Show's Over...

"Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not...

... I know you're only sorry you got caught..."

~~ Rihanna "Take a Bow"

I can't count how many times I heard the "I'm sorry..." routine. 

Foolishly, I bought it for the first few hundred times. Yeah, hundreds. That's what happens when you want so desperately to believe. The hardest part is coming to terms with the FACT that your efforts and love are for naught. 

Abusers are masters when it comes to manipulating your emotions. They KNOW that you genuinely love and care for them and they take advantage it. The forgiveness you offer in the wake of their "heartfelt" apologies only helps fuel their continued misbehavior. They KNOW that, no matter what, you will keep forgiving them. They've left you with no choice -- or so you believe. If you keep giving, love harder, put forth more effort you WILL change them. It'll be OK. You will continue to be there for them to take advantage of and fall back on. But there MUST come a Final Curtain that falls. 

Once they realize you're hand is on the rope to bring the curtain down, the Beast comes out. And they don't hesitate to pull out ALL the stops.

HOWEVER, before you work up the courage to reach for the rope to close the curtain, you have been victimized beyond belief by the abuser's multifaceted approach to break you. Subtle at first, the abuse becomes more methodical and insidious with each passing day. 

Among the most popular tools in the abusers box:

**GASLIGHTING: Essentially, mental abuse. The abuser takes anything you say or do and spins it in such a way as to favor him/herself making them the victim and YOU the abuser. When used consistently over time, you begin to doubt your own sanity. Seriously. It fucks with your head HARD. 

**PROJECTION: All the issues your abuser suffers with I guarantee will be projected on you at some point if they haven't already. If they have issues with lying, YOU are the liar. If they cheat, YOU are the cheater. If the abuser feels guilty about something, he/she WILL do their damnedest to make you feel like the lowest of the low -- and you haven't done a thing. 

**MANIPULATION AND COERCION: Abusers are master manipulators across the board --- they MUST get their way or there's hell to pay. If you are insecure about ANYTHING they will use it to their advantage. For example, if you fear your partner may cheat, he/she may surround themselves with what they portray as "competition." You better behave, if you don't they want you to KNOW they have "options." And, as though it couldn't get more insidious, there's coercion. This happens when they ask for something and your initial response is, "No." They will continue to pester, nag, etc... until you FINALLY give in. At times, they may even use threats or violence to make you comply.  

**I'M THE VICTIM: This tactic is firmly rooted in the abuser's belief that the World is out to get him/her. NOTHING is his/her fault. If they get pulled over for doing 60 mph in a 30 mph zone, the cop pulled him/her over b/c the cop is out to get him/her. Anything negative that happens to them is SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. Abusers shun responsibility like a snake sheds it's skin -- only MUCH faster. When they speak about past relationships, jobs, etc... that didn't work out the reason ALWAYS falls on a third party. Period. 

**TWISTY TIE: OK, so this isn't a textbook term, but it's what I call it when the abuser takes their actions/comments that land them in hot water and twist it to make it YOUR fault somehow. Doesn't matter what it is. In the end, you end up apologizing for something you didn't even do. You're left with no choice but to apologize otherwise they WON'T let it go until they believe they've been relieved of their responsibility. 

**TRIANGULATION: Whether it was with family, friends (his, not mine -- I wasn't allowed to have many and even those were the ones of which he "approved."), or strangers, this is one my abuser kept in his pocket. Essentially, the abuser is the messenger. The idea is to keep EVERYONE isolated in independent circles and then the abuser shuffles from one circle to the next delivering different messages to influence others' views of the victim or how they see the abuser. The communication can be through action or words. The goal is to create chaos and/or further the abuser's "agenda." Another aspect of this is the employment of Flying Monkeys -- those individuals who believe the abuser's stories/lies and act on his/her behalf.  

**RAGE (or as I call it, HULKING OUT): It doesn't matter what the trigger is, but the abuser flies into a rage. The abused is left bewildered and shocked as to what just happened. As a consequence, you find you are forced silent or to submit to whatever they say just to make the anger/rage/violence stop.  

It took me quite a while to literally force myself to realize I'd been victimized by all the above tactics -- and then some. 

Take, for example, his serial cheating. It was one of many rotting pieces of material on which our "relationship" was based. I didn't realize it when I began the relationship. Trust me, had I known I was dealing with damaged materials I would have walked away from the project completely. But, at first, he was good with coating over the holes and bad spots with (at the time) believable bullshit and secrecy. 

Come to find out, I was one of many, many women. And, sadly, we had each been led to believe we were the only one. So what happens when you think you're in a monogamous relationship, you act like it, yes? You call. You text. You expect to spend time together. Unbeknownst to me, I was made out to be the stalker. (Projection at work here.) And when he would get caught with another woman, it was one of four staple excuses:

** I was stupid. I had a moment of weakness. 

** "Well, if you would do your job I wouldn't have to go elsewhere."

** "She's just a friend."

**"It wasn't me. You are mistaken." (My personal favorite **sarcasm**)

When I finally figured out what was going on, I did something my abuser wasn't anticipating. I popped every last circle with which he'd surrounded himself. Well, actually "I" didn't pop them alone. There became too much "cross contamination" and those who had been confined to their own circles began to see the same cracks I was seeing. Once communication opened b/t the circles it was Game Over. And the mask was ripped off. 

