"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over,
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done.
But I don't wanna live that way,
Reading into every word you say,
You said that you could let it go,
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know.."
~~ Gotye, "Somebody That I Used to Know"
Triangulation is one of the first terms you learn in Narcology 101.
If there isn't drama, the narc is NOT happy. And one sure-fire way to spark drama is by triangulation.
It is also one of the WORST forms of domestic abuse in the narc's toolbox.
Domination, control, manipulation -- all these elements are the foundation of the narc-mind. And it is used to help nurture and maintain the ginormous sense of entitlement the narc carries with him/her EVERYWHERE.
Simply put, triangulation is commonly defined as:
Covert or indirect communication (by the narc) to a third party to enlist his/her help to further the narc's agenda. Basically, the narc pits people against one another; like how I said the role I played in the "relationship" was ENTIRELY dependent on who my abuser was talking to.
Regardless of the approach used, the message passed from the narc and/or his FMs to others is usually either totally fabricated or may contain a SINGLE GRAIN of truth at best. But you can be certain, whatever messages are being passed are being exchanged behind your back FOR A REASON.
I used to call my abuser's Flying Monkeys his Harem. Little did I know at the time, but I wasn't too far off.
It would piss him off and I WOULD pay for it, but I didn't care. I was hurt. I was depressed. I was lost.
There are essentially FOUR approaches to Triangulation. We will start with my abuser's ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.
Two-for-One ~~ If you didn't have any insecurities going in to the relationship you sure as hell will when you leave. My abuser THRIVED on attention from the opposite sex -- to the point of (pardon the expression) Nailing Ass and Taking Names... And numbers.
He would oftentimes brag about a woman who had been to his work flirting with him, his ex-wife calling begging him to come back, or an ex-girlfriend (who wasn't actually an "ex" just yet) who just wouldn't stop calling, texting and coming by to see him.
He acted SO helpless. Like he didn't know how to handle the situation (playing the Victim card). He was simply at their mercy, b/c he didn't want to be mean and well, "I'm sure you understand..." he would say.
Essentially what this tactic does is make you feel like you have to love harder and work harder to keep your man/woman interested so he/she doesn't have a "reason" to stray. Well, I'm sorry but, as a general rule, narcs will stray REGARDLESS. And I GUARANTEE he/she will lay the blame at YOUR feet. Remember, NOTHING is the narc's fault. EVER.
Divide and Conquer ~~ The narc derives MUCH joy from pitting two parties against one another. Either they get some sort of direct benefit from the conflict or it is simply b/c he/she is bored and needs some entertainment. Either way, the narc preserves his/her 'spotless' image he/she portrays to the world.
Oftentimes, the narc will seek help from family or close friends who are Sympathetic to him/her. Then, the narc will paint YOU as the abuser and rally support from his/her cheerleaders -- essentially, smearing you while pitting his/her 'supporters' against you.
This is why I have previously stated, dividing and conquering was my abuser's way of ensuring that he and ONLY HE controlled ALL information coming in and going out of the relationship.
Recruitment ~~ Narcs are unable to single-handedly maintain control without the help of FMs -- ESPECIALLY when you go NC. Those who rally for the narc's cause have only heard his/her side of the story -- and their support can quickly deteriorate to bullying -- they are OBLIVIOUS to the narc's Agenda. This tactic is right up there with Two-for-One as far as the emotional detriment it causes the victim.
Devalue and Discard ~~ The FINAL phase of the narc's Triangulation. It was at this point my abuser painted ME as the Stalker. Instead of being a rational, emotional human being who DISCUSSES things with his/her partner when a relationship is over, the narc takes the Coward's Way Out. Yes, they are Cowards from the word Go.
For the narc, it is much simpler to confide in others who support their cause. They feel Justified. The narc will NOT deny he/she has confided in others. It's yet another act of emotional abuse.
About 9 times out of 10, the person the narc has been "confiding" in is his/her New Supply.
