tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89288634322879482502024-03-05T00:26:30.644-08:00ZenWarrior42Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-67286847412805934782016-05-21T09:44:00.002-07:002016-05-21T09:47:23.551-07:00Loving Kindness... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2gdPysf-c81_JpcEutpjh1e-I2mwH1fV1nmTp7CrxqdbjUV7o8YPiUZ-SRhwCW0vxXO5NCTFd1znkSV-JXfdQoVkmSA6skJdSUhduhbCm09LDsgrUJkoZAlqPSFnShsr6vSv8qyOHWedp/s1600/Shinto-Buddhism.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2gdPysf-c81_JpcEutpjh1e-I2mwH1fV1nmTp7CrxqdbjUV7o8YPiUZ-SRhwCW0vxXO5NCTFd1znkSV-JXfdQoVkmSA6skJdSUhduhbCm09LDsgrUJkoZAlqPSFnShsr6vSv8qyOHWedp/s320/Shinto-Buddhism.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><u>Prayer of the Loving Kindness (Metta Bhavana) Practice</u></b></div>
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May I be free from fear. May I be free from suffering.</div>
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May I be happy. May I be filled with Loving Kindness.</div>
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May you be free from fear. May you be free from suffering.</div>
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May you be happy. May you be filled with Loving Kindness.</div>
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May all people everywhere be happy and filled with Loving Kindness.</div>
<br />
Dear readers...<br />
<br />
I apologize for the hiatus over the past few weeks. It always seems that when we find a groove, life has a way of setting us adrift sideways... but only momentarily. With grounding and strength, may we not be swayed from our purpose and find peace regardless of the storms that gather around us.<br />
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I am revamping this space to be more inclusive of those issues that affect not only Survivors of DV, but anyone who finds that life is sometimes a bit too much to handle -- while adding a bit of Buddhist wisdom along the way.<br />
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Regular posts will return in the coming days. But, for now, I offer the prayer of Loving Kindness above. May it help you, as it has helped me, to keep focus and realize we are much greater beings than we realize. And that we are One.<br />
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In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-78367226886954276302016-04-21T11:23:00.001-07:002016-04-21T11:29:57.923-07:00Love-less... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Oh, I really should have known</div>
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By the time you drove me home</div>
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By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual goodbyes,</div>
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By the chill in your embrace</div>
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The expression on your face that told me</div>
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Maybe you might have some advice to give</div>
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On how to be insensitive..."</div>
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~~ Jann Arden, "Insensitive"</div>
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*** TRIGGER WARNING ***</div>
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Family and friends, and anyone else on the outside looking in, oftentimes do NOT understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship. The most common reaction from outsiders is to say, "Why don't you just leave?" or, even worse, "Get out, get over it and move on." </div>
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Those who have never experienced narc abuse/domestic violence simply don't have the perspective to appreciate the gravity and danger of the situation. It is imperative one remembers that the narc is a charismatic chameleon. </div>
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What outsiders see holds NO resemblance to the beast that lives behind closed doors.</div>
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It is difficult to explain how it is simply NOT an option to leave and Get Over It. The victim believes he/she CAN change the situation -- but the narc keeps upping the ante. It is a never ending battle. And the intermittent acts of kindness and sweetness the narc offers are enough to keep the victim holding out hope for a happy ending. </div>
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Narcs say they want love. But, by definition, what they consider "love" doesn't even remotely resemble the real thing... Like what normal people seek. </div>
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"... I want love, just a different kind,</div>
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I want love, won't break me down</div>
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Won't brick me up, won't fence me in</div>
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I want a love that don't mean a thing</div>
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That's the love I want...</div>
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I want love on my own terms..."</div>
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~~ Elton John, "I Want Love"</div>
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The MAIN flag, though I didn't recognize it at the time, was all the women -- "friends" he called them. Now, I have ALWAYS gotten along better with men than women, so the vast majority of my friends are male -- so, I didn't think too much of it. </div>
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When the honeymoon was over, if I didn't answer when he called, text or spend time with him (b/c I had to work) he IMMEDIATELY took that as a Green Light to have a booty call. And it wasn't my booty he was calling. </div>
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I would have NEVER found out had he not slipped up.</div>
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While on lunch break one day, I received a text from a woman I didn't know. Attached was a picture of her in bed with him. The taunting message ranted about what a prick he was for not returning her phone calls and texts and to make me aware of what an asshole he was. </div>
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You know that Gut instinct you have? NEVER ignore it. I had an inkling for quite some time something wasn't right, but I thought I was just imagining it. After all, he "loved" me and would never hurt me. </div>
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From that day forward, Trust was shattered. And lying among the razor-sharp shards of what remained were the seeds from which the Beast would grow. </div>
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Narcs are notorious for their infidelity. But the way they make you feel in the beginning, it is easy to believe that you are DIFFERENT. He certainly had me believing this. The "indiscretion" he had was simply a moment of "weakness" and he wouldn't have done it had I paid him more attention. And at the time, I believed his shit. </div>
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So I worked harder. Loved harder. But it didn't matter. He developed a perma-smirk -- amused with my efforts KNOWING it was all in vain.</div>
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You eventually get to a point where you can't take it. So you leave. But before you know it, you are sucked back into the belly of the Beast. And those around you don't understand. They lose patience. They express their frustration. And finally they shake their heads and give up. So, you return to the only one you think understands you -- the narc. </div>
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Looking back I should have left after the first red flag flew. But I was brainwashed, blind. I wanted so desperately to believe things weren't as bad as they seemed.</div>
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It was only when he had me by the throat throttling me, and I saw the black void in his eyes, that I KNEW I was no longer dealing with the person I had fallen in love with. </div>
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It was an illusion. He didn't care. He didn't love me. I was a pawn. I was a toy. I was an excuse. I was Nothing. </div>
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Friends and family of a victim of domestic abuse need to educate themselves about the cycle of abuse to fully understand the dynamic of what's going on.</div>
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I was undergoing a significant change. I was no longer the fun-loving carefree woman I once was. The bad part was, I thought I was holding it together and no one knew. I'd smile and try to be casual about things as though they were fine, but they were anything but.</div>
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I was dying inside.</div>
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Victims of abuse exhibit Tell-Tale signs in their behavior and personality that need to be heeded. We don't come out and say, "I need help" b/c that is the furthest thing from our minds. We feel like we've got this. But in reality, we don't. We are simply trying to survive and change a situation that, little did we realize, was doomed from the beginning.</div>
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Signs of domestic abuse can include:</div>
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~~ <u><b>Isolation</b></u> ~~ The victim no longer has a social life. He/she falls off the radar b/c they are too wrapped up in their abuser. Remember, the abuser controls ALL communication coming in and going out of the relationship. Isolating their victim from any potential "threats" that may blow their cover is the first preemptive strike. </div>
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~~ <u><b>Personality changes </b></u>~~ Individuals who were once known to be outgoing become increasingly introverted and quiet. They may no longer return calls or texts. Excuses abound as to why they can no longer attend social gatherings or lunch/dinner dates with friends. Oftentimes, he/she becomes depressed, which only adds to the struggle to survive.</div>
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~~ <u><b>Physical changes</b></u> ~~ Victims of abuse often deteriorate in ways that become increasingly noticeable. He/she may lose weight (or gain weight) due to the stress of the situation. The person may start to look haggard and more stressed out. </div>
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~~ <b><u>Appearance</u></b> ~~ Similar to the lengths an addict will go to in order to conceal physical signs of their drug use, a victim of domestic abuse that has become physically violent will adopt a similar strategy. He/she may wear long sleeves or pants to cover their bruises -- even in summer. Women will oftentimes wear more make-up than usual in an effort to cover blackened eyes or bruises to visible areas that cannot be covered with clothing or a scarf. If a bruise or injury is spotted, we are at the ready with a "plausible" excuse --- to protect the abuser AND ourselves from the abuser lest he/she should think we have reached out for help or "told on them"... Which can only initiate further, worse abuse. What makes this aspect even worse, is the victim BELIEVES he/she deserved it.</div>
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~~ <b><u>Mannerisms</u></b> ~~ As was the case with me, I became very jumpy. I was no longer wont to giving hugs freely. I jumped at the least little noise. And if someone approached me or reached for me too quickly I would shrink back to avoid their touch -- something so casual as a hand on the shoulder or a tussling of my hair. Eye contact became nonexistent. </div>
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~~ <b><u>Interference</u></b> ~~ The abuser often takes it upon him-/herself to run interference when loved ones and friends try to contact the victim. The narc may answer the victim's phone or texts so he/she can keep a finger on the pulse of the situation. When in public with the abuser, the victim will often keep eyes cast down or refer all conversation to the abuser who is more than willing to interact in social settings as long as he/she remains in control.<br />
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It is essential that if you believe a friend or loved one is in an unhealthy situation that you approach him/her in a nonjudgmental way. I know it is difficult, actually impossible, to relate if you've never walked in the abused's shoes.<br />
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Leaving an abusive relationship is something that must be done on the victim's terms. Only he/she knows when it's time to get out. HOWEVER, there ARE situations where that time never comes. But I pray that those who are trapped in the storm eventually see their way to make it to the opposite shore.<br />
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With time, he/she will see the situation more objectively and, with it, the patterns. Education is KEY.<br />
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Once the fog lifted and I was able to see him for what he was and the situation as a whole, I knew I couldn't go back. NOTHING I would say or do could mend the damage or change the situation. I had to survive. I had to move forward. And as terrifying as it was, I had the support necessary to maintain NC and begin to heal.<br />
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To this day, I'm still healing. I live with PTSD triggers and anxiety day in and day out. The good days are beginning to outnumber the bad ones, but they still raise their ugly head now and again.<br />
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There is no excuse for a narc's behavior. Their wiring is wonky.<br />
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But your wiring, Dear, is NOT wonky. You are NOT broken. You are NOT damaged. You have just endured a horrific situation. Punches don't have to be thrown to give you scars. I always said I would have rather he just hit me repeatedly without saying a word -- not even an apology b/c I know it wouldn't be sincere. Bruises fade. But the venom with which the narc speaks breaks you down and leaves VERY deep scars that take a long time to heal.<br />
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Sadly, I don't think the scars ever really go away, they simply fade. But they DO make us stronger. And with that strength comes a tremendous beauty with which we build a new life steeped in Truth, Love and Light.<br />
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In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-57642110466277714002016-04-18T09:13:00.002-07:002016-04-18T09:13:24.192-07:00Lotus Flower...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWUfbJDyvnLozunlbx7bRi6uYtw-2cpm5LWGWrPPL0YTxic2559X45YJ-mMQJficXCs14imC52Y3rMm4zkcpyDNyab9UASa1OXVLIJ_QqUKwEckc49ijMgBj1uXgFptNzJ7zM7YNJ6GFf/s1600/lotus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWUfbJDyvnLozunlbx7bRi6uYtw-2cpm5LWGWrPPL0YTxic2559X45YJ-mMQJficXCs14imC52Y3rMm4zkcpyDNyab9UASa1OXVLIJ_QqUKwEckc49ijMgBj1uXgFptNzJ7zM7YNJ6GFf/s320/lotus.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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"You held me down, but I got up,</div>
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Already brushing off the dust</div>
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You hear my voice, you hear that sound,</div>
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Like thunder, gonna shake the ground.</div>
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You held me down, but I got up,</div>
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Get ready 'cause I've had enough,</div>
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I see it all, I see it now..."</div>
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~~ Katy Perry, "Roar"</div>
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As Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, "No mud, no lotus."</div>
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Without suffering, there is no growth. Without hurt and struggle, there cannot be beauty. </div>
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When recovering from an abusive relationship, you mourn twice -- for the loss of who you thought was your Soul Mate and the relationship itself.</div>
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But through the struggle of grief, we become stronger. It hurts like Hell in the beginning, but believe me, as the hurt begins to wane the ability to breathe freely returns -- and with it an empowerment and strength that cannot be rivaled. </div>
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Initially you struggle with questions that, to the outsider, sound anything but sane given the situation They see.</div>
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"Why did I put up with his/her bullshit for so long?"</div>
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"Why do I still miss him/her?"<br />"Why can't I forget it all?"</div>
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"Why do I hurt so bad and will it go away?"</div>
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And on and on it goes for a while.</div>
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But eventually, as the clouds clear you see the sun shine down and with it Truth, Love and Light. It's a whole new World. And it is Amazing.</div>
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As you meander through the process of healing, you WILL bounce back and forth. You WILL struggle... It's natural. </div>