At this point the Beast will come unleashed OR it will find new supply (victims) to exploit b/c this scene is no longer fun. He/she isn't getting the expected applause to which he/she is accustomed. 

There comes a point when "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it anymore. A reasonable person will apologize for wrong-doing and not repeat said action. When you're dealing with a narcissist the opposite is true. Yeah, they apologize. But the apology is not only hollow, it is coupled with one of the above tools. No exception. Then the responsibility falls on YOU. Are you going to continue to put up with the drama and deceit, or will you exit Stage Left? 

I chose to exit Stage Left. I admit I watched from backstage for a few minutes to see how the act would end. True to form it was the same sorry routine, His begging for me to return to center stage -- it was my "Place." When I refused, the script turned to heckling, threats, etc... It took all I had not to run back to center stage just to make it stop. Then something miraculous happened. 

Well, not necessarily miraculous -- it was no different from what he'd been doing for many months -- he chose a volunteer from the audience to take my place. New supply. 

It was at that point the show was over. I pulled the rope and down went the curtain. And I walked away. 

Mentally, I still walk past that theatre every now and again. Not to reminisce. But to remind myself about why I left. 

It is sad how traumatic such a relationship can become. The scars you carry aren't always visible. And, believe me, you carry them. It affects ALL your relationships. There are now issues with Trust, Self-Doubt and Self-Esteem (all from prolonged exposure to the narc's toxic Triangulation, Gaslighting AND Twisty Tying). 

I am a firm believer that narcs should be forced to come with a disclaimer, "I am dangerous to your well-being. I AM TOXIC." 

But, alas, in its essence that would be wrong.

I pray that if you are still going through the motions of a tired script and dated show, may you exit the Stage soon and find your way to Truth, Light and Love. It takes time to recondition yourself. But it can be done. Truly. I know. I'm still in the process. 

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3 

It's a Bitch...

The past couple of days I've been meditating on Addiction. Sounds strange, I know.

Brian and I had more in common these past few years than I realized.

Whether your addiction is to drugs/substance, a person or a relationship... It is still an addiction.

My addiction was thinking I could change the unchangeable. I was addicted to an illusion. A situation that had no hope. But me, being the stubborn, trusting person I was, I thought I could make a difference.

The first question I get from many people, as do other Survivors, is "Why did you stay?". Well, the answer isn't so simple as, "I stayed b/c..." There are many reasons DV victims stay in their situation. No matter what reason one gives, the bottom line is fear. Fear of not being able to make it on one's own. Fear of what their partner may do if they try to leave. Fear of the repercussions if they do leave. Fear of what the future holds.

Personally, my addiction was thinking I could change him. I stayed b/c I thought if I could just love harder, work harder, give more and he would change. He would see the problem and make a genuine effort to fix it. Alas, that was not the case.

It is easy to get addicted to the high of intermittent approval. Little gestures of "appreciation," like token gifts, a kiss from nowhere, a smile, a 'good' day. But those are simply methods to keep you in the situation. The bottom line is, the relationship is an illusion based on control and manipulation.

I've oftentimes wanted so strongly to believe that he meant it when he said he loved me. But you don't destroy, lie to or cheat on those you love.

An apt Johnny Depp quote comes to mind,

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

In my case (I found out -- er, it was confirmed after the fact), there was a second, third, fourth, fifth, and on and on... There were more women than I had imagined. And sadly, few knew about the others. And the ones who DID know didn't care b/c of all the lies and stories they'd been told. I was the stalker. I was the one who couldn't let go. And I'm sure the same was said of the countless others who had been left in the dark thinking they were the only one and who had acted accordingly.

But as I said in my previous post, when everything is held together with lies, it falls apart at the seams VERY quickly.

Like Brian, I had an addiction. I was addicted to the illusion, or ideal -- if you will, of who I thought he was and what I thought we had. But when the mask dropped, I realized it wasn't real. And when it all came undone, he accused ME of being the toxic one. The cheater. The liar. The thief. Blah blah blah... I knew then it was time to go.

It is easy to get caught up. The adage that addiction is rooted in pain is TRUE. Realizing everything was a lie shook me to my core. It was like my heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped on before my eyes.

But once you realize you have a problem (not to sound cliche) it is essential to come to terms with it and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I refused to stay in a violent situation that was detrimental to my well-being. And as much as it hurt, I fought through the second thoughts, the temptation to make contact. And with time, all those urges faded. And the pain I'd endured the previous 2+ years began to ease.

As I sit here today, the pain is STILL real. It still aches from time to time. I still mourn. But I know that onward and upward is the only way to go.

I know Brian went through similar trials. Wanting to quit. Wanting to get sober. But the temptation to return to old habits was too great. Especially, when everywhere he turned he saw things through the haze of his addiction.

Sadly, the difference is obvious. I escaped, am still dealing with, and am actively using my experience to help make positive change for others struggling with the same demons I battled while in my situation. Brian's killed him. As much as I hate to say it, I fear that had I not gotten out when I did, mine would have killed me, too.

