Wednesday, April 13, 2016

NO Contact 101...

"I don't feel you anymore,
You darken my door,
Whatever you're looking for,
Hey, don't come around here no more..."
~~ Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, 
"Don't Come Around Here No More"

Breaking the narc's hold is VERY difficult.

Up to this point, you have lived your life through and for the narcissist. So, going No Contact can prove one of the greatest tests thus far.

Going NC is YOUR way of saying, "I am DONE." And mean it. 

But, why is it so difficult to walk away from the narc? Let's take a look at a few of the intricately weaved elements and how they influence our ability to call it Quits.

Habitual Focus ~~ The narc has trained you to put him/her FIRST... Always. Anything that was of value to you, such as your time, boundaries, interests, relationships, career, etc..., has been systematically chipped away to a cold void. Things that once made you happy no longer appeal to you b/c your SOLE focus has become pleasing the narc. In the early stages of NC, it is completely normal to feel helpless, lonely, and lost. It takes a while to re-establish your footing, but you WILL get there.

Worthless ~~ Once you've been discarded by the narc, your sense of self is non-existent. Regardless of how confident you were or how much you did or didn't love yourself going in to the relationship, you are left shattered and, if you are lucky, a shell of who you once were. It is ESSENTIAL during this time that you NOT engage in negative self-talk. Although you may feel it, you are NOT worthless. You are HUMAN. And you have endured a helluva nightmare.

Brainwashing ~~ The narc is a MASTER manipulator. The methodical emotional and psychological breakdown of a victim is one of the narc's most insidious acts of abuse. It took me nearly two years before I could even admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that the relationship was Abusive. I think that deep down I KNEW it to be true, but I couldn't call it by name b/c of the fear and guilt I felt for my abuser. Add to that the overwhelming feeling of doubt he'd instilled in me. You MUST be patient with yourself once you break free to the other shore. It takes a LONG time to reclaim your OWN MIND. So please, please give yourself time to find the Truth you so desperately need to heal.

No Boundaries ~~ Essentially, the narc took ALL of you and trampled it beyond recognition. EVERYTHING you stood for, believed, thought, etc... has been defiled by the narc. In addition, all the shame and blame for the narc's toxic behavior has also been thrust upon YOUR shoulders -- yeah, he/she lied, cheated, hit you, etc... but YOU are the one who is painted as the abuser. Once you are able to see the relationship for the illusion it truly was, it becomes easier to sort through all the Bullshit to find what you KNOW is representative of YOU.

Validation ~~ Once I left my abuser, the ONLY thing I wanted was for someone to tell me I WAS NOT CRAZY. I needed reassurance all the time that I was NOT the person the narc wanted others to believe me to be. I wanted ANSWERS. What gave him the right to be such a Conniving Evil Prick? Why ME? How could he simply waltz away like NOTHING happened? What kind of soulless, depraved Asshole could behave like that and think it is OK? Once I began talking to others who had been where I was and started seeing a therapist all the pieces began falling into place. I know I will NEVER get all the answers I seek b/c there aren't any... and I will, likewise, NEVER get an apology from him.

But you know what? It doesn't matter anymore. I don't WANT an apology. Mainly, b/c I KNOW any semblance of an apology would 1) cause him immense pain to even utter and, 2) it would NOT be genuine.

I will live the rest of my days a VERY happy and contented woman if I NEVER have to lay eyes on him again. Now that does not mean that I cannot practice compassion. I pray for him... Often... From a GREAT DISTANCE, a SAFE DISTANCE b/c if there is ANYONE who is in need of guidance,compassion, forgiveness and kindness it's him and those like him.

As I've said time and again, YES I still get angry. But I don't let that anger dominate me or my life. I let it come. I let it go. And I've noticed over time, its visits are less frequent and don't last nearly as long as they once did.

And that is just it, the narc WANTS you to be angry, resentful, hurt, broken, lost... Why give him/her what HE/SHE wants when 1) it is detrimental to YOUR well-being and, 2) life is now all about YOU... yes, YOU.

It is at this point, you MUST remember, YOU are in control now.

Once the narc figures out that you are NC with him/her I promise you he/she will use EVERY POSSIBLE MEANS to slither back into the tiniest crack to throw you off track and regain his/her hold over you. He/she will likely go from one extreme to the other --- from "admitting" fault and promising you the World to a full-on offensive that smears you to the point its like he/she is trying to eradicate your existence. It is often during this phase the abuse and violence escalate.


I KNOW it is difficult. But you MUST be consistent and firm in your resolve. Even when the narc's FMs come a knockin' or calling, you CANNOT react. Period.

I've said it before and I will say it again, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

When you implement NC, YOU are setting necessary boundaries for YOUR healing. The narc and his/her happiness are no longer of any concern to you. YOU make the rules. YOU are finally back in control.

It is ESSENTIAL that you maintain NC -- otherwise, you risk MORE trauma, re-attachment and all the foulness that goes with it.

Don't worry, the narc's grandiose sense of entitlement and power will provide plenty of rope for him/her to hang him-/herself (figuratively speaking of course). Once they get mouthy, they get sloppy and start to stumble. Let him/her stumble AND FALL.

No worries, the fall won't cause the narc too much harm --- it just hastens the inevitable. You know, the part where those who have supported and bought in to the narc's delusions and lies but realize they have been duped.  

In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3

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