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Here are a few methods you can use to help ease you through the hurt and pain.</div>
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~~ <u><b>Feel Your Pain... Fully</b></u> ~~ It is essential you allow yourself to feel the range of emotions FULLY. Yes, the person you fell for was a Fraud. Yes, the relationship WAS abusive. But you are here now. Get angry. Be frustrated. Hurt. See each of these emotions for what they are and allow them to come and go without attaching to them. Remember, EVERYTHING is impermanent -- this includes the hurt and agony you're experiencing. DON'T get Stuck. If you are feeling too overwhelmed, seek help from a trusted friend, family member or professional counselor. I know that counseling and a tremendous support system saved my life. There is no shame in reaching out for help. You are not a superhero.</div>
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~~ <b><u>NO Contact</u></b> ~~ Establish NO CONTACT and MAINTAIN it. It is impossible to heal from the abuse when you leave the door open even a crack. Leave it all behind. There is no healthy future when you leave one foot in the past. Narcs DO NOT change. Holding out hope for a redemption of any kind will only prove detrimental to YOU in the long run.</div>
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~~ <b><u>Educate Yourself</u></b> ~~ Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and the cycle of abuse. Now this doesn't mean you submerge yourself in a sea of NPD obsession. But it is essential to familiarize yourself with the terminology and pathology of behaviors so you can avoid falling for the same illusion again. The better you understand the signs, the easier it is to avoid in the future.</div>
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~~ <b><u>Ground Yourself </u></b>~~ Narcissistic abuse IS Trauma, period. The sooner you are able to come to terms with the reality of your situation the better. The key is to NOT get caught up in the same cycle of doubt, longing, and self-blame. You MUST make the decision to move Forward WITHOUT looking back and dipping your toes in the "What Ifs." Learning self-soothing strategies, such as positive self-talk, deep breathing, and engaging in self-care are essential to healing. It is time to take care of YOU. (I will cover some self-care techniques in an upcoming post.) </div>
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~~ <b><u>Improve Your Self-Esteem</u></b> ~~ Narcs leave their victims shattered. There is no recognizable sense of self when the dust settles. It is imperative you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror and see the beautiful human being you truly are -- and that includes recognizing the scars, both seen and unseen. Our scars are our badges of honor. We are Survivors. Take this experience and those scars as proof you are stronger than you have ever given yourself credit to be... And build on that. </div>
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~~ <b><u>New Routine</u></b> ~~ Now is the time to establish the self and life you have always dreamed of being/having. Embrace the possibilities today and the future hold for you. There is NO ONE who can take those from you unless you allow it. And if you are reading this, then you are at the crossroads where you know you've a decision to make. Take charge of your life. Explore all the opportunities that lay before you. Maybe that means something so simple as reinventing yourself or embarking on a new career path. Take up hobbies and interests you were never able to before. Take advantage of the hope, love and life that is before you. </div>
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You ARE like the lotus flower. All that ickiness and bullshit you put up with for so long are what have helped you to grow and become strong. Live life. Live love. Embrace Truth. And know that you are beautiful. </div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3 </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-87272942996643124072016-04-16T17:26:00.001-07:002016-04-16T17:27:39.830-07:00A Buddhist Prayer for Healing...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7rumnv4whoCHNPO5lSVjFRlQvkjndtCkkR4cn1aS3NDZZqMqEp7SbWkPIFSxoRyyYXf8HCfjkL-bWTi7yXE9AVNbMplmbw-6LGsvfq9SPsTJ0QTaCk9Irm1uXWq1Zi0oaQuJTP69p_03J/s1600/buddha.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7rumnv4whoCHNPO5lSVjFRlQvkjndtCkkR4cn1aS3NDZZqMqEp7SbWkPIFSxoRyyYXf8HCfjkL-bWTi7yXE9AVNbMplmbw-6LGsvfq9SPsTJ0QTaCk9Irm1uXWq1Zi0oaQuJTP69p_03J/s320/buddha.png" width="238" /></a></div>
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Just as the soft rains fill the streams,</div>
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Pour into the rivers, and join together in the oceans,</div>
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So may the power of every moment of your goodness</div>
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Flow forth to awaken and heal all beings --</div>
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Those here now, those gone before, those yet to come.</div>
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<br /></div>
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By the power of every moment of your goodness</div>
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May your heart's wishes be soon fulfilled</div>
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As completely shining as the bright full moon,</div>
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As magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.</div>
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<br /></div>
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By the power of every moment of your goodness,</div>
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May all dangers be averted and all disease be gone.</div>
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May no obstacle come across your way.</div>
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May you enjoy fulfillment and long life.</div>
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<br /></div>
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For all in whose heart swells respect,</div>
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Who follow the wisdom and compassion, of the Way,</div>
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May your life prosper in the four blessings</div>
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Of old age, beauty, happiness and strength.</div>
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<br /></div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Namaste <3</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-68978403126434669332016-04-14T06:23:00.000-07:002016-04-18T10:05:47.084-07:00Victim NO MORE...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/-KPzGQ3WeqY/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-KPzGQ3WeqY?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<br />
Please check out this video ("Discard Your Victim Status NOW") by Beverly Banov Brown, M.S... Brown incorporates nearly all the points I've discussed in this space thus far -- right down to the rose-tinted glasses (literally)... If you (or someone you know) are recovering from narc abuse, this is INVALUABLE information...<br />
<br />
In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-69017204157946444212016-04-13T07:58:00.000-07:002016-04-13T07:58:00.359-07:00NO Contact 101... <div style="text-align: center;">
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"I don't feel you anymore,</div>
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You darken my door,</div>
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Whatever you're looking for,</div>
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Hey, don't come around here no more..."</div>
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~~ Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, </div>
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"Don't Come Around Here No More"</div>
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<br /></div>
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Breaking the narc's hold is VERY difficult.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Up to this point, you have lived your life through and for the narcissist. So, going No Contact can prove one of the greatest tests thus far.<br />
<br />
Going NC is YOUR way of saying, "I am DONE." And mean it. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But, why is it so difficult to walk away from the narc? Let's take a look at a few of the intricately weaved elements and how they influence our ability to call it Quits.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Habitual Focus</u> ~~</b> The narc has trained you to put him/her FIRST... Always. Anything that was of value to you, such as your time, boundaries, interests, relationships, career, etc..., has been systematically chipped away to a cold void. Things that once made you happy no longer appeal to you b/c your SOLE focus has become pleasing the narc. In the early stages of NC, it is completely normal to feel helpless, lonely, and lost. It takes a while to re-establish your footing, but you WILL get there.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Worthless</u> ~~ </b>Once you've been discarded by the narc, your sense of self is non-existent. Regardless of how confident you were or how much you did or didn't love yourself going in to the relationship, you are left shattered and, if you are lucky, a shell of who you once were. It is ESSENTIAL during this time that you NOT engage in negative self-talk. Although you may feel it, you are NOT worthless. You are HUMAN. And you have endured a helluva nightmare.<br />
<u><br /></u>
<b><u>Brainwashing</u> ~~</b> The narc is a MASTER manipulator. The methodical emotional and psychological breakdown of a victim is one of the narc's most insidious acts of abuse. It took me nearly two years before I could even admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that the relationship was Abusive. I think that deep down I KNEW it to be true, but I couldn't call it by name b/c of the fear and guilt I felt for my abuser. Add to that the overwhelming feeling of doubt he'd instilled in me. You MUST be patient with yourself once you break free to the other shore. It takes a LONG time to reclaim your OWN MIND. So please, please give yourself time to find the Truth you so desperately need to heal.<br />
<u><br /></u>
<b><u>No Boundaries</u> ~~ </b>Essentially, the narc took ALL of you and trampled it beyond recognition. EVERYTHING you stood for, believed, thought, etc... has been defiled by the narc. In addition, all the shame and blame for the narc's toxic behavior has also been thrust upon YOUR shoulders -- yeah, he/she lied, cheated, hit you, etc... but YOU are the one who is painted as the abuser. Once you are able to see the relationship for the illusion it truly was, it becomes easier to sort through all the Bullshit to find what you KNOW is representative of YOU. <br />
<u><br /></u>
<b><u>Validation</u> ~~ </b>Once I left my abuser, the ONLY thing I wanted was for someone to tell me I WAS NOT CRAZY. I needed reassurance all the time that I was NOT the person the narc wanted others to believe me to be. I wanted ANSWERS. What gave him the right to be such a Conniving Evil Prick? Why ME? How could he simply waltz away like NOTHING happened? What kind of soulless, depraved Asshole could behave like that and think it is OK? Once I began talking to others who had been where I was and started seeing a therapist all the pieces began falling into place. I know I will NEVER get all the answers I seek b/c there aren't any... and I will, likewise, NEVER get an apology from him.<br />
<br />
But you know what? It doesn't matter anymore. I don't WANT an apology. Mainly, b/c I KNOW any semblance of an apology would 1) cause him immense pain to even utter and, 2) it would NOT be genuine.<br />
<br />
I will live the rest of my days a VERY happy and contented woman if I NEVER have to lay eyes on him again. Now that does not mean that I cannot practice compassion. I pray for him... Often... From a GREAT DISTANCE, a SAFE DISTANCE b/c if there is ANYONE who is in need of guidance,compassion, forgiveness and kindness it's him and those like him.<br />
<br />
As I've said time and again, YES I still get angry. But I don't let that anger dominate me or my life. I let it come. I let it go. And I've noticed over time, its visits are less frequent and don't last nearly as long as they once did.<br />
<br />
And that is just it, the narc WANTS you to be angry, resentful, hurt, broken, lost... Why give him/her what HE/SHE wants when 1) it is detrimental to YOUR well-being and, 2) life is now all about YOU... yes, YOU.<br />
<br />
It is at this point, you MUST remember, YOU are in control now.<br />
<br />
Once the narc figures out that you are NC with him/her I promise you he/she will use EVERY POSSIBLE MEANS to slither back into the tiniest crack to throw you off track and regain his/her hold over you. He/she will likely go from one extreme to the other --- from "admitting" fault and promising you the World to a full-on offensive that smears you to the point its like he/she is trying to eradicate your existence. It is often during this phase the abuse and violence escalate.<br />
<br />
YOU CANNOT BUDGE.<br />
<br />
I KNOW it is difficult. But you MUST be consistent and firm in your resolve. Even when the narc's FMs come a knockin' or calling, you CANNOT react. Period.<br />
<br />
I've said it before and I will say it again, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.<br />
<br />
When you implement NC, YOU are setting necessary boundaries for YOUR healing. The narc and his/her happiness are no longer of any concern to you. YOU make the rules. YOU are finally back in control.<br />
<br />
It is ESSENTIAL that you maintain NC -- otherwise, you risk MORE trauma, re-attachment and all the foulness that goes with it.<br />
<br />
Don't worry, the narc's grandiose sense of entitlement and power will provide plenty of rope for him/her to hang him-/herself (figuratively speaking of course). Once they get mouthy, they get sloppy and start to stumble. Let him/her stumble AND FALL.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
No worries, the fall won't cause the narc too much harm --- it just hastens the inevitable. You know, the part where those who have supported and bought in to the narc's delusions and lies but realize they have been duped. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In Peace and Love,</div>
<div>
Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-22383942408036468952016-04-06T11:13:00.001-07:002016-04-06T11:13:38.340-07:00Triangle... <div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh77tWovaYd90oTP7gbW5mIQJzKRBo3r13NjqhGPq7j4BtwdOP9kfW27xk-F0X8aw1KtH0hRjl__j1e-X2JOnh3MbZ82rEy6hTnS1zk91lJwwveqh9dtQSIks3DU74poeQY3yFQQZzQqNz/s1600/valley+of+the+dolls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh77tWovaYd90oTP7gbW5mIQJzKRBo3r13NjqhGPq7j4BtwdOP9kfW27xk-F0X8aw1KtH0hRjl__j1e-X2JOnh3MbZ82rEy6hTnS1zk91lJwwveqh9dtQSIks3DU74poeQY3yFQQZzQqNz/s320/valley+of+the+dolls.jpg" width="309" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over,</div>
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But had me believing it was always something that I'd done.</div>
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But I don't wanna live that way,</div>
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Reading into every word you say,</div>
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You said that you could let it go,</div>
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And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know.."</div>
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~~ Gotye, "Somebody That I Used to Know" </div>
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<br /></div>
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Triangulation is one of the first terms you learn in Narcology 101.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If there isn't drama, the narc is NOT happy. And one sure-fire way to spark drama is by triangulation.</div>
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It is also one of the WORST forms of domestic abuse in the narc's toolbox. </div>
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Domination, control, manipulation -- all these elements are the foundation of the narc-mind. And it is used to help nurture and maintain the ginormous sense of entitlement the narc carries with him/her EVERYWHERE. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Simply put, triangulation is commonly defined as:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Covert or indirect communication (by the narc) to a third party to enlist his/her help to further the narc's agenda. Basically, the narc pits people against one another; like how I said the role I played in the "relationship" was ENTIRELY dependent on who my abuser was talking to.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Regardless of the approach used, the message passed from the narc and/or his FMs to others is usually either totally fabricated or may contain a SINGLE GRAIN of truth at best. But you can be certain, whatever messages are being passed are being exchanged behind your back FOR A REASON.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I used to call my abuser's Flying Monkeys his Harem. Little did I know at the time, but I wasn't too far off. </div>
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It would piss him off and I WOULD pay for it, but I didn't care. I was hurt. I was depressed. I was lost.</div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