Last fall, I began working with the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It took me a couple of years to work up the courage to admit the reality of what I had been through and to realize it was NOT my fault. I have since worked with other organizations, speaking and writing articles about my experience. Doing my best to try and educate women AND men about DV.

Time DOES heal. But I would be lying if I said that there aren't times when revisiting those wounds doesn't trigger me. Each and every day, I still do battle with PTSD and anxiety... All of which is rooted in the trauma I endured.

Grieving is a process, as we all know. There are stages. And YES I have gone through the anger stage while processing Brian's death. While processing the situation I left. A part of me is mad as hell about Brian's death. Livid about the hell I endured. Just PISSED all around about ALL of it.

It took many months of therapy to help me process what I'd been through. And I learned that anger is healthy. You have to feel your anger. You have to process it. And you have to let it go. That doesn't mean it won't raise its ugly head (oftentimes at the most inopportune moments), but you learn to cope in a healthy way.

Each day I take a few minutes to meditate on and send positive vibes out to those who are struggling in a DV relationship. To those struggling with addiction. To those who are suffering. I also do the same for my former abuser. Like Brian, he struggled with his own addictions... And there were many.

I pray that one day those who are struggling find the strength to face down their demons. To have the wherewithal and clarity to say, "I need help," and MEAN IT. And to have the support system that is so essential to recovery. Uttering the words, "I need help" is one thing. You have to mean it and follow through. Otherwise, it's just words. And you MUST follow through with action. Otherwise, it is meaningless.

Judging someone on their past actions is wrong. We ALL make mistakes. Holding said actions against them isn't any better. AGAIN, we ALL make mistakes. BUT when those actions CONTINUE to repeat themselves (especially when veiled in lies) it is time to step away because the person has made a conscious DECISION. And when it becomes toxic to you and your well-being you need to separate yourself. Toxicity of that nature is like fleas... The fuckers jump. And whether you like it or not, you WILL begin to suffer alongside the person who is making the CHOICE to continue down a bad road.

As the Buddha once said,

"If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone. There is no companionship with the immature."

I wish there had been some way that I could have had the opportunity to use what I have learned thus far to help save Brian. But, he made the choices he made for a reason. I wish he had been able to separate himself from his drug buddies... The same ones who left him ALONE  to die b/c they were selfish chicken shit cowards. (Yeah, there's anger in that comment. And YES it is intentional.)

My mantra lately: Brian is finally at Peace. I keep reminding myself. He's feeling no pain. His struggle is over. He IS with me. He's in my heart. His addiction may have won, but it's now up to me to carry on and make sure he didn't die in vain.

"And when I'm gone just carry on don't mourn...

... just know that,

...I'm lookin' down on you smilin',

And I didn't feel a thing so baby, don't feel no pain, just smile back..."

~~ Eminem "When I'm Gone"

In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3

Hiatus...

My apologies for a few days' hiatus... 

If there is one lesson DV recovery teaches you, it's that self care is of the utmost importance. 

Last Friday, I lost my cousin, Brian, to heroin overdose. He was 37. He was a son. A brother. A father. A friend. A human being. A precious Soul. Even though he's only been gone less than a week (I was notified around 6 pm... He was found ALONE @ 5 pm) it all STILL seems surreal. He DID NOT deserve to die... not like that. 

I have spent the last week trying to heal and come to terms with this tragedy; one that I know affects millions of families... Our family is not special. But as far as I'm concerned, Brian WAS special. Yes, he had issues. Yes, he was an addict. He needed help. But like so many addicts I'm sure he thought he could outrun his demons... And when he found he hadn't the stamina or ability to do so in a healthy manner, he ended up chasing (technically, shooting it; although "chasing" is often the term used to describe the addict's quest to recapture that First High) the dragon.

And it killed him.

Similar to trying to overcome addiction, dealing with the trauma, rebuilding your life, rebuilding relationships, and finding a new normal following a DV relationship takes stamina. It takes guts. It takes determination. It takes strength. 

You think, "I got this." And when you realize you don't, you aren't sure where to turn. 

Odds are, your abuser sufficiently cut you off from friends and family and, to add insult to injury, told enough stories and lies to make you out to be the bad one that you feel (felt) helpless as to where to turn. Yeah, the world may buy the abuser's stories and lies for so long, but you know what? It doesn't last. 

Everything that is held together with lies comes apart at the seams VERY quickly. I promise you this.

The key is to find healthy resources to help you regain your balance. Regain your stability. Reach out to friends and family. Reach out to agencies and organizations that specialize in DV situations. And above all, keep yourself SAFE.

Once you learn to ground yourself (and stay grounded) those triggers that once left you panicked and a complete wreck sway you no more than a passing gust of wind. 

I am still learning. I still don't have all my shit together and I'll be the first to admit it. Sincerely. But, I DO know where I am. I am WELL AWARE of where I've been. And I know where I AM going. I also know, I am a SURVIVOR. 

And though Brian wasn't able to survive his addiction, he is no longer in pain. He isn't running from the demons that chased him for so long. He has finally found Peace. And he is with me. 

Just as my DV experience taught me many lessons I've gone on to use to help others, this loss too shall be what propels me forward to be a voice for CHANGE. I wasn't able to save him, but I AM able to try to make a difference somehow, somewhere for someone. 