The SECOND you show any kind of jealousy, anger, or hurt over the matter the narc will use it to his/her advantage. This is yet ANOTHER reason I can't stress Silence enough.
It hurts like hell.
You are left wondering, what is wrong with you? What did you do wrong?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
If the narc has replaced you and is bragging about how happy he/she is with his/her new partner do your happy dance as you make your way to the other shore... FAR, FAR AWAY. Because as soon as the New Supply even hints that he/she suspects something isn't right or leaves early on the narc will be right back to Lovebombing and Hoovering YOU.
Sadly, narcs prey on empaths.
What you are feeling at this stage is real and agonizing. It is difficult to see how much better off you truly are. It is only after you have been AWAY from the narc for a period of time that you finally realize how much easier it is to breathe.
There are no hoops to jump through. You no longer have to walk on eggshells. And, most importantly, you are FINALLY able to concentrate on YOU.
Don't give a Second Thought to the Smear Campaign or the narc's Cowardice Acts. Those who bought stock will discover they were scammed soon enough. I promise.
Rediscovering yourself while, at the same time, allowing yourself permission to fully experience every emotion you feel is the most liberating thing in the world. Like I said, it hurts like HELL for a while, but the pain soon fades to a subtle pang you may feel once in a great while, such as when you allow yourself to reflect on your experience.
Devalue and Discard ~~ The FINAL phase of the narc's Triangulation. It was at this point my abuser painted ME as the Stalker. Instead of being a rational, emotional human being who DISCUSSES things with his/her partner when a relationship is over, the narc takes the Coward's Way Out. Yes, they are Cowards from the word Go.
For the narc, it is much simpler to confide in others who support their cause. They feel Justified. The narc will NOT deny he/she has confided in others. It's yet another act of emotional abuse.
About 9 times out of 10, the person the narc has been "confiding" in is his/her New Supply.
The SECOND you show any kind of jealousy, anger, or hurt over the matter the narc will use it to his/her advantage. This is yet ANOTHER reason I can't stress Silence enough.
It hurts like hell.
You are left wondering, what is wrong with you? What did you do wrong?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
If the narc has replaced you and is bragging about how happy he/she is with his/her new partner do your happy dance as you make your way to the other shore... FAR, FAR AWAY. Because as soon as the New Supply even hints that he/she suspects something isn't right or leaves early on the narc will be right back to Lovebombing and Hoovering YOU.
Sadly, narcs prey on empaths.
What you are feeling at this stage is real and agonizing. It is difficult to see how much better off you truly are. It is only after you have been AWAY from the narc for a period of time that you finally realize how much easier it is to breathe.
There are no hoops to jump through. You no longer have to walk on eggshells. And, most importantly, you are FINALLY able to concentrate on YOU.
Don't give a Second Thought to the Smear Campaign or the narc's Cowardice Acts. Those who bought stock will discover they were scammed soon enough. I promise.
Rediscovering yourself while, at the same time, allowing yourself permission to fully experience every emotion you feel is the most liberating thing in the world. Like I said, it hurts like HELL for a while, but the pain soon fades to a subtle pang you may feel once in a great while, such as when you allow yourself to reflect on your experience.
Once you regain your footing, it is very difficult to shake the paranoia the narc instilled in you. To this day I am VERY cautious about who I allow in my inner circle. Then add to it the residual trauma. It SUCKS.
But I am here to tell you there IS Light, Truth and LOVE -- REAL LOVE -- on the other side of this ShitStorm you are experiencing.
May the Universe help you claim the guidance and strength necessary to find your way to the opposite shore... It is from there you will take your first steps on the Path that was intended for you all along. And it will be an Amazing Adventure filled with Light, Truth, and Love.
In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3
But I am here to tell you there IS Light, Truth and LOVE -- REAL LOVE -- on the other side of this ShitStorm you are experiencing.
May the Universe help you claim the guidance and strength necessary to find your way to the opposite shore... It is from there you will take your first steps on the Path that was intended for you all along. And it will be an Amazing Adventure filled with Light, Truth, and Love.
In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3
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