't matter. He developed a perma-smirk -- amused with my efforts KNOWING it was all in vain.

You eventually get to a point where you can't take it. So you leave. But before you know it, you are sucked back into the belly of the Beast. And those around you don't understand. They lose patience. They express their frustration. And finally they shake their heads and give up. So, you return to the only one you think understands you -- the narc. 

Looking back I should have left after the first red flag flew. But I was brainwashed, blind. I wanted so desperately to believe things weren't as bad as they seemed.

It was only when he had me by the throat throttling me, and I saw the black void in his eyes, that I KNEW I was no longer dealing with the person I had fallen in love with. 

It was an illusion. He didn't care. He didn't love me. I was a pawn. I was a toy. I was an excuse. I was Nothing. 

Friends and family of a victim of domestic abuse need to educate themselves about the cycle of abuse to fully understand the dynamic of what's going on.

I was undergoing a significant change. I was no longer the fun-loving carefree woman I once was. The bad part was, I thought I was holding it together and no one knew. I'd smile and try to be casual about things as though they were fine, but they were anything but.

I was dying inside.

Victims of abuse exhibit Tell-Tale signs in their behavior and personality that need to be heeded. We don't come out and say, "I need help" b/c that is the furthest thing from our minds. We feel like we've got this. But in reality, we don't. We are simply trying to survive and change a situation that, little did we realize, was doomed from the beginning.

Signs of domestic abuse can include:

~~ Isolation ~~ The victim no longer has a social life. He/she falls off the radar b/c they are too wrapped up in their abuser. Remember, the abuser controls ALL communication coming in and going out of the relationship. Isolating their victim from any potential "threats" that may blow their cover is the first preemptive strike.  

~~ Personality changes ~~ Individuals who were once known to be outgoing become increasingly introverted and quiet. They may no longer return calls or texts. Excuses abound as to why they can no longer attend social gatherings or lunch/dinner dates with friends. Oftentimes, he/she becomes depressed, which only adds to the struggle to survive.

~~ Physical changes ~~ Victims of abuse often deteriorate in ways that become increasingly noticeable. He/she may lose weight (or gain weight) due to the stress of the situation. The person may start to look haggard and more stressed out. 

~~ Appearance ~~ Similar to the lengths an addict will go to in order to conceal physical signs of their drug use, a victim of  domestic abuse that has become physically violent will adopt a similar strategy. He/she may wear long sleeves or pants to cover their bruises -- even in summer. Women will oftentimes wear more make-up than usual in an effort to cover blackened eyes or bruises to visible areas that cannot be covered with clothing or a scarf. If a bruise or injury is spotted, we are at the ready with a "plausible" excuse --- to protect the abuser AND ourselves from the abuser lest he/she should think we have reached out for help or "told on them"... Which can only initiate further, worse abuse. What makes this aspect even worse, is the victim BELIEVES he/she deserved it.

~~ Mannerisms ~~ As was the case with me, I became very jumpy. I was no longer wont to giving hugs freely. I jumped at the least little noise. And if someone approached me or reached for me too quickly I would shrink back to avoid their touch -- something so casual as a hand on the shoulder or a tussling of my hair. Eye contact became nonexistent. 

~~ Interference ~~ The abuser often takes it upon him-/herself to run interference when loved ones and friends try to contact the victim. The narc may answer the victim's phone or texts so he/she can keep a finger on the pulse of the situation. When in public with the abuser, the victim will often keep eyes cast down or refer all conversation to the abuser who is more than willing to interact in social settings as long as he/she remains in control.

It is essential that if you believe a friend or loved one is in an unhealthy situation that you approach him/her in a nonjudgmental way. I know it is difficult, actually impossible, to relate if you've never walked in the abused's shoes.

Leaving an abusive relationship is something that must be done on the victim's terms. Only he/she knows when it's time to get out. HOWEVER, there ARE situations where that time never comes. But I pray that those who are trapped in the storm eventually see their way to make it to the opposite shore.

With time, he/she will see the situation more objectively and, with it, the patterns. Education is KEY.

Once the fog lifted and I was able to see him for what he was and the situation as a whole, I knew I couldn't go back. NOTHING I would say or do could mend the damage or change the situation. I had to survive. I had to move forward. And as terrifying as it was, I had the support necessary to maintain NC and begin to heal.

To this day, I'm still healing. I live with PTSD triggers and anxiety day in and day out. The good days are beginning to outnumber the bad ones, but they still raise their ugly head now and again.

There is no excuse for a narc's behavior. Their wiring is wonky.

But your wiring, Dear, is NOT wonky. You are NOT broken. You are NOT damaged. You have just endured a horrific situation. Punches don't have to be thrown to give you scars. I always said I would have rather he just hit me repeatedly without saying a word -- not even an apology b/c I know it wouldn't be sincere. Bruises fade. But the venom with which the narc speaks breaks you down and leaves VERY deep scars that take a long time to heal.

Sadly, I don't think the scars ever really go away, they simply fade. But they DO make us stronger. And with that strength comes a tremendous beauty with which we build a new life steeped in Truth, Love and Light.

In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3