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3

Calm Abiding...

When I first discovered Buddhism one aspect that really piqued my interest was Samatha -- single-pointed meditation intended to nurture Calm Abiding.

After years of living in a heightened sense of Fight or Flight to even think I would be able to reach even a pinch of a remote level of Calm Abiding seemed nearly impossible. While focusing my attention my Monkey Mind kept leaping from one branch of thought to the next trying to figure out Buddhism's stance on DV.

To spare myself the trauma of leaving myself open to the uninformed opinions and suggestions from those unfamiliar with DV I went in search of answers on my own.

New to the Buddhist path, I was thrilled to uncover several papers, studies and lectures on the subject. And the content of what I found certainly opened my eyes.

Here's a brief breakdown:
Psychological abuse (including, but not limited to): intimidation, humiliation, putdowns, threats, etc... are all considered misconduct in the Buddhist tradition. Essentially, they're "mental violence" and go against the Fourth Precept of falsehood -- wrong/harmful speech.

Physical abuse (including, but not limited to): biting, slapping, choking/throttling, slapping, etc... These again are considered wrong and a violation of the First Precept of nonharming (ahimsa).

I was, unfortunately, familiar with a few of these. But what really made my jaw drop were the examples of sexual misconduct/abuse.

Sexual abuse (including, but not limited to): sexual humiliation, refusing to use contraceptives, coerced sexual acts, etc... These acts violate the Third Precept that speaks against sexual misconduct, harassment, violence.

Contrary to what he wanted me to believe such acts were NOT normal in a healthy relationship. These acts were a means of Control. Control that he seized methodically piece by piece over a long period of time.

Now, for those who have followed the Buddhist path for a longer period of time, these points are no surprise. But, like I said, I was still relatively new on my journey and needed explanations, Help. To try and make sense of the hell I'd endured.

His excuse was always that if I would just do my "job" or "behave" the bad shit wouldn't happen. Looking back I see those "justifications" as lame-ass excuses for cowardice acts. NOTHING gives someone the right to treat another as less than human.

With time, meditation has helped lead me to that space of Calm Abiding. I have noticed a sudden shift -- things which would have previously rocked me to my core now hit me as light rain drops.

Feeling more grounded has helped me to look back at my experience, sit with the feelings of hurt and anger. Get to know them. See them for what they are. And let them go. That doesn't mean that they don't return every now and again, but I no longer invite them in for tea and a long chat of painful rehashing.

Being more mindful has also helped me to manage my triggers and anxiety. PTSD is a bitch. It takes time, But you CAN learn to cope. It doesn't make them go away. When the loud noises, nightmares/terrors, flashbacks, avoidance, sights and sounds thrust you into Fight or Flight you learn to Stay and breathe. It is painful. Sometimes it is downright paralyzing. But you finally get to a place where you recognize the triggers for what they are --- triggers.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't offer prayers and positive vibes to my former abuser. Praying that he one day has the strength to confront his demons, to make amends to those whom he has harmed, and to have the fortitude to not intentionally harm anyone else again. To love himself. And others. To see this Gift of life for what it is and not squander it. And to realize Cause and Effect are real. That which we give out DOES come back. Maybe not immediately, but we all have Karmic debt we must pay.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama was once asked what he would do if he was ever attacked. His answer: Run away. And it is true. Running away is not being weak, it is a matter of self preservation. Violence achieves NOTHING. It may give you relief in the short-term, but you must think of the long-term. And have enough respect for yourself to not jeopardize who you are and what you're meant to do while on this Journey.

You DO NOT have to stay in a toxic situation. But, believe me, when in the belly of the Beast you don't believe you have that option. But you DO.

It is OK to flee the toxic situation. Then when you are safely on the opposite shore out of harm's way (and only then) is it OK to stop, turn around and offer compassion.

I am the first to admit I STILL have days where I get VERY angry about how he harmed me. The emotional, psychological and physical pain and the effects of which that I deal with to this day. How he stole the faith and trust I had in others for so long. But I sit with that hurt and pain. I work through it. I may cry while doing so, but I still watch it, feel it, and hear it out and then smile. Yes, smile.

As much as all that hurt sucks, it is no longer a danger to me. I carry the scars that no one can see. But it has made me who I am today. It has helped me to find my faith... again. But stronger. It has made me reevaluate myself, find myself and come back braver, more confident, courageous and loving than before. And for all that I thank him.

You may think I am crazy for what I've written here. And that's OK. I don't expect you to understand. But for those who read this and connect with what I am saying, I say, "Namaste."

In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3

Viewer Discretion Advised...

The 19th century playwright Oscar Wilde once wrote, "The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame."

And the same holds true today... in the digital.

In 2010 when Eminem's video for "Love the Way You Lie" was released, I'm sure many of you recall the outrage the ensued. I admit, the first time I watched it, it struck a nerve with me. I wasn't in a DV situation at the time, little did I know I would be. But it was Powerful.

A little more than a year later when I found myself in the midst of my own storm, the song took on a whole new meaning.