There are essentially FOUR approaches to Triangulation. We will start with my abuser's ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><u>Two-for-One</u> ~~ </b>If you didn't have any insecurities going in to the relationship you sure as hell will when you leave. My abuser THRIVED on attention from the opposite sex -- to the point of (pardon the expression) Nailing Ass and Taking Names... And numbers.</div>
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<br /></div>
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He would oftentimes brag about a woman who had been to his work flirting with him, his ex-wife calling begging him to come back, or an ex-girlfriend (who wasn't actually an "ex" just yet) who just wouldn't stop calling, texting and coming by to see him. </div>
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He acted SO helpless. Like he didn't know how to handle the situation (playing the Victim card). He was simply at their mercy, b/c he didn't want to be mean and well, "I'm sure you understand..." he would say. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Essentially what this tactic does is make you feel like you have to love harder and work harder to keep your man/woman interested so he/she doesn't have a "reason" to stray. Well, I'm sorry but, as a general rule, narcs will stray REGARDLESS. And I GUARANTEE he/she will lay the blame at YOUR feet. Remember, NOTHING is the narc's fault. EVER.</div>
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<b><u><br /></u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<u style="font-weight: bold;">Divide and Conquer</u> <b>~~ </b>The narc derives MUCH joy from pitting two parties against one another. Either they get some sort of direct benefit from the conflict or it is simply b/c he/she is bored and needs some entertainment. Either way, the narc preserves his/her 'spotless' image he/she portrays to the world. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Oftentimes, the narc will seek help from family or close friends who are Sympathetic to him/her. Then, the narc will paint YOU as the abuser and rally support from his/her cheerleaders -- essentially, smearing you while pitting his/her 'supporters' against you. </div>
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This is why I have previously stated, dividing and conquering was my abuser's way of ensuring that he and ONLY HE controlled ALL information coming in and going out of the relationship. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><u>Recruitment</u> ~~ </b>Narcs are unable to single-handedly maintain control without the help of FMs -- ESPECIALLY when you go NC. Those who rally for the narc's cause have only heard his/her side of the story -- and their support can quickly deteriorate to bullying -- they are OBLIVIOUS to the narc's Agenda. This tactic is right up there with Two-for-One as far as the emotional detriment it causes the victim.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Devalue and Discard</u> ~~ </b>The FINAL phase of the narc's Triangulation. It was at this point my abuser painted ME as the Stalker. Instead of being a rational, emotional human being who DISCUSSES things with his/her partner when a relationship is over, the narc takes the Coward's Way Out. Yes, they are Cowards from the word Go.<br />
<br />
For the narc, it is much simpler to confide in others who support their cause. They feel Justified. The narc will NOT deny he/she has confided in others. It's yet another act of emotional abuse.<br />
<br />
About 9 times out of 10, the person the narc has been "confiding" in is his/her New Supply.<br />
<br />
The SECOND you show any kind of jealousy, anger, or hurt over the matter the narc will use it to his/her advantage. This is yet ANOTHER reason I can't stress Silence enough.<br />
<br />
It hurts like hell.<br />
<br />
You are left wondering, what is wrong with you? What did you do wrong?<br />
<br />
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.<br />
<br />
If the narc has replaced you and is bragging about how happy he/she is with his/her new partner do your happy dance as you make your way to the other shore... FAR, FAR AWAY. Because as soon as the New Supply even hints that he/she suspects something isn't right or leaves early on the narc will be right back to Lovebombing and Hoovering YOU.<br />
<br />
Sadly, narcs prey on empaths. <br />
<br />
What you are feeling at this stage is real and agonizing. It is difficult to see how much better off you truly are. It is only after you have been AWAY from the narc for a period of time that you finally realize how much easier it is to breathe.<br />
<br />
There are no hoops to jump through. You no longer have to walk on eggshells. And, most importantly, you are FINALLY able to concentrate on YOU.<br />
<br />
Don't give a Second Thought to the Smear Campaign or the narc's Cowardice Acts. Those who bought stock will discover they were scammed soon enough. I promise.<br />
<br />
Rediscovering yourself while, at the same time, allowing yourself permission to fully experience every emotion you feel is the most liberating thing in the world. Like I said, it hurts like HELL for a while, but the pain soon fades to a subtle pang you may feel once in a great while, such as when you allow yourself to reflect on your experience.</div>
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Once you regain your footing, it is very difficult to shake the paranoia the narc instilled in you. To this day I am VERY cautious about who I allow in my inner circle. Then add to it the residual trauma. It SUCKS.<br />
<br />
But I am here to tell you there IS Light, Truth and LOVE -- REAL LOVE -- on the other side of this ShitStorm you are experiencing.<br />
<br />
May the Universe help you claim the guidance and strength necessary to find your way to the opposite shore... It is from there you will take your first steps on the Path that was intended for you all along. And it will be an Amazing Adventure filled with Light, Truth, and Love.<br />
<br />
In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-67900246872218181242016-04-05T09:26:00.001-07:002016-04-05T14:03:31.188-07:00Silence... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
"So it's gonna be forever, </div>
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Or it's gonna go down in flames,</div>
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You can tell me when it's over,</div>
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If the high was worth the pain..."</div>
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~~ Taylor Swift, "Blank Space"</div>
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There's nothing like losing yourself in the beautiful silence and solitude once the storm has passed.</div>
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Until you reach that point you may very well feel like you are losing your mind. And to a degree you may be.<br />
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I know I did.</div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
A mere few months into the relationship, I began to feel more and more confused about not only what was going on b/t he and I, but day-to-day happenings. He would say or do something and then turn right around and deny he ever said or did it.<br />
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I knew damn well he had, I witnessed it -- or so I thought. </div>
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One of the greatest tools at the narc's disposal is making you doubt yourself. </div>
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There are NO BOUNDARIES with a narc. NOTHING is sacred. And EVERYTHING is up for grabs. <br />
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AGAIN I say...<br />
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There are NO BOUNDARIES with a narc. NOTHING is sacred. And EVERYTHING is up for grabs. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
For instance, as I've mentioned before, you are NOT responsible for another person's actions -- ESPECIALLY the narc. HOWEVER, he/she does not see it that way. And over time, they DO make you feel like it is your day to watch them -- today and always. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
With my abuser it could be something so simple as, "Why didn't you wake me up this morning?" -- wouldn't matter if I had tried, if he didn't get up and was late to work that was my fault -- "Why did you let me do that?" </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The narc is a PRO at Crazy-Making.<br />
<br />
And YOU, my Dear, are his/her prime target for outlandish and unreasonable behavior. Yes, it IS intentional. Yes, it IS meant to make you feel like you are losing your mind. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><u>Gaslighting</u></b> and <b><u>Confusion</u> </b>were my abuser's FAVORITE tactics for instigating and instilling confusion in me. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Sure, I fought back at first (figuratively speaking). I would question, I would try to rationalize. And then I realized there is NO rationalizing narcissistic abuse. You are dealing with an irrational person. There is NO making sense of it.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But he would use his gaslighting techniques to make me feel like I WAS being too sensitive, too "thin-skinned," too weak, too selfish, too whatever fit the bill for the day and his mood. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Once you fold under the pressure of the confusion and irrational arguments, the narc has won. You then shoulder the responsibility for things that are NOT your fault, but you feel as though they are, which only serves to reinforce the narc's control over you. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<u><b>Self-Doubt</b> </u>is one of your biggest clues that something isn't right and no it is NOT you. I'm sure it takes immense self control for a narc to witness his/her victim's decline into confusion and doubt without gleefully jumping for joy and clapping his/her hands. It is what they live for. Once the narc sees that you are starting to crack, he/she KNOWS he/she has a way to slither in and take up residence.<br />
<br />
It was not uncommon for me to seek reassurance and validation about Everything from decisions to something I would say or do when around friends and/or family. It was like I needed propped up. I had gone from a totally confident woman to a fragile shell that could shatter with the slightest harsh wind.<br />
<br />
Relationships with NO BOUNDARIES are breeding grounds for self-doubt and confusion. You don't intend to, but you LOSE yourself. All the lovebombing to win you over followed by rushing, merciless waves of devaluation cause you to teeter and fall. By the time you hit bottom, you aren't even sure who you are anymore.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Dissociation</u> </b>became my way of dealing with the constant onslaught of abuse. There were many times where it felt like I was watching the abuse happen but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would simply Shut Down.<br />
<br />
To this day, there are still things I cannot remember. My therapist said it is common for abuse Survivors to experience trauma-induced amnesia. She explained it is the mind/body's way of shutting down in self-defense when the trauma is too overwhelming for the individual to handle.<br />
<br />
It was at this point that I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. If you have never been there, all I can say is it is the MOST terrifying feeling -- and it is compounded by the immense loneliness you already feel in your "relationship."<br />
<br />
Then, other symptoms began to emerge for which I was NOT prepared.<br />
<br />
<b><u>C-PTSD/PTSD and Anxiety</u> </b>became my two main issues and remain so today.<br />
<br />
It DOES NOT matter -- if you experience a trigger, your mind AND body IMMEDIATELY go into panic mode. Period. You IMMEDIATELY feel the threat is Real and you are experiencing the trauma all over again IN THE PRESENT MOMENT -- known as Re-Living the trauma. And to the Nay-Sayers, NO you CANNOT control it.<br />
<br />
All you can do is learn to know your triggers and try to cope and work through them as best you can. It takes time. A LONG time. And even when you DO learn to work through them, the initial Threat is STILL real... You are still re-living, but you are able to better recover and come back to the present moment.<br />
<br />
In case you are not familiar with PTSD, here are a few of the signs/symptoms:<br />
* Flashbacks<br />
* Nightmares and night terrors<br />
* Avoidance (of people, situations AND places)<br />
* Isolation<br />
* Hypersensitve Fight or Flight response<br />
* Insomnia<br />
* Memory loss<br />
<br />
After I was subjected to a battery of tests and assessments, my therapist explained that what I was experiencing was complex PTSD and anxiety disorder.<br />
<br />
WOW... This Shit actually had a NAME?? Holy Jesus!! Thank God!!<br />
<br />
And then I realized, I would forever be intertwined with a stigma -- you know, the poor abused girl who nearly had a nervous breakdown and who is now prone to fits and crying jags... Poor thing.<br />
<br />
She's Special.<br />
<br />
BULLLLLL-SHIT. I will NOT be That Girl.<br />
<br />
I got irritated and then bypassed angry and went straight to PISSED when it dawned on me the damage my abuser had done. What gave him the right? Hell, what was wrong with ME to let it happen?<br />
<br />
But after extensive therapy, I came to understand I DIDN'T "let" anything happen.<br />
<br />
I was the victim of domestic violence at the hands of a narcissistic personality. Jackpot.<br />
<br />
Talk about the Perfect Storm.<br />
<br />
The days, weeks and months went by and I slowly started to make progress to reclaim ME. Along the way, I began my journey on the Buddhist Path and realized I could not hold on to my anger.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~~ Mahatma Gandhi </div>
<br />
He wasn't angry. Yeah, he left a helluva lot of destruction in his wake, but that was the norm. So why should I waste my time being angry, holding a grudge, wishing him ill? It was only harming me.<br />
<br />
Now, I STILL have days where I get angry. But I observe it. I let it be and let it go. Anytime it shows up, I don't invite it in for tea, but we sit on the porch and I let it vent. I listen. I wish it well. And see it on its way.<br />
<br />
Until next time... I sit in silence. I relish the quiet. I am at peace... If only for a moment.<br />
<br />
In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-11853419024067990552016-03-30T06:25:00.003-07:002016-03-30T06:46:15.233-07:00Run Baby Run... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinkhSQYbl2ufNFc5OpAAM2Fv-OJP75rnbWD7_xKfiNm3Y60gqElzh9ZwJn2ELplRCRJy0ImWjkai_g2p6kd2gaJqHgfJBM7GhRMAeAAYAYCgZd2G3wJJHbqVb-a5pbiG0ua3d_VnpjQvI9/s1600/stalking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinkhSQYbl2ufNFc5OpAAM2Fv-OJP75rnbWD7_xKfiNm3Y60gqElzh9ZwJn2ELplRCRJy0ImWjkai_g2p6kd2gaJqHgfJBM7GhRMAeAAYAYCgZd2G3wJJHbqVb-a5pbiG0ua3d_VnpjQvI9/s320/stalking.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"... You better keep your head little girl,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Or you won't know where I am...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
...You better run for your life if you can, little girl..."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~~ The Beatles, "Run for Your Life"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Narcs DO NOT let go easily if they aren't the ones cutting the cord.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
If you are going or have attempted to go NO CONTACT, you learn this lesson quickly. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It is literally Baby Steps. Breaking the mental and emotional hold your abuser has over you can be one of the biggest battles you may ever fight. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
In the beginning, I was lucky if I made it a matter of hours w/NC. He made it VERY difficult to maintain, but I eventually did it despite his howls of protest and weepy messages vowing he'd changed. Then came the threats and stalking. Yes, stalking. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
From "chance" meetings, NUMEROUS phone calls, voicemails, text messages AND emails to his literally standing outside my window at night, he made it clear he wasn't going to go willingly or quietly. It got fucking CREEPY the way he could seemingly materialize out of nowhere... Or would call and let me know he'd been watching me.<br />
<br />
Yeah, ballsy. <br />
<br />
Keep in mind, he'd already "acquired" new supply who he was grooming but, until that supply was securely in his possession, he kept one foot in my world. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
What I experienced often goes hand-in-hand with leaving an abusive relationship. I wasn't the first. And I certainly won't be the last. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
According to Colorado State University's <a href="http://www.wgac.colostate.edu/stalking-statistics" target="_blank">Women and Gender Advocacy Center</a>, a 2011 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey revealed: </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>~~ </b>Repeatedly receiving unwanted telephone calls, voicemails, or text messages was the most commonly experienced stalking tactic... 78.8 percent for women/75.9 percent for men.</div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>~~</b> There is a strong correlation b/t stalking and other forms of intimate partner violence... 81 percent of women were physically assaulted; 31 percent of women were also sexually assaulted.</div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>~~</b> More than 60 percent of women were stalked by a current or former intimate partner.</div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>~~</b> 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men in the U.S. have experienced stalking victimization at some point during their lifetime.</div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It is sad to say, but you learn to adapt. You adopt a New Normal. A 'normal' of hypervigilance ushered in by the abandonment of any routines you previously embraced. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