DV is not an easy topic to talk about. I get that. It is downright painful, especially for the Survivors. BUT DV is prevalent in our society whether we like it or not... Whether we talk about it or not. And it is time to TALK.

The storm clouds don't gather overnight. It is a process. A methodical, insidious process.

As Wilde alluded, those things that show humanity its flaws/sins are shunned and called out for their "filth," "violence," "blasphemy," etc.... But I DO NOT believe accurate portrayals of DV, like Eminem's song/video should be ignored, boycotted or avoided. We as a society need to stand up and call the Beast by its name.

** Eminem hasn't been the only one to speak out, but due to the graphic nature of his approach he was called out. Other artists like Eve ("Love Is Blind"), Til Tuesday ("Voices Carry"), Suzanne Vega ("Luka") and Pearl Jam ("Rearviewmirror") to name a few have broached the subject with a little less push back.**

I remember listening to a talking head on one of the major news stations literally going OFF about the video. She said, (I'm paraphrasing here) "He sings, and I quote, 'If she ever tries to fucking leave again I'm gonna tie her ass to the bed and set this house on fire..." She was appalled that our Youth was listening to such Violent lyrics. "That is music? That is art?" Totally indignant. What gives him the right to rap such things? IT'S REALITY. That is what gave him the right, Lady.

DV is the taboo subject we thrust under the rug. And it's time to rip up that rug. We think nothing of it when junior asks for the latest shoot-em-up video game, listens to violent music or consumes other forms of violence on television and in movies. After all, violence (like sex) sells. Society has no qualms about it. But why such outrage when society is shown its own Shame when it comes to DV and its lack of willingness to seriously address it?

"People say it's best to go your separate ways... guess they don't know you..." Yeah, it is easy for the outsider to offer their opinion... especially when they've never been in the depths of the abyss.

Statistically speaking, it takes a DV victim SEVEN attempts to leave. SEVEN. So, despite those who freely comment on DV and voice their adamant opinions (which they have every right to do, I just wish they were better informed before passing judgment) it isn't so easy as to simply walk away.

The moment a woman (or man) leaves -- and for several months (and sometimes years) following -- is the MOST DANGEROUS time. The abuser then knows he (or she) has lost control and will do whatever it takes to get the other back. The best hope a Survivor has is that his/her abuser finds new supply or something else to attract his/her obsessive attention.

I admit that after I left and started rebuilding my life and myself, I couldn't watch the video for quite some time. The song echoed in my head off and on... I was trying to make sense of what happened. How the hell did I end up there?

You've heard the saying the best way to get over your fear is to confront it, yes? Well, that is the logic I followed.

So one day, I faced down what had haunted me for so long and confronted the Reality and watched it again for the first time. When I did, the tears streamed down. My heart ached not only for my own experience, but for the millions of those still caught in the midst of the abyss.

For those who scoff at the "simplicity" of a Choice to watch or not to watch a video, I don't expect you to understand. And if you don't, that is OK. Just please try to refrain from passing judgment on something about which you have no experience.

I can't count the hundreds of promises my abuser said that he would never lie again. He would never put hands on me again. He would never cheat again. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but I was his world and he would never act that way again. I would later learn that is called the Honeymoon period. They win you back and things are great for a while, until you step out of line again. Then the Beast rears its ugly head and the cycle of violence begins again.

When Rihanna sings, "just gonna stand there and hear me cry..." that IS what they do. I still have flashbacks to the countless times when I would be sobbing in front of him begging him to change. Each time he would apologize saying he didn't know why he did the things he did.

The Detroit rapper says, "I apologize even though I know it's lies..."

And, as ironic as it sounds, that is the Truth. It's lies. What my abuser said were lies.

Wilde was onto something. I firmly believe he would be one of the loudest voices speaking out on behalf of those suffering DV. Calling for a SERIOUS discussion about how to put a stop to one of Society's most taboo topics that shows the world its Shame. And if no one would listen, I would like to think he would be a booming Voice putting pen to paper writing a work (or even going digital w/video or blog) that would make Eminem (and other artists' works) look tame.

In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3

Finding my Path...

It has been one year since I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and anxiety disorder.

I am still learning to manage my triggers. I am still finding out new things about myself I never knew. and I'm still learning to manage the anxiety. But it is a process. And I'm getting better... Slowly. 

(I have been blessed with a tremendous support system. And for that I will be eternally grateful.)

This isn't uncommon for DV survivors. Statistically speaking, it is my understanding that it is nearly impossible for anyone who crosses paths with a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to escape unscathed. Especially when that person is their abuser and they're involved for a lengthy period of time -- not counting the numerous times they attempt to leave. 

In my case, the damage was severe. 

For the longest time I didn't understand what was wrong with me. The nightmares. The flashbacks. The anxiety. The general dis-ease. Something was NOT RIGHT. And when I finally left it got 10x worse. Until he found new supply. 

While in the midst of the storm, Pavlov's Dogs had nothing on me. 

A single txt or call and I was right there to answer for fear of what the repercussions would be if I didn't. I lived in fear. Fear of what he would say. Fear of what he would do. Fear of what he would tell others. He WAS my boogeyman.