When I was finally able to get back out in the World without being too paralyzed by panic attacks, I kept myself surrounded at all times. During the first several months, I don't think I went anywhere that I wasn't in the company of either a friend or a group of friends and acquaintances. There IS safety in numbers.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
As I mentioned in my previous post, dealing with a narc is one thing. Dealing with a narc who is also an addict is a whole 'nother situation. The person who was fairly predictable previously presents new challenges when the substances they're using make them feel invincible. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING, is possible.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
He would SWEAR I was delusional. I was making a big deal of nothing. He simply wanted to talk.<br />
<br />
He'd always ask why I was lying about him to others. He wasn't Abusive. I was just clumsy and confused. Swore he'd never put his hands on a woman. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
In the interim, he'd told Everyone else I was the one stalking HIM. It's a shame they didn't know about the 50+ phone calls and hundreds of text messages he would send in a matter of a few short HOURS.<br />
<br />
Everything from, "I'm so sorry.... I know I fucked up. Please, I just want to talk," to "Answer the phone, Bitch..."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There was absolutely NOTHING he could have said that he hadn't said before. It was all bullshit and I had no issue with calling it such. I was exhausted. I was drained. I was done.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But, despite my silence, I felt like I was dying inside. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Part of me still desperately clung to the hope that maybe... just maybe... This Time he was sincere. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Nope. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I began experiencing symptoms of what I would later learn is PTSD and anxiety disorder.<br />
<br />
Hypervigilance gave way to heightened startle response, night terrors, nightmares, and a reel of his voice that repeatedly played in the back of my mind reminding me of all my flaws, faults, and the enormous guilt he had projected upon me.<br />
<br />
To this day, when I'm in public I sit facing the door and MUST know where all the exits are -- just in case. Loud, unexpected noises still rock me to my core. I still experience nightmares and flashbacks, but they aren't as frequent.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I've a whole slew of PTSD triggers that are ever-present, but I've learned to cope and keep myself as grounded as I can when they happen.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It is difficult to explain these issues to others. I know what I experience is misunderstood and hard for others to fathom.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"I don't understand. You're a take-no-shit type of lady," they say. "You are so strong."<br />
<br />
Yeah, Today. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Domestic abuse CHANGES YOU. You don't have to be physically abused to find yourself drowning. The emotional scars I carried (and still do to this day) from before he even laid hands on me were enough to make me want to crawl in a hole and die. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
You finally work up the courage to leave. You build this tremendous support system around you to help guide and protect you during what is statistically the most dangerous time for a victim, and yet you still feel alone. You feel like you have somehow betrayed your abuser by simply wanting to Survive. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Then, stalking gets thrown in the mix.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Understand, you CANNOT control what others do. All you can control is how YOU react.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Remember, the narc and his/her FMs want to get a response from you. DON'T give it to them. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There aren't enough words I could use to describe how important going and staying NC is. Yeah, the abuser is likely to come unhinged. Yeah, the abuser is likely to lash out in ways you didn't think were possible. But you know what? You are in a better place.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Unlike the world, you have seen the Beast unleashed. You KNOW what you are dealing with, for the most part. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The more Unresponsive you stay, the better off you are. Keeping silent despite whatever the abuser throws at you demonstrates strength while, at the same time, allows others to see what you have known for far too long. If you give them enough room, they will do a Fine Job showing the unsuspecting world who they really are... Seriously. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
If you are being harassed and/or stalked it is essential that you DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.<br />
<br />
Keep track of ALL incidents. Know the time, place, who was present, what took place and make a police report. Over time, those reports add up. And with maintaining NC on your part, the narc has no ammunition to fuel his/her "victimization." <br />
<br />
I am no longer the scared little girl I once was.<br />
<br />
I lifted the duvet and saw there was no boogeyman under my bed.<br />
<br />
I'd met him. I'd loved him. And he had hurt me beyond words. So, yeah, this little girl ran. And ran some more 'til she realized he was not a boogeyman...<br />
<br />
He was simply a man... With a BAD problem.<br />
<br />
In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-31808587886991516742016-03-28T16:00:00.001-07:002016-03-28T16:00:10.455-07:00The Bitch is Back... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDvKxittAiltNHd0XqR1jhgY6uHGxSC8K-6x8AtIS9rFIVZjYwdQDQB3ufHLQjfFvwaFDPImWGdPj4Mnd1A4m4jf11pYr5gIGbGelEt5hMuEsYQV_HHooIS12_hy-lZqiU3T8NsSld07Tk/s1600/drugs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDvKxittAiltNHd0XqR1jhgY6uHGxSC8K-6x8AtIS9rFIVZjYwdQDQB3ufHLQjfFvwaFDPImWGdPj4Mnd1A4m4jf11pYr5gIGbGelEt5hMuEsYQV_HHooIS12_hy-lZqiU3T8NsSld07Tk/s320/drugs.jpg" width="287" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Ever wonder 'bout what he's doing, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
How it's all turned to lies,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes I think that it's better,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
To never ask why..."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~~ Pink, "Try"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>*** TRIGGER WARNING ***</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Addiction is a Bitch. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Dealing with an abusive partner is one thing. Dealing with an abusive partner who is an addict is a whole 'nother Monster. The boogeyman's got NOTHING on a narc addict. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
There was a CLEAR line of demarcation in my relationship. Before the drugs. After the drugs.<br />
<br />
Prior to the drugs, yeah, he was abusive. BUT the difference was, his patterns of behavior were Predictable. After the drugs, well... it was a whirlwind of mood swings and abuse on a whole new level.<br />
<br />
Anytime you throw drugs in the mix of an already volatile situation things become MUCH MORE complex and dangerous.<br />
<br />
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), substance abuse is a "suggested cause" of intimate partner violence. There is no substantiated correlation b/t domestic violence and substance abuse, but a "significant" number of abusers "misuse alcohol and drugs."<br />
<br />
In an <a href="http://www.asam.org/magazine/read/article/2014/10/06/intimate-partner-violence-and-co-occurring-substance-abuse-addiction" target="_blank">American Society of Addiction Medicine</a> report published in October 2014:<br />
<br />
** Substance abuse has been "found to co-occur in 40 to 60 percent of intimate partner violence [IPV] incidents across various studies."<br />
** More than 20 percent of male perpetrators of IPV "report using alcohol and/or illicit drugs prior to the most recent and severe acts of violence."<br />
** Evidence suggests that "substance abuse/use plays a facilitative role in IPV by precipitating or exacerbating violence."<br />
<br />
In my situation, what added insult to injury was his CONSTANT denial that anything was amiss. It was all ME. I was too sensitive. I wasn't trusting enough. HOW DARE I question the mysterious appearance of what were clearly track marks splattered over his arms and legs. HOW DARE I question the unmarked pill bottles strewn around. The roaches in the ashtray. The loaded handgun that suddenly took up residence on the bottom shelf of the coffee table.<br />
<br />
He would fly off the deep end if I questioned ANYTHING. He made it clear he believed it was none of my business.<br />
<br />
Sure, that would have been easy enough if I didn't have to deal with the repercussions of his highs and inevitable crashes. But the fact of the matter is, it WAS my business b/c I was on the receiving end. But he used my concern and questions as further fuel for his tirades and attacks.<br />
<br />
Admittedly, I lived under a rock most of my adolescent and young adult years -- hell, even into my 20s. I'd never been truly exposed to drugs, or that subculture, but I'd read enough and seen enough while away at college I KNEW something wasn't right.<br />
<br />
And then there was the hideous game of cat and mouse I'd have to play when even "attempting" to maintain a semblance of any kind of relationship due to the New Friends who came out of the wood work like goddamned cockroaches. <br />
<br />
Sadly, what I endured is much more common than I realized.<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
According to a <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201201/substance-abuse-and-borderlines-narcissists" target="_blank">Psychology Today</a>, more than half of individuals with NPD have a substance abuse disorder. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Narcs and substance abuse is a dangerous, yet perfect, example of how one's inflated self-esteem and sense of power can get his/her ass in a sling QUICK. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Unlike other addicts, the narc believes he/she has it all under control -- yeah, yeah, I know, EVERY addict thinks he/she can quit whenever he/she wants -- but this false sense of control is MORE prominent in the narc. After all, he/she controls everything and everyone else, so why not the drug, too? It is simply the way the narc's mind works. I know, I witnessed it firsthand.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Now, not only was I desperately trying to change a situation that was unchangeable, I was watching the person I loved kill himself and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I was fighting two battles. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Sadly, I was on the wrong side. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I watched as he systematically shut down EVERY opportunity myself, family and his TRUE friends offered to help. He had it ALL under control. And we were all delusional, he wasn't using drugs -- he just wasn't "getting enough sleep." </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The degree of malice with which he would attack me grew tenfold. His paranoia bordered on insanity and his projecting and accusations became more outlandish than ever. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Everything came to a screeching halt in a matter of hours one afternoon. Still bearing the bruises from not two days before, I offered one last attempt to reason with him. I never should have tried. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The conversation -- or as narcs view it, the confrontation -- disintegrated into an argument. I waved the white flag to get him to calm down. Admitted fault for even trying to talk to him. Then he immediately demanded sex -- as a way of "making up." </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Watching Hyde turn into Jekyll before my eyes was disgusting enough -- now he was upping the ante by demanding another piece of me that I wasn't willing to give. Suffice to say things escalated yet again. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
As he throttled me, his eyes were void of any trace of the man I once knew. There was NOTHING there. It was at that moment I knew I had to get out. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
During my first visit with my advocate at the DV shelter, I had to take an assessment -- used to gauge the degree of abuse present in the relationship -- and it wasn't until that moment that I realized exactly how dangerous my situation had become. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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The <a href="http://www.nih.gov/" target="_blank">National Institutes of Health</a> (NIH) states "non-fatal strangulation of women" by an intimate partner "is an important risk factor for homicide of women." Numerous studies have been conducted about IPV, especially the role of manual strangulation (a.k.a. throttling). According to one <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11604293" target="_blank">study</a>, </div>
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"Strangulation occurs late in the abusive relationship; thus, women presenting with complaints consistent with strangulation probably represent women at a higher risk for morbidity or mortality." </div>
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Now, the question becomes, would he have done it had he NOT had drugs in his system? Maybe. Maybe not. I wouldn't want to venture a guess. </div>
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What I am certain of is, it happened. And he KNEW what he'd done. </div>
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But, in his mind, IT DID NOT MATTER. </div>
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I "asked for it." It was MY FAULT. If I had only stayed on the straight and narrow and not "run my mouth" and did "my job" he wouldn't have had to do it. So, long as I didn't "provoke" him again, everything would be fine.</div>
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When you are in the midst of the storm it is VERY difficult to see the fallacy in such an argument. You are so broken down that you believe it. But I am here to tell you NO ONE deserves to be abused. As I've stated before, I don't care if you burnt his supper, shrunk his favorite t-shirt by accident or even if you DID do it on purpose, that DOES NOT give someone the right to abuse another. NO EXCUSES. </div>
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Adding substance abuse into the equation makes it a bit trickier when trying to cope and survive domestic abuse and IPV. </div>
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ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, can tell you when to leave. That falls to you. Only YOU know when you are ready to take the leap into the waters and start swimming to the other shore. "But what if I don't know how to swim?" you may ask. Believe me, YOU CAN SWIM. And YOU WILL.</div>
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As terrifying and difficult as it is, you MUST take that proverbial step back to view your situation as objectively as possible. Has he/she promised to change? Of course. Has he/she? No. Do you hold out hope one day he/she will? Of course. What's the probability it will happen? Zilch. </div>
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It is essential that you educate yourself about the cycle of domestic violence, NPD, and if alcohol and/or drugs are part of the equation, it won't hurt to familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of addiction, too. </div>
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Utilize as many resources as you possibly can. And if you are in a situation where you do not feel safe possessing these materials or perusing the Internet -- due to the watchful eye of your abuser -- employ the help of family and/or friends. </div>
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Once you are able to identify the patterns you start to take back the Power. </div>
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In "No Mud, No Lotus" Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes,</div>
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"If we can recognize suffering, and if we embrace it and look deeply into its roots, then we'll be able to let go of the habits that feed it and, at the same time, find a way to happiness. Suffering has its beneficial aspects. It can be an excellent teacher."</div>
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Indeed it can. And it is. And it can be as merciless as a ruler-wielding Catholic nun. </div>
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Now, Hanh wasn't explicitly addressing domestic abuse, but I feel the passage is VERY fitting. </div>
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As soon as I was able to see the roots of suffering in my relationship, it empowered me to see it for what it was. I had to swallow the bitter pill that it was a cycle of violence buoyed on illusion. </div>
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There was NOTHING stable about it what-so-EVER and it would NEVER change. Accepting that fucking HURT. But it was also Liberating. </div>
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I said it before and I'll say it again. Addiction is a BITCH. Watching someone you love battle their demons is torture. Losing them to their addiction, as I and my family lost Brian, is devastating and beyond heartbreaking.</div>
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But when the addict is your abuser, it makes the situation more perverse. You are now going to battle on TWO fronts. Continuing to try to save him/her from his/her addiction with the hope you will make a difference in the relationship and fix his/her underlying needs/issues is Suicide. </div>
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There comes a point where you must view yourself with compassion. It is up to you to garner the strength to know you can make it on your own and that you do not deserve to be abused. </div>
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You lived before your abuser, and you will THRIVE after he/she is long gone. </div>
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We must not allow our circumstances and impermanent situations to force our hand and make decisions that can be detrimental in the long-term. Understand, there must be suffering in order for there to be happiness. The trick is what you do with both. The key is to find and maintain that delicate balance. And I have all the confidence in the world that you will regain your equilibrium. </div>
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It's kind of like getting off one of those stomach-churning roller coasters. You feel like you're gonna puke -- and you may, I know I did -- but once you are off the ride and feel the solid ground under your feet there's nothing that can compare. </div>
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Odds are, you will look back and think, "What a helluva ride... Not gonna do THAT again."</div>
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And you will confidently place one foot in front of the other and walk away... Like a Boss.</div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-54659548254815707382016-03-25T12:43:00.001-07:002016-03-25T13:02:29.876-07:00Mirror Mirror... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Nobody can hurt me without my permission."<br />
~~ Mahatma Gandhi<br />
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It is time to look in the mirror.</div>
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During a conversation with a dear friend today, he made me realize something.</div>
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In my posts up to this point, I've tried to lay out the groundwork for recognizing and dealing with aspects of narcissistic abuse. However, I think we should take a step back momentarily and look at the inner workings of how DV relationships come to fruition.</div>
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Yes, as a rule, there are two sides to a DV relationship. There is the abuser and the abused, or victim, if you will.</div>
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However, as important as it is to become familiar with moving parts of the relationship, it is also essential to look more closely at the dynamics of the individuals involved in the relationship.</div>
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Technically speaking, there is NO KNOWN cause for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). But there are many theories out there about its origins. Depending on to which camp you belong, your opinion of NPD may differ. But at the root of all discussions are two common threads:</div>
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<u><b>Genetics or psychobiology</b></u> -- Essentially there is some kind of issue with one's hardwiring -- meaning, things don't match up between an individual's brain, way of thinking, and behavior. </div>
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<b><u>Upbringing/Childhood Relationships</u></b> -- Somewhere along the way there were major hiccups in the individual's relationship with his/her parents/caregivers leading to excessive criticism, praise or utter dismissal of the individual by those adults. </div>
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So essentially, we fall back to the Nature vs. Nurture argument. And that is an argument that could go on for eons with seemingly no resolution b/c everyone has their own opinions about what it is that shapes us. For the sake of argument, let's just say that either one or both of the above factors may play a role in the development of a narcissistic personality.</div>
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Now that that's out of the way, let's look at the victims of narcissistic abuse/domestic violence. There are essentially two types of personalities who gravitate (knowingly or not) to those with NPD:</div>
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<b><u>Fixers</u></b>: There are some individuals who experience what can only be described as a compulsion-like mentality to fix others. Oftentimes, those with a fixer mentality also exhibit elements of co-dependency. It doesn't matter if the relationship is toxic or not, the fixer is determined to make things work. As painful as it is to admit it, they take on a relationship with a person who they learn is NOT healthy for them, but they choose to become involved anyhow. There could be a plethora of reasons for doing so that stem from childhood trauma to low self-esteem (which may be rooted in said trauma). Whatever the case, the fixer often feels broken him-/herself and doesn't believe he/she is deserving of better. </div>
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<b><u>Empaths/Highly Sensitive Personality</u></b>: Individuals who are highly sensitive are very attractive to narcs. For these types of personalities, they do not realize they're in a toxic relationship until it's too late. Unfamiliar with the red flags of DV, they are oftentimes bewildered at how they came to be in their present situation and are unsure of how to get out. Empaths are very in tune with the needs of others, feel emotions far more intensely than others, and are -- unfortunately -- great fodder for the narc. </div>
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Personally, I'm an empath. After experiencing DV and NPD firsthand, I know to run like hell if I see even a hint of red -- or, hell, even dark pink, magenta, any semblance of red -- waving in front of me. And I think that is the difference b/t the two personality types. </div>
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Fixers often don't care if there is a sea of red flags waving before them. By god, they WILL fix the person come hell or high water. There was once a part of me that leaned toward being a fixer -- until it nearly killed me. </div>
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There comes a point in a relationship when you have to take a step back and really look at what is going on. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and see the relationship for what it truly is. </div>
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As you get older you realize YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE. If it is in their hardwiring to be a prick, they're going to be a prick. If it's in their hardwiring to be an abuser, they're going to be an abuser. Period. </div>
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Once you come to accept that, then you need to look in the mirror. Take a good look and ask yourself some hard questions. </div>
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"What brought me here?" "What am I doing to perpetuate this cycle?" "Why do I stay?"</div>
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And before you even say it, NO YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED. I don't care if you DID buy him the wrong beer, burn his supper, or accidentally bleach his favorite shirt while doing laundry. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. PERIOD. </div>
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Looking in the mirror while you're in the midst of the storm can be painful. I know I felt drained, defeated, hopeless, frazzled and even ashamed of my reflection.<br />
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But, as I found, an epiphany WILL COME.<br />
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This life is a Gift. You ARE a beautiful human being who is deserving of LOYALTY, LOVE AND RESPECT. And, with time, you will see it, too. And you will stand stronger, more confident and proud of who you have become. A survivor. </div>
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Before you begin the trek to the opposite shore, you WILL reach a point where you have to start holding yourself accountable and seriously consider what you can/should do to change your situation. </div>
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It took me a long while to get there, but I finally reached a point where I'd had enough. I was drowning. And he certainly wasn't offering a hand to save me. He was too busy tying boulders to my ankles to hasten the process. </div>
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As I have quoted before, the Buddha said it is up to US to walk our own path... no one may do it for us. The same goes with the choices you make. </div>
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Sure, you were duped by the narc. You fell for an ILLUSION. The important thing is NOW YOU KNOW. </div>
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"But I love him," you say.</div>
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OK, I understand that. I DO. I said the SAME THING. Even after I had left and was struggling to lift myself from the quicksands of a VERY toxic and violent situation. </div>
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But do you really love him/her? Or do you love the idea of him/her? Are you in love with the illusion you have of him/her? Odds are, I would venture to say, you are in love with the illusion you have of him or her. </div>
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It is very difficult to look your abuser in the eye after they have forced you to have sex, struck you, kept you confined or threatened to do you bodily harm and say, "I love you," and FEEL IT. </div>
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My abuser would always "lament" the "good old days" before the violence, before the abuse saying he missed the times we used to cuddle, when we would hold hands, when we would laugh. </div>
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Well, ALL that took place in the idealization phase of the relationship, BEFORE the mask came off. Before I saw the Beast inside. I would say, "It's REALLY difficult to want to cuddle with someone who just forced you to have sex... It is REALLY difficult to want to cuddle with someone who makes you feel like shit ALL THE TIME... It is REALLY difficult to want to cuddle with someone who does nothing but tear you down." </div>
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And for whatever reason, that didn't compute with him. </div>
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While I was trying so desperately to change him, he was busy raising the bar. His expectations of who I should be FOR HIM and FOR US reached unattainable heights. In the end, I realized NOTHING I would do would ever be enough. He would still lie, he would still cheat. NOTHING would change. Period.</div>
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No matter how deeply or intensely you love him/her it DOES NOT and WILL NOT be enough for him/her to change who they REALLY ARE. And therein lies the conundrum. </div>
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To further complicate the issue -- Enter, Fear. I KNOW b/c I was once there myself. I understand the fear victims have of their abuser. I understand the hesitancy to even entertain the idea of leaving. It is utterly TERRIFYING to the point it can be nearly paralyzing. I get it. </div>
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But if the relationship has deteriorated to the point that you no longer recognize yourself in the mirror, it is detrimental to your overall health, and you ARE in danger and it's time to seek help from the outside. </div>
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There are people willing to help. I promise. And I would almost guarantee, your friends and family who have been on the outside looking in have only been waiting for the opportunity to lend a hand. All you need to do is ask. And there are also other organizations and resources available to help you reclaim your life away from your abuser -- and to help you do so in a safe manner. </div>
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"We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize."</div>
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~~ Thich Nhat Hanh</div>
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What I want you to please take away from this, at this point in time, is that it IS possible to avoid these types of relationships. Now, if you are a fixer -- and you know who you are -- I don't know that I can be of much help. But if you are an empath, like myself, the goal is to familiarize yourself with the red flags of DV and narc abuse. Know them inside and out. Then, should you cross paths with an individual who fits the bill of a narc, you know to run like hell in the opposite direction before they even have a chance to hook and reel you in. </div>
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Understand, no amount of hollow apologies, false promises or honeymoon phases will EVER change a narc. The responsibility falls on your shoulders to educate yourself and take whatever steps necessary to not put yourself in the same situation again. I will say it once more YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. PERIOD. </div>
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So take the energy you would exert in the futile effort of trying to change a tiger's stripes and reinvest that energy into YOURSELF. Rebuild yourself from the inside out. Happiness and contentment are already inside you --- truly. You will NEVER find genuine happiness in another person and certainly not in trying to "fix" a volatile relationship. </div>
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You are worth WAY MORE and deserve so much better. Just find your footing. Then it's a matter of placing one foot in front of the other. You WILL stumble. I did. A LOT. Hell, I STILL stumble. But with support, you WILL find your way... It takes time. It won't be easy. But it WILL be worth it. I promise.</div>
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"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth;</div>
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Not going all the way and not starting."</div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha</div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3 </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-48788031922197371342016-03-24T07:50:00.002-07:002016-03-24T07:55:38.844-07:00Gray Rock... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"You, with your switching sides,</div>
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And your wildfire lies and your humiliation,</div>
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You have pointed out my flaws again,</div>
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As if I don't already see them,</div>
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I walk with my head down,</div>
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Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you</div>
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I just wanna feel okay again..."<br />
~~ Taylor Swift, "Mean"</div>
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<b>*** TRIGGER WARNING ***</b></div>
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There must ALWAYS be drama, otherwise, narcs get bored VERY easily.</div>
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The abuser THRIVES on your reactions to his/her abuse. </div>
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ANY trait you possess that the abuser is envious of he/she WILL use it against you. If you show strength, he/she will do EVERYTHING he/she can to break it. If you show determination, he/she will make you feel hopeless. If you have strong relationships with family and friends, he/she will break them. And if you show any shred of independence, he/she will take that from you, too. </div>
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Once I was thrown into the abyss of the Devaluing stage of the relationship, I was struggling EVERY DAY to not let him see me cry. If I did, I was incessantly taunted and put down about my "fake-ass tears" and reminded about how I was "too sensitive." "thin-skinned," and "weak."<br />
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If I was REALLY unlucky that day, the Beast would come out and I'd find myself on the receiving end of one of his angry tirades that could go on for HOURS. My phone would blow up with calls -- him picking up where he'd left off, yelling and cursing at me -- and texts. And god forbid I hang up on him. Then it WAS game on.<br />
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"How dare you! Don't you fucking hang up on me again, bitch!" he'd scream. "Hang up again and I'll just keep calling until you let me say what I've to say."<br />
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Well, "letting him say what he had to say" was like putting a foul-mouthed Teddy Ruxpin on repeat for HOURS. Nothing new... Just the same story OVER and OVER and OVER. Repeated put downs, name calling, insults and threats.<br />
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If he EXPECTED an apology and I didn't deliver it in the right tone of voice using the right words AND sound "sincere," the hateful barrage of abuse would begin all over again.<br />
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He wasn't too good to go off mid-day when he KNEW I was in the midst of doing phone interviews or calling sources. And if he would call during that time and someone would beep in, he would refuse to hang up and if I hung up on him, he would immediately call back.<br />
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"I don't give a fuck who it is! Make 'em wait. You ALWAYS put other people above me," he'd scream.<br />
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And I know what you're thinking, "Why didn't you just turn off your ringer or shut the phone off?"<br />
<br />
Yeah, I tried that... A couple of times. But it wasn't an option.<br />
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One, I couldn't do it during business hours and, secondly, doing so would only force face-to-face contact. And I CERTAINLY didn't want that -- I was already mentally exhausted and crying. Besides, during face-to-face encounters his tirades were 10x worse with the finger wagging and his LITERALLY getting in my face to spew his hateful, abusive speech.<br />
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I eventually learned to gauge his demeanor and attitude and if I felt an outburst was coming I would do my best to ward it off until I was off work.<br />
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In time, I learned these outbursts of his were a genuine Tell. </div>
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<br />
From then on, I would ALWAYS know when my abuser was scoping for or courting new supply. He would become VERY distant while still keeping one foot in the relationship. He would get insanely jealous and have fits of anger the likes of which I'd never seen before. </div>
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It got to the point where if I even so much as smiled in front of strangers, and god forbid another man, he would come UNHINGED. </div>
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"Why don't you ever smile like that when you're around ME?!?" or "Oh, you can smile for him... What's up with that? Are you screwing him?"<br />
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It was INSANITY. And it was UNBEARABLE.<br />
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So, I would cower down. "No, of course not! Why would you say such a thing?"<br />
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"Well, I don't know what you DO when I'm not with you."<br />
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In the beginning, it never dawned on me that these accusations he was hurling at me were merely projections of his own wrongdoing. I'm sure somewhere in his mind, he figured if he was up to no good then I was, too. Guess it made him feel better to cast me in the same dark shadow as his own.<br />
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And, to a degree, he did succeed. He dimmed my inner Light.<br />
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Narcs go to EXTREME lengths to cover their tracks to perpetuate their twisted game.<br />
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At one point, I found out he had my name changed in his contacts to "UNKNOWN" -- that way if I called or text when he was with one of his other women, he could justifiably say, "I don't know who it is," and wouldn't answer. No harm, no foul. None the wiser, eh? 'Til he tripped up and just happened to let me see it one day. When I questioned him on it he said, "Oh, I don't know how that happened. I think my phone did it." I called BULLSHIT.<br />
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"You know you really should trust me," he said. "I've given you no reason not to."<br />
<br />
Seriously?<br />
<br />
Then true to narc form he deflected, veered off topic and threw up to me the hundreds of contacts I had in my phone. Well, being a journalist you DO acquire a LOT of contacts. And, I'm sorry, but NONE of my contacts were listed as "UNKNOWN." And I'm not ashamed to answer my phone in front of anyone.<br />
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I had to do something and going NO CONTACT wasn't an option at the time b/c I was still too traumatized and scared of what he might do if I left.<br />
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Things had begun to turn physically violent. And before it was over I was sexually and physically assaulted.<br />
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So I became like a rock.<br />
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I began to distance myself and adopted what's called the Gray Rock approach for dealing with narc abuse.<br />
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Think about it, when you look at a rock bed strewn with similar colored rocks, nothing stands out... All you see is a blanket of gray and neutral tones... You want to be like those rocks... Not standing out... Nothing shiny or distinguishable to make you noticeable to your abuser. You want to blend in.<br />
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The intended Goal is to become so boring that the abuser moves on to find new supply -- permanently. Face it, if they aren't getting a reaction out of you and you're no longer fun, what's the point in staying? Or returning?<br />
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Here are some examples of utilizing the Gray Rock method:<br />
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** Keep it BORING. Talk about doing chores or something as equally uninteresting.<br />
** DO NOT talk about anything you have coming up, like meeting with friends, a movie you want to see, a vacation, or concert, etc...<br />
** If the abuser resorts to pushing your buttons -- as hard as it is -- DO NOT REACT.<br />
** SHOULDER THE BLAME. Make the abuser think you genuinely believe it IS you and NOT them.<br />
** DO NOT say anything the abuser could use as an excuse to become jealous or angry.<br />
** Figuratively, KEEP THE BLINDS CLOSED. Do NOT discuss anything about your personal life with the abuser. The less he/she knows about you the better off you will be and the less powerful he/she will feel.<br />
<br />
I employed this tactic for several months. My abuser took it as ammunition to then twist to make me sound like the most cold-hearted bitch to ever walk the face of the earth. According to him, I no longer gave a damn about him. To a degree he was right.<br />
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Truth is, I DID care about him. I DID love him. But the difference now was I KNEW he didn't give a damn about me. I was just a toy. Something to amuse him. Something to feed his ego. A pawn. And that was NOT healthy for me.<br />
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In time, he DID go on to find new supply. Now that doesn't mean he didn't STILL try to return every now and again to test the waters to see if I was still that "cold-hearted bitch" or if I'd forgiven him and would offer yet another shot to revive a relationship that had been D.O.A. for MONTHS.<br />
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He would attempt the tired "I'm sorry, I know I hurt you... It won't happen again, I PROMISE," routine. Suffice to say, as much as I wanted to believe him, I knew it was lies.<br />
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It takes time to finally work up the strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship. But TRUST ME it IS worth it in the end. The abuser is NOT going to change. The Toxicity of the relationship will not suddenly become Pure. There was no purity to begin with.<br />
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If going NO CONTACT is not an option for you, then be a Rock. With time, NO CONTACT may become an option, but there are situations where it is simply not possible, like if you have children with the abuser. The best you can do is to get as much control as you possibly can over yourself and your reactions to the narc's behaviors. The less reaction you offer, the better.<br />
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It is OK to still feel. BUT you CANNOT continue to hold out hope that he/she will change... By doing so, you are only hurting yourself. And you have been hurt ENOUGH! You can love someone and NOT be IN love with them... And when dealing with a narc, the more distance you put between you the BETTER. Look back at him/her from that distant shore -- where you are SAFE -- with compassion and love.<br />
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Second to YOURSELF... Narcs, abusers and their ilk are in need of compassion the most.<br />
<br />
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"Silence the angry man with love.</div>
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Silence the ill-natured man with kindness.</div>
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Silence the miser with generosity.</div>
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Silence the liar with truth."</div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha</div>
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<br /></div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-81078816683236920872016-03-22T10:13:00.001-07:002016-03-22T10:13:07.990-07:00Smear Campaign... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2kg7T64jq8NdWkE-8na0s1M5J8k-RSAgo6RIiB3nzxv5SkDVzmOGEeYsRKSlJay_ILukCSPPzyjrZ9_sU7BulRtSg7-TKzHjNlyoFmP58KkH0dr4QzyZ5Dr9BQtnofzv0BUX8Orrng5xD/s1600/no+evil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2kg7T64jq8NdWkE-8na0s1M5J8k-RSAgo6RIiB3nzxv5SkDVzmOGEeYsRKSlJay_ILukCSPPzyjrZ9_sU7BulRtSg7-TKzHjNlyoFmP58KkH0dr4QzyZ5Dr9BQtnofzv0BUX8Orrng5xD/s1600/no+evil.jpg" /></a></div>
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"A man can tell a thousand lies,</div>
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I've learned my lesson well,</div>
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Hope I live to tell,</div>
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The secret I have learned, 'till then,</div>
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It will burn inside of me..." </div>
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~~ Madonna, "Live to Tell"</div>
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Long before the discard phase of your relationship even begins, the narc has already begun laying the foundation for his/her sinister Smear Campaign.</div>
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The Goal: Character Assassination designed to make YOU look as unstable, unreliable and downright Crazy as possible. Period.</div>
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The Smear Campaign is intended to DESTROY your reputation, relationships, career, etc... Essentially, to destroy your LIFE. </div>
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My abuser began his Smear Campaign LONG BEFORE I even realized what was going on. </div>
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Here's how it works: The abuser weaves an intricate web of lies and stories catered to his/her goal of making him/her look like the victim of your Crazy Making. As the relationship enters the Discard phase, the stories and lies become more outlandish and intense. The abuser may even literally go through the motions of making it appear you are the dangerous one.</div>
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For instance, my abuser had family and friends convinced I was the unstable one. I was the stalker. </div>
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He would call/text me as though all was hunky-dory. I was led to believe we were "working on things," meanwhile, he was telling others he had left me and couldn't figure out why I was still coming around. He was "scared" because I kept calling and he didn't know what I "was capable of." </div>
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I often wondered why it was when friends or family would be around I'd always get sideways looks and questioning stares. But NO ONE would say a word. I KNEW something wasn't right. </div>
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In the end, when I finally worked up the courage to leave, the Truth about what he'd been saying and doing came out. Then, right on cue, came the Flying Monkeys. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHBok94MLuSXic44cI0R8bGQwPZy2YRm9L1QNXbKvzFhXhwciWJpw6TuaLx94ntYbxqUIsQsi2-X20AOuAazpqI7uAojDREjSxM0e0djRFDXLxSNLG-hJUlCvaYsBlUj4z0mX4gA4qduSA/s1600/flying+monkeys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHBok94MLuSXic44cI0R8bGQwPZy2YRm9L1QNXbKvzFhXhwciWJpw6TuaLx94ntYbxqUIsQsi2-X20AOuAazpqI7uAojDREjSxM0e0djRFDXLxSNLG-hJUlCvaYsBlUj4z0mX4gA4qduSA/s320/flying+monkeys.jpg" width="273" /></a></div>
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In narc terms, <b>Flying Monkeys</b> are those individuals who believe the abuser's lies and stories -- they are Enablers. In an effort to aid the abuser, they will do his/her bidding. They bully the victim and go to great lengths to please the narc. These bullies are generally personalities who are Passive-Aggressive and seek similar approval and praise as the abuser -- only to a lesser degree. </div>
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The FMs believe you must be taught a lesson. You must PAY for the hurt you caused the abuser. So they may spy on you. They may contact you directly. They may spread rumors about you. </div>
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They will go to WHATEVER lengths necessary to create chaos and disorder.</div>
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The FMs' Goal: Provoke a response from YOU. </div>
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Whatever response you offer is then twisted to fit the warped picture the narc has painted -- "See? She IS crazy!," "I told you she would say that!," "Now you know what I'VE been putting up with!" </div>
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Blah blah blah.</div>
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My abuser had an entire harem of FMs. </div>
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Once the Smear Campaign is in full swing, the narc keeps him-/herself surrounded by their FMs. It serves a dual purpose, he/she not only is making your life a living hell, but they've got the fan club to back it up making him/her feel all the more justified in his/her actions. The FMs stand in awe of the stories and lies and cannot believe the "injustice" you have thrust upon the abuser. ** Poor things, if they only knew the TRUE injustice. ** </div>
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"There are TWO sides to every story," abusers and FMs say. Indeed. There are.</div>
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Smear Campaigns can be EXTREMELY damaging for the target/victim. Even if you DON'T respond (which I HIGHLY recommend), it can take a while for third parties to realize they've been duped into believing the narc. </div>
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But, give it time, they WILL see the TRUTH. I promise. </div>
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As soon as the FMs don't play according to the narc's rules or begin to question him/her, they too become discarded and potential targets of the abuser's wrath. </div>
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With time, as you move forward and IGNORE the FMs' and narc's attempts to provoke a response, your growth and healing will show those who once believed the abuser's tales the REAL TRUTH. </div>
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I know it is VERY difficult, but, please believe me when I say, Silence is your best defense against such malicious, callous attacks by your abuser. </div>
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If you leave them be they will do a FINE JOB self-destructing on their own. Eventually, their lies will catch up with them -- EVERYTHING THAT IS HELD TOGETHER WITH LIES FALLS APART IN THE END.</div>
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When you remain silent, don't feed the negativity, and just breathe a sense of CALM washes over you. </div>
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"When a man knows the solitude of silence, </div>
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and feels the joy of quietness, </div>
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he is then free from fear and he feels the joy of the dharma." </div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha </div>
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This is the point where, as I've said before, only when you are safely on the opposite shore is it OK to look back with compassion. </div>
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It has taken a long time for me to get where I am. But with each passing day and each step I take forward I leave him and his toxicity that much further behind me. And those who knew me then compared to now cannot believe how far I've come. Hell, I can't believe it sometimes.</div>
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You will be AMAZED at how much easier it is to breathe when you aren't living under the weight of narcissistic expectations and abuse. </div>
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It takes a TREMENDOUS amount of strength to keep moving forward. I fight every day to continue putting one foot in front of the other. </div>
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There are days when my PTSD and anxiety are almost suffocating even though the storm has long passed. </div>
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But, as survivors, moving forward is what we do. We SURVIVE.</div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-10571547890314471382016-03-21T09:09:00.004-07:002016-03-21T14:24:28.362-07:00Hoovering 101... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglaKL4Ph_iJJdHVRyxPO-TrQBa3YSeIRr5LOjeYil7juYsBzmy0XOVJfGZnjfgOoj2LniFr229sHLGrRK9Jzsm2xYCgvipcuuxEUK22ppxwW3qn8rS0Xuf3EyNhtaIpjKw43hjhvVJNgz1/s1600/hoover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglaKL4Ph_iJJdHVRyxPO-TrQBa3YSeIRr5LOjeYil7juYsBzmy0XOVJfGZnjfgOoj2LniFr229sHLGrRK9Jzsm2xYCgvipcuuxEUK22ppxwW3qn8rS0Xuf3EyNhtaIpjKw43hjhvVJNgz1/s320/hoover.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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"Oh, he wants me,</div>
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But only part of the time.</div>
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He wants me,</div>
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If he can keep me in line..."</div>
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~~ Til Tuesday, "Voices Carry"</div>
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Ever feel like the narc is doing his damnedest to suck you back into the relationship? Yeah, there's a term for that. It's called Hoovering. And, yes, its namesake is taken from the vacuum cleaner.</div>
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You have been idealized, devalued and discarded -- or you have made the brave choice to leave. Then, you are suddenly Lovebombed and overwhelmed with attention from the narc. It is a way for him/her to test the waters and see if you are still potential supply.</div>
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He/she knows how to push your buttons, and even better they know how to suck you back in. They know what you want to hear. They know what won you over in the past and, odds are, it will work again... and again... and again.</div>
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My abuser ALWAYS prefaced his returns with the infamous Promise to Change routine. Sometimes the "change" would last for months, but towards the end I was lucky if the change lasted a matter of HOURS or even MINUTES.</div>
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Narcs, and other socio-/psychopathic personalities, are masters at manipulating situations and people to achieve their goal/agenda.</div>
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Keep in mind, Hoovering can quickly turn from "lovey-dovey" to downright threatening. In this digital age, most Hoovering is done via text messaging and social media -- narcs find it a viable means of communication b/c it is done from a "distance" and as soon as the supply is "hooked" the narc reels him/her in. </div>
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That being said, here are a few techniques commonly employed by narcs to Hoover their victims:</div>
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** <b>Hey Stranger</b>: The narc uses this guise to reach out to you as if everything is hunky dory -- nothing happened. He/she may say, "How's it going?", "I've been thinking about you."</div>
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** <b>Concern</b>: He/she may play on your need for them to be "concerned" about you. Messages may include, "You mean the world to me, I just want to make sure you're doing alright," "I hope you aren't still mad at me, I'm sorry," "I'm worried about you."</div>
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** <b>Guilt/Pity</b>: Playing on your longing for things to be 'normal' again, the narc may say things like, "I know how I messed up, please give us another chance," "I won't make the same mistake(s) again, I've learned my lesson," "Please take me back, I've changed. I promise you."</div>
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** <b>Affection/Sexual Undertones</b>: Knowing there was really no genuine affection to start with, he/she may play on that by saying, "I miss waking up with you," "I wish we could snuggle like we used to," "You know we are soul mates, please come back. I'd be so affectionate, you will see I've changed," "No one else makes me feel like you do, I miss that. Please come back."</div>
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** <b>Flip-Flop</b>: The narc may reverse his/her Hoovering by saying, "Hey... Did you just text me?," "I think I missed a call from you, what'd you need?" And you know damn well you never text or called him/her. They may go so far as to suggest they just saw you out somewhere by saying something along the lines of, "Were you just at ____?" or "Did you just come by the house?"</div>
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** <b>Health Issues</b>: This is a rare one my abuser played a couple of times. He/she may text saying there's been an accident or someone is ill -- even him/her. "OMG, I think I need to go to the hospital and I can't get ahold of anyone, will you please come?," "I think I'm sick, can you please take me to the hospital?," "___ just had a stroke. I need you. Please."</div>
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** <b>Interests</b>: The abuser knows you VERY WELL. They've taken note of all your interests and may reach out to invite you to something they know you would like, such as "Hey, (so-and-so) is playing this weekend and I got tickets, you want to go?," "There's a play opening tomorrow night, wanna go?," "I know you start your garden around this time. I noticed (such and such store) has their spring plants out, wanna go pick some up?"</div>
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** <b>Holidays</b>: Despite not being in contact you may receive a message that says, "Happy birthday!," "Merry Christmas!," or "Happy New Year!."</div>
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And when the above tactics don't pan out to his/her liking, his/her tone will shift and become more aggressive and/or threatening.</div>
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** <b>Accusatory</b>: Even though you may not have reached out to others, the narc may say, "I talked to (so-and-so), why are you talking to him/her?," "What are you doing talking to my kids?," "Why did you call my dad?" "You never told me you cheated on me, but I just found out," "I can't believe you lied to me about ____." </div>
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** <b>Threatening</b>: When the accusatory messages don't get a rise out of you he/she may take a more confrontational projecting tone, such as "I've moved on, leave me alone," "Why are you stalking me?," "I don't understand why you keep texting and calling me?" And you KNOW for a fact you've done no such thing, but for a minute the narc has you doubting yourself -- which is exactly what he/she wants. He/she is Projecting their actions onto you. Be aware and take note -- they're offering a Tell! </div>
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When these tactics don't work to get your attention, don't be surprised if your abuser uses the same methods to reach out to others. Remember, Triangulation is the narc's Go-To method of pitting people against one another and to spark action. He/she may employ others to "check" on you and report back. </div>
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The narc may also get too arrogant and use such methods to inadvertently tell on him-/herself. For instance, a message may be sent to a mutual friend saying, "I just saw her, she doesn't act like she misses me," "Who was that guy/girl I saw her/him with?," "Whose car is that in his/her driveway, she said she was alone." </div>
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The best thing others can do is shut the narc down the moment contact is made. But those who are unaware of the situation may offer information the narc uses to fuel his/her obsession and Hoover that much harder. Only you know the narc and his/her patterns of behavior. If you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to give potential "sources" a heads-up about your situation so they're aware and don't fall prey to the narc's fishing expedition. </div>
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I can't tell you how long it took me to finally work up the courage to go No Contact. In the beginning, when things would go bad it would take all I had not to call or text to apologize just so I could feel that things were OK again. And when I would get an unexpected message from him offering "concern" or playing on my emotions to feel bad for him I would immediately jump back into the fire. I still believed somewhere deep down he DID love me and was genuinely sorry for how things were. He just needed time to see the error of his ways. I fell for the "I miss you," "I've changed, I promise," "I know I messed up, please forgive me. It won't happen again," time and time and time again. </div>
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That being said, when the mask would drop just enough that I'd see he really HAD NOT changed and would call him on it that's when things would go to hell. Then I'd get text messages, social media messages and calls CONSTANTLY. All accusing me of things I would never do and had NOT done. When those didn't work, uglier, threatening messages would come through. </div>
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Believe me when I say, narcs will employ WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY to keep their hooks in you. They will Hoover you til you take them back, can't take it anymore and fold OR you finally garner the strength to go NO CONTACT.</div>
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"Conquer anger with non-anger.</div>
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Conquer badness with goodness.</div>
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Conquer meanness with generosity.</div>
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Conquer dishonesty with truth."</div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha </div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-54430535745706159482016-03-20T14:00:00.000-07:002016-03-20T14:09:22.534-07:00Liar, Liar... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/awY1MRlMKMc/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/awY1MRlMKMc?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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I've never been a huge fan of Henry Rollins. HOWEVER...<br />
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Lyrically, Rollins NAILS IT with his portrayal of the Malignant Narcissist in his "Liar" video (1994).<br />
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Listen CLOSELY.<br />
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His POWERFUL, SPOT ON portrayal of the sadistic narcissist offers a disturbing glimpse of what it's like to deal with a narc; even down to the "apology" that you KNOW is coming in the end.<br />
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And the chorus... Well, when the mask comes off...<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-88083524595282097692016-03-20T10:31:00.001-07:002016-03-20T11:09:30.297-07:00"Clouds in my coffee..."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglDj0RiFL9uzWgRQGaMZT_zA6FzlASKqSuUv0jtBIQ9G9Ac3HeVq3nlLyYaCorYAUfxVKAHzzAEWqEWAs3QqERUj4WzOuo49L80n2pSgPi06L6Qs20eiGCOmqRsFcF09d05HKmFGCJE2yl/s1600/narcissist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglDj0RiFL9uzWgRQGaMZT_zA6FzlASKqSuUv0jtBIQ9G9Ac3HeVq3nlLyYaCorYAUfxVKAHzzAEWqEWAs3QqERUj4WzOuo49L80n2pSgPi06L6Qs20eiGCOmqRsFcF09d05HKmFGCJE2yl/s320/narcissist.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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"You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive,</div>
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Well you said that we made such a pretty pair, </div>
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And that you would never leave,</div>
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But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me,</div>
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I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee..."</div>
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~~ Carly Simon, "You're So Vain"</div>
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<b>*** TRIGGER WARNING</b> <b>***</b> </div>
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Unless you have met or been involved with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder it is VERY difficult to understand how quickly one can take a tumble down the Rabbit Hole.</div>
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Classified by the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (offered by the American Psychological Association) as a member of the Cluster B disorders, which includes dramatic, erratic and emotional disorders, NPD affects nearly 7 percent of the U.S. population, according to the nonprofit organization, Personality Disorder Awareness Network (PDAN). </div>
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According to the DSM-V, those with NPD exhibit the following traits:</div>
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** Exaggerated sense of self-importance, entitlement, and a preoccupation with power and accomplishment. They require constant admiration and praise -- even when it is unwarranted.</div>
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** Arrogance, haughtiness, are envious of others, and are unable/unwilling to recognize the needs of others. And they have no qualms with taking advantage of others to get their way.</div>
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When you first met your abuser, odds are they seemed too good to be true. But, before long, your gut told you something wasn't right. Now, if you're anything like me, you ignored that initial twinge thinking you were just paranoid. Well, you're not.</div>
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By the time you acknowledge that twinge as justified, you are probably already experiencing signs of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.</div>
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Here are a few signs of NAS:</div>
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** You feel like you aren't good enough. Nothing you say or do passes the test and just when you think you have a handle on it, the abuser raises the bar another notch.</div>
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** You are consumed by the relationship. It is difficult to work. All the relationships with family and friends you once had have dwindled to nearly nothing. Eventually you are living with the anxiety of constant Fight or Flight and you feel you must walk on eggshells around your abuser. Any little thing sets them off, and you will avoid those situations AT ALL COSTS.</div>
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** You feel completely alone. You've realized the person you fell for doesn't really exist. You live day to day on autopilot catering to the abuser's every whim to keep the peace. Adding insult to injury, your abuser makes you feel like he/she is simply tolerating you. Gestures of affection, attention or genuine interest are nonexistent. </div>
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** The constant gaslighting, triangulation, manipulation and coercion have eroded you to the point you feel unworthy of anything. You are no longer good enough and the only thing that will momentarily take away that pain is some kind of positive attention -- no matter how small -- from the abuser. </div>
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** The cyclical hurt/comfort that you experience from the abuser becomes EXHAUSTING. This is b/c the abuser preys on your emotions. Once you are beat down to the point of being unable to pick yourself up off the floor (either metaphorically or literally), then the abuser comes around offering affection and pseudo-positive attention. But at this point in the Game, you take what you can get and that little dose of sympathy offers you a euphoric high -- but it doesn't last.</div>
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** Values and convictions you once had are long gone. You have gone above and beyond what you ever thought you were capable just to appease your abuser. For example, you may find you are suddenly lying and bending the truth just to protect him/her. "Those bruises? Oh, yeah, well, I tripped over the coffee table" OR "I tripped on the stairs." Anything to deflect blame from your abuser b/c, after all, he didn't mean to hurt you. </div>
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I experienced EVERY SINGLE ONE of these. </div>
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I remember sitting in a restaurant one time and he was verbally laying into me about something I hadn't done to his liking. If memory serves, I wasn't showing enough "effort" to help repair the relationship after his most recent oopsie --- getting caught with another woman AGAIN.</div>
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I'll NEVER forget that glare he had as he leaned over the table to berate me in what he thought was a hushed, angered tone of voice. Little did he realize the people across the way heard EVERYTHING. I couldn't take it anymore and the dam broke. The tears started flooding down my cheeks and I got up leaving him at the table. I walked out and stood just inside the front door.</div>
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A kind woman, who had been sitting across the way, came up and said, "Honey, are you OK. Do you need help?" </div>
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I wanted so much to say, "Yes, please make him stop." </div>