Balance that with the tidbits of approval I would get for behaving. The simple kiss. The 'thank you' for the kind things I still found myself doing for a person who clearly didn't care whether I was there or not. I thought I could change him. I thought I could make it all better. After all, he "loved" me. 

Unfortunately, I was a pawn in a demented game. I was his recreation. But those little acts of kindness were all I needed to feel validated... that what I was doing mattered. 

Come to find out, he had many people convinced I was the problem. And they believed him for a while, That's the Narc's game. But it wouldn't last long. Things fall apart quite easily when they're held together with lies. 

How It All Began... 

In the beginning, he was all I thought I wanted. In actuality, he mimicked all he thought I wanted. He played the part well and certainly deserves an Oscar for that performance. It won me over. 

Then the wheels began to fall off... lug nut by lug nut... screw by screw... wheel by wheel... 

It was not unusual to receive 50+ txt messages and MULTIPLE phone calls throughout the day to check to see what I was doing -- and that was on a GOOD day. Sadly, that became my norm. Bad days, Lord help me. At one point, I received 60+ phone calls and hundreds of txt messages in a single day... Calling me every name in the unholy Book of Profanity... Would be nothing to get a "Fuck You" followed a few hours later by "I'm sorry, Baby I'm just having a bad day. I didn't mean to take it out on you, please forgive me." Then a few hours later when I didn't respond to a txt quickly enough it was another "Fuck You... Answer your goddamn phone!"... I'd scramble to call and beg forgiveness only to get a barrage of how I didn't care, I was a worthless piece of shit. And this tirade was all my fault. If I would just do what I was supposed to he wouldn't have to act like this. Blah Blah Blah.... 

That was when I was attempting to leave the first time. I tried to act as though life was OK. Once again, I would adamantly say, "I've got this." Clearly, I didn't.

Then the Honeymoon phase would hit and the cycle would start again.

For whatever reason, I still desperately wanted to believe he did love me and if I could just do what was expected he wouldn't lash out. Oh, how silly I was. Actually, the term Dumbass comes to mind. 

He successfully isolated me from friends and family. Working was a chore -- juggling working with being on-call to answer any txt or call that came through. He had me convinced that was how it was when you were in a relationship. He was to be the center of my world, and I likewise his. What he failed to mention were all the other relationships he had on the side. The dealings under the table. The illicit activities that he knew I wouldn't approve of, but was none the wiser b/c he was a Master manipulator that kept all interested parties in separate circles. Little did he realize, I had caught on to his game. I was just unsure how to handle it b/c I knew what would happen if I dared to question.

What he didn't count on was my growing strong enough to blow all those separate circles to bits. 

It was then the mask began to slip. And once I glimpsed the void beneath I grabbed hold and tore it from his mocking face. I knew it was all an illusion. It was all lies. Talk about pissed. Talk about feeling foolish.  

When I would question him about all the "rumors" I was hearing, everyone was LYING. Everyone was out to get him. I should give him the "benefit of the doubt." After all, I should trust him. Period. The worst thing you can do to a man who is trying to better himself is remind him of his past, he would say. That is all fine and good if he is making honest attempts to become a better person, but when those mistakes keep repeating they become a Choices. To hear him tell it, Everyone was out to get him. Including me, for believing them. 

What now... 

One thing those who are unfamiliar with DV need to understand is DV does NOT happen overnight. 

It is methodical. It starts with jabs to make you question the little things... your looks, your abilities, your talents, your relationships. And it escalates from there. But when you are in the midst, you don't see it as such. You think, well this person cares. He's just trying to help me better myself. He is pointing out what I should fix to become the best version of me. WRONG. It is designed to make you the best version of you that the abuser can CONTROL.

By the time I realized what a world of shit I was in, my self-confidence and self-love were nearly nonexistent. Looking back, I still want to kick my own ass for ever believing. 

It wasn't until the physical assaults began that I knew I had clearly dropped This. I needed help.

As I clutched the rope extended to me by a beloved friend, the ensuing months were a roller coaster of self-doubt tempered with glimpses of normalcy and realizations about what I needed to do to get out to survive. I needed to distance myself. I needed to risk the danger that may be inevitable. But anywhere was better than where I was.

My abuser made me own everything I "DID." I will be the first to admit I quickly came to his defense. Had I not spoken up, he wouldn't have hurt me. Had I held up for him, he wouldn't have hurt me. Had I done my JOB, he wouldn't have cheated on me. Had I upheld his lies and had his back he wouldn't have lashed out so violently. 

How I found my Path...

I was baptized Methodist when I was young. It was at the request of my Dad who passed away shortly after my baptism. It was the one thing he wanted to see before he passed. But I always stumbled with the excuses and dismissive attitudes that, "The devil made me do it..." or "We are imperfect creatures who were born into a world of sin..." I was looking for personal accountability. And I simply didn't find it there. That doesn't mean I don't respect that faith, I do. But it simply isn't a fit for me. I don't feel comfortable there. 

As I clawed my way from the depths of this hell I'd called home for so long, I knew there had to be something more.

It was at this point that I found Buddhism.

When I entered therapy and began to delve into the depths of my situation -- my therapist clearly called it abuse, I felt like I'd been hit by a VERY fast-moving heavy thing that didn't bother to stop and even had the gall to back up and run over me a second and third time before speeding off. So if any of you happen to get the license plate of that son-of-a-bitch lemme know, k? I want to buy him a beer. 

My therapist made me see the Truth. I realized that it wasn't me. I didn't deserve to be demeaned. I didn't deserve to be humiliated in public. I didn't deserve to be called names. I didn't deserve to be struck. I didn't deserve to be raped. I didn't deserve to be throttled. 

I have a choice. I have a voice. And I have a right to be treated as a human being. And above All, I have the power to change my situation. 

I'm not ready for the monastic life, but I am open about my faith now... to a degree.

If there is one thing that my studies have taught me thus far is that we are ALL responsible for our actions. There is no, "Oh, the devil made me do it..." or "Oh, I was born imperfect..." Yes, you were. HOWEVER, that does NOT give you the right to demean, abuse or harm another living creature. PERIOD. And saying one Hail Mary or Father Forgive Me and then going back to being an abusive asshole doesn't cut it. Sorry. 

For those who are in the midst of the storm or trying to escape the abyss PLEASE HEAR ME. This is NOT your fault!!! You did NOTHING to deserve to be ABUSED. 

It has taken many a late night... Many a long afternoon of meditating and pondering my situation. And, yes, though I am out, there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't cross my mind. And that is not pining over what was lost. It is praying and sending good vibes his way that he may one day find peace. That he may not harm another living soul... EVER. 

I am still learning, but I firmly believe Happiness comes from within. And meditation has worked wonders for me to find that calm grounding that is essential to really get to know the inner self we all try so desperately to avoid. It can be downright painful when you take a good look and spend some quality time with those parts of you that are anything but pixie dust, sunshine and lollipops. It fucking hurts sometimes. But we have to learn to sit with that pain. Get to know it. And in doing so we learn way more about ourselves than we ever imagined. Believe me. It's true. But on the flipside, you will be better for it in the end. 

And learning to ground and stay calm and in the moment has helped me beyond words when it comes to managing my anxiety. It calms the 'what ifs' and worry about the future should I ever cross paths with my abuser again. Can't say I have my shit together, but I am fairly confident I am a helluva lot stronger than he remembers or could ever give me credit to be. And for that I am blessed and thankful. 

For the first time in many years, I can say, "I've got This" and it's not uttered in arrogance, but from a place of calm abiding and faith that I've nothing to fear.  

I do hold him completely accountable for what he did to me. But I also firmly believe that the actions, words and thoughts we put out come back to us in one form or another. I know that wherever he is, he has plenty of time to think and reflect over what happened. I know that somewhere deep down he MIGHT be sorry for the hell he put me through. But I also realize it is on him to make amends with himself and do differently in his actions and words to counteract the bad shit he put out in the Universe. 

For my part, I have to forgive. I have to be able to move forward without the albatross of his abuse hanging about my neck. And I am content with that.

Thankfully, my friends and family are aware of where I am right now in my recovery. Yeah, I have quirks. Yeah, I have to sit facing the door when I'm in public. I have to know where all exits are at all times. Yeah, I have an exaggerated startle response. Yeah, I still have nightmares. Yeah, I still space out every now and again and may have a panic attack or two or three or four... 

But you know what? I am HEALING. I am MOVING FORWARD. And whatever I can do to help others I will do my damnedest to do so. Sporting my cracked Disney Glasses and all. 

If I can help another to find the light and love I've been blessed to find I will. 

Just b/c someone is toxic to you does NOT mean you must hate them or wish them ill. In fact, the absolute BEST thing you can do, that I've found, is to forgive them, show them compassion (from a distance) and send them love and positive vibes. 

They have their own battles cut out for them. Being negative only detracts from your peace of mind. 

Just please reach out for help if you need it. Be safe. Have a plan. And have a support system.

Take care of yourself. Healing starts from within. 

I am still relearning so many things... From the basics of how healthy relationships are supposed to work to knowing it is OK to put myself first when it comes to healing, healthy boundaries, and self-care.

I've said it before and I will continue to say it for eternity. You ARE Beautiful! You are worthy of Love, Respect and Happiness. And if anyone tries to tell you differently, they're full of shit. Sorry, but it's true. 

Take care of YOU. 

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3

Carpe de Blog...

So why blog now? I honestly don't have an answer for that. I could say it's b/c 42 is creeping up quickly and I'm running out of time... But that's a lame-ass excuse. There's no better time than Now.

Carpe de Blog, eh?

I've often been told that when you are able to recount your story without crying then you are on your way to healing. And I believe that is Truth. I have my moments, but overall I have come a very long way over the past year.

Yeah, damn right. I AM proud of me.

I want to make it clear that I am by no means attempting to persuade or push my viewpoints on anyone. Those who know me will attest that I am truly open-hearted (to a fault, I would argue) and have a low tolerance for any negativity. Whatever your Faith, I truly believe we are all connected. We are one. And we are certainly barreling through the Universe on this Rock together. No man is an island.

There's nothing that makes my story any different from yours. We all have our trials. We all have tests -- many we don't get the opportunity to study for and some we do. For those exams we fail, we inevitably suffer the consequences. But we learn. And we move forward. There is no other option.

This blog is intended to be my vehicle for moving forward. And hopefully help others along the way.

I once owned some Disney Glasses -- you know, the Rose Tinted ones that look really groovy with any outfit. (Yeah, those. The ones with the John Lennon-inspired frames.) That is, until they were metaphorically snatched from my face by an infuriated fist and shattered to pieces with a single hard stomp and repeated blows meant to ensure they could never be pieced together again. But to the dismay of the perpetrator, I've patiently and gently gathered nearly all the pieces -- even the tiniest shimmering specks -- and I glued them back together. (I am STILL finding fragments here and there that I delicately glue back into place.) Now I own a pair with tilted frames that, like myself, are imperfect but try their damnedest to fulfill their intended purpose. And though they're full of cracks and divots they still allow me to see the World as I once did -- only with different perspectives depending on how I tilt my head lol.

Looking back, I thank him. But more importantly, I forgive him.

All the rage and energy methodically used to snatch away my innocence was meant to break me. But it didn't. It made me stronger -- but not without first hurling me to the deepest depths of a hell that even Lovecraft or Dante couldn't have fathomed.

It's just a shame I wasn't able to pack first. I mean, really. Had I known, I would have made sure my self-confidence and self-love were gently cradled in industrial strength bubble wrap and packaged so they could survive the savage beating they'd endure. (Of course, those should ideally be intact before packing... but that's another thread for another time.)

But I am NOT special. I am one of millions of men and women who are either in the depths of the abyss, clawing frantically to escape the storm, or have successfully escaped only to find they were stronger than they ever imagined. And for that we are SURVIVORS.

One's abyss may not be domestic violence. It may be addiction. It may be any number of unhealthy or toxic situations -- some circumstantial, some of one's own making. The key, that I've found, is to find the strength to take that all-important step back (and if you stumble, it's OK. Simply stand up and dust yourself off and try again -- sounds cliche, but it's true.) and see what's going on around you for what it is. It could very well be one of THE hardest things you ever do. And that is OK, too.

If you need help, ask for it. Seriously. There's no shame in saying, "I thought I had this. But I think I dropped it. Will you please help me?"

How do you think I was able to find all those teeny-tiny shards of rose-colored glass? The frames were easy to pick up... it was all the little parts that were a bitch.

I was stubborn. Damn near arrogant if you ask the right people. "I've got this." That was my mantra. Til it all fell apart and I damn near died in the process -- literally.

I straight dropped "This."

The infamous "This" was nothing more than an Illusion. An elaborate mirage of what I believed to be Love. Looking back, it was anything but... It was Control. It was Manipulation. It was Sadistic. It was Lies. And above all, it was Toxic -- to all that I was physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. I lost myself trying to save another who didn't want to be saved.

Trying to resuscitate what I thought to be a relationship was like offering up minuscule pieces of my Being infinitesimally small piece by infinitesimally small piece. Until there was nearly nothing left.

If you've ever had the unfortunate experience of nearly drowning, that is what it felt like. With each gasp I inhaled more Toxic Shit. Only b/c I was unknowingly swimming in a wasteland while he watched from the shore. Laughing. Screwing. Lying. Taunting my distress. And laughing some more.

With as full of a breath as I could muster I finally screamed for help and accepted an outstretched hand that clutched a rope to pull me to safety. That outstretched hand belonged to just one person, but I was amazed at how many people had lined up behind her to help save me. Each and every one firmly grasping the rope and pulling in unison.

Over the course of many months as I made my way to a distant shore far from where he stood, I continued to hear the echoes of the filth he yelled about how they were going to kill me. How they were lying. How they would hurt me. How they weren't what they seemed. How they didn't give a damn about me.

Now I realize those insidious, slanderous comments were mere Projection. HIS projection.

There was nothing to be scared of -- but when I was suffocating in the depths of his world the Pope himself couldn't have convinced me otherwise.

That is the hardest thing to come to grips with -- even now. It was ALL illusion. There was no Love. You DO NOT destroy what you L-O-V-E.

You want to talk about feeling like a Fool? Ha! Hell, I STILL shudder at my own naivety and ignorant willingness to trust and believe the shit I was being force-fed was Caviar.

Please don't misinterpret my venting here as bitterness or anything even remotely resembling it. Believe you me, it's NOT. If anything, I hope it serves as an inspirational anecdote that prompts others in similar situations to call BULLSHIT now WITHOUT FEAR.

Abusers are Cowards. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Kind of like the Boogeyman who lives in our closets and under our beds when we are children. Once you flip the light on (or pull off its mask) an empty void is all that remains.

I don't care what your belief system is. Christian. Catholic. Jewish. Hindu. Atheist. Buddhist. Witness. Even if you align with the First Church of Carlin... I DON'T CARE. What I DO care about is that you see yourself for the Beautiful Being you ARE! As I said earlier, we are ALL in this together.

If this fly-by glimpse into my encounter with the anti-Disney is of any help to another then this post was not written in vain.

As I close this out, Demi Lovato's "Really Don't Care" is playing on the iHeartRadio station I've running in the background. Define Irony lol...

Yes, Universe. I'm listening.

In Love and Peace,
Namaste <3