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But no words would come. I simply shook my head no and kept my eyes cast to the floor. </div>
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Here he came. And my entire body immediately tensed up. </div>
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As he was at the register paying he started in again with a louder voice this time. </div>
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"What the hell are you doing? You're making me look like such a douchebag. Quit those fake-ass tears, will ya?" </div>
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I glanced up long enough to see the woman's family had come out and was standing around her and ALL eyes were on my abuser. No one said a word. But they all silently filed out behind us to make sure I was (relatively) OK. </div>
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He turned and looked behind us. </div>
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"See? You've got those fucking people watching us!" </div>
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Once we got to the parking lot it all started again. I got to hear how "fucking weak" I was. What a "piece of shit" I was. How I was "too sensitive," "only thinking of myself," and I "needed to show more effort to make this work."</div>
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That was just one of the many HUNDREDS of verbal attacks I endured. But, as mentioned above, I felt as though I had deserved it. Even though, deep down, a tiny voice kept telling me I had done nothing wrong. But I HAD to have done SOMETHING to trigger him. Now, if only I could figure out what that something was and fix it, this wouldn't happen again. </div>
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But it did. Again and again and again. </div>
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Now, being fair, there ARE two sides to every story. I am simply offering mine. If you ask the narc, it would be a totally different tale twisted in his favor to make it look like I drove him to attack. How my selfishness and unwillingness to change (for him) was my fault. But, NO ONE deserves such verbal abuse and humiliation (especially in public). Period. </div>
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Not ONCE did he ever make a genuine effort to change his ways. Sure, there were times when he would come around being apologetic offering token gifts and seemingly heartfelt affection -- but that was simply b/c he had no new supply to fall back upon. Soon as he would give me the Silent Treatment (and shortly after discard) I knew there was another waiting in the wings.</div>
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But the discard was never "complete," he would keep communication open just enough to "keep tabs" on me to know I was there to fall back on. </div>
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You have to understand (and unless you have experienced it, it's nearly impossible) how CONVINCING a narc can be. Desperate times call for desperate measures and by god, if he knew he was up shit creek with no means of escape he was Prince Freakin' Charming and I fell for it EVERY goddamned time. </div>
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And then his addictions took over. </div>
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When substance abuse enters the picture the entire dynamic of the relationship takes on a more volatile tone. Now, not only are you dealing with the personality disorder and the abuse, but also the unpredictability of the effects the substance, or substances, has on the abuser's personality and behavior. But that, my friends, is another topic for another time.</div>
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I hope that my offering a brief intro to NAS and sharing an excerpt from my own story is enough to help someone out there who may be reading this who is in the midst of the storm or knows someone who is. You are NOT alone. </div>
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It has taken me a VERY long time to learn and understand that you MUST love yourself before you can love another. If you let go of, or have never possessed that love, you're offering up a doorway for others to take advantage of you. And there are those out there who WILL NOT HESITATE to do so. </div>
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"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection."</div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha</div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-13550266805031044062016-03-19T09:53:00.000-07:002016-03-19T09:53:01.274-07:00Down the Rabbit Hole...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." </div>
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~~ Lewis Carroll, <i>Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass</i></div>
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Somewhere along the way, I fell down the rabbit hole. </div>
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Chasing an illusion I discovered an absurd world where nothing was as it seemed and all its elements had been methodically positioned by a patient hand. </div>
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For those up top, it can be difficult to fathom what happens as you tumble down into an abyss shrouded in domestic abuse; especially since they tend to lose sight of you before long. But, then, you lose sight of you, too.</div>
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Contrary to how things may seem to the outsider, there IS a Method to the Madness. And it is VERY disturbing to put it mildly.</div>
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Narcissists are very patient. They take great care in honing the skills it takes to snag, keep and (eventually) discard supply when it no longer serves his/her needs. </div>
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So, how exactly does a narc "break" their victim? Here's a few of the sadistic, systematic ways:</div>
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<b>Fantasy vs Reality</b>: Narcissists are MASTERS at presenting a false self to the unsuspecting Supply. All the traits you have sought in a partner, or potential spouse, I guarantee you will find in the narc. Deep down they are void of any semblance of health and normalcy. Emotion? No, they don't feel it like you and I. Conscience? Nonexistent. Entitlement? Abundant. Remorse? Zilch. They are a mirror. They mimic. Especially when they see traits in you that trigger Envy in them. They present this false self to pull you in. Once you are secured, the cycle of abuse begins very subtly. </div>
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<b>Idealize, Devalue, and Discard: The Narc's Cyclical Relationship Trifecta</b>: </div>
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<b><u>Idealize</u></b>: Narc's like to swoon their supply in a whirlwind of affection, attention and compliments. They come on strong -- it's referred to as "Lovebombing.". Before you know it, you've been swooped up and placed on a beautiful pedestal designed just for you -- or so it seems. You can do NOTHING wrong in the eyes of your adoring partner. They brag on you to family, friends and strangers to the Nth Degree. He/she seems the Perfect partner. All is beautiful and right with the World.</div>
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<b><u>Devalue</u></b>: As quickly as you were crowned the Perfect One, the devaluing phase isn't nearly as swift, but it's close behind. Little by little the pedestal on which you've become so comfortable is chipped away with criticism, put-downs and silent treatment. Just when you think you've naturally met and exceeded your partner's standards, those standards change and they keep changing. You will NEVER measure up. Over time, as you are put and kept in your "place" through the narc's covert and overt abusive tactics, your sense of self and confidence are destabilized leaving you more and more void of YOU. </div>
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<b><u>Discard</u></b>: Just like a child with a new toy, once the newness wears off the toy is cast aside in favor of something newer and shinier -- this is the discard phase of the relationship. It is during this time that the narc starts scouting for new supply -- if he/she hasn't already. You are no longer fun. You have caught on to things that don't seem right and have exerted what strength you've left by asking questions you shouldn't, which only incur more abuse. Despite the narc's sense of entitlement to find new Supply, he/she will undoubtedly exhibit excessive jealousy and anger towards you. Please DO NOT mistake this for caring by any stretch of the imagination. The constant calls, text messages, Facebook stalking and surprise "visits"/chance "meetings" are intended to simply "keep track" of you -- an element commonly employed by narcs to ensure the paths of current and future Supply do not cross. Once the narc secures additional Supply -- You're Gone. Discarded. Forgotten. That is, until things do not work out with the new Supply -- in which case, the narc returns to Lovebomb you once again to convince you he/she made a mistake and you really are Soul Mates. And then the cycle begins AGAIN.</div>
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<b>Gaslighting</b>: Yeah, I've mentioned this one before but I cannot stress how important this element is to the narc's methodical, insidious breaking, reconditioning and ensured control of the new Supply. Most humans can only tolerate a certain amount of bullshit before they break. Narcs are Masters at taking that breaking point and twisting it to make the abused seem Nuts, Crazy, Unstable, etc... Framing the victim as unstable adds fodder to the stories and lies they've already started telling about you -- but more about this in a few. The Goal is to make you doubt yourself. Anything the narc can do to twist things to make you come undone, I Guarantee he/she WILL. </div>
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<b>Triangulation</b>: Again, another element I have talked about previously. Just know that the narc's methodical triangulation extends beyond to include people you may not even be aware of or know. My abuser was such a master he had EVERYONE fooled. And I mean EVERYONE. From family to complete strangers... How he kept all the different stories and lies straight is beyond me. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to have to keep up so many plot lines. </div>
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<b>Smear Campaign</b>: This is where it gets REALLY sadistic. Odds are, your abuser has been painting you as something you're not to others for quite some time. By the time you figure out what is going on he/she has already laid a firm foundation on which to present your "Crazy Ass" to the world. </div>
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You may be portrayed as Unstable, a Stalker, a Cheat, a Liar, a Thief, Crazy, Nuts, Bipolar, etc... The narc holds NOTHING back when painting a false you to his/her captivated audience. "Awww, you poor thing..." they say to him/her. If they only knew. It takes time for the narc's web to untangle... It may not happen when you exit Stage Left, but I promise you it WILL happen Eventually. There DOES come a time that all those who swallowed the stories and lies must Realize what they were fed WAS a bunch of Shit.</div>
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"Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill." </div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha </div>
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Near the end I was grabbing at tufts of grass, loose rocks, whatever I thought I could reach as I continued to tumble down to the bottom of the rabbit hole. </div>
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When I finally hit bottom, I landed HARD. <div>
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But it all finally started to make sense. There was a reason for all of it. That didn't make it any less painful to deal with or a less bitter pill to swallow -- but I could finally see there was a Method to the Madness. And I was no longer the trusting, open-hearted woman who initially took the tumble. </div>
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I was confused. I was hurt. I was heartbroken. I was shattered.</div>
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And he, well, he never stopped smiling. </div>
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<br /></div>
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But that's OK. I learned a valuable lesson. One that I will never forget. And despite all the pure Hell I went through, I learned to Forgive. Without forgiveness, I couldn't have made it this far. May he one day conquer his Demons. </div>
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<br /></div>
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"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."</div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha </div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-15528278844521684192016-03-18T12:45:00.003-07:002016-03-18T12:57:55.620-07:00Bitter Pill...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
Everyone says they want the Truth. Period.<br />
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But in many cases, sadly, as Jack Nicholson so impassionately yelled during the courtroom scene in the 1992 flick <i>A Few Good Men</i>, "You can't handle the truth!"<br />
<br />
I know I couldn't handle the Truth... At first.<br />
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How IS one supposed to come to terms with the bitter Truth that they're the victim of DV? After all, you genuinely believe your Love will conquer All. You are blind. You have been so isolated that the violence, whether it's verbal, emotional or physical, becomes the norm. It is expected. But, as odd as it sounds, when you're in the midst of the storm, you don't see it as violence.<br />
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"He only lashes out when I do something to piss him off," you might tell yourself. "If I can just get it right, he won't hurt me."<br />
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Well, guess what, it doesn't matter WHAT you say or do, your abuser will find SOME reason to continue to inflict cowardice acts of violence against you. And THAT is the Truth.<br />
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It makes the abuser feel in control. It gives him/her the power to continue playing his/her Game. For you, it's your life. But to him/her, it's a Game.<br />
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It wasn't until I was safely on the opposite shore that everything began to make sense. After months of gaslighting, triangulation and manipulation, I was lucky to trust my own gut about anything. And I mean ANYTHING.<br />
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My sense of self had been methodically eroded to the point that I wasn't even sure about who I was anymore. I was a shell. <br />
<br />
Seeing your situation for what it is can be a VERY bitter pill to swallow.<br />
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My abuser was a MASTER manipulator. Looking back, it is truly frightening how someone can lie so easily and have so many different masks that one wears depending on the situation and conversation.<br />
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The foundation of a narcissist's means for maintaining the advantage in this warped Game is communication. As long as the abuser can control the information coming in and out of the relationship -- and, YES, that includes controlling YOU -- how you speak, to whom, and about what -- then the independent circles remain in tact and none is the wiser.<br />
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Hell hath no fury like a narc who finds out you have spoken to someone about your relationship.<br />
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"What happens b/t us is no one's business but OURS," mine would always say. "It's a private matter."<br />
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Private my ass.<br />
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Soon as I rose from the Toxic waters of our 'relationship,' I stood on the shore gazing back and couldn't believe how many individuals he had confined in little bubbles dangling from his marionette strings.<br />
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Let's look at the ways by which a narcissist, a.k.a narc, controls communication both within and without the relationship, shall we? Then you can make up your own mind. Take the pill. Or don't.<br />
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First and foremost, UNDERSTAND THIS: Attempting to have a conversation with a narc can quickly resemble an endurance challenge. For the abuser, conversations aren't about listening or communicating, they're about WINNING and furthering their Agenda. When you attempt to confront your abuser about his/her lies, behaviors or anything else that seems wonky, odds are it will get flipped on you. In the end, you are left doubting yourself, doubting your own ability to distinguish fantasy from reality and wondering why you even attempted to get any semblance of understanding or answers from your abuser. You're left exhausted and no better off than you were before you said a word.<br />
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So, here are some common tactics used by the narc when "conversing":<br />
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<b><u>Upended Projection</u></b>: Before you even leave the starting line behind, your abuser will already have projected your doubts, concerns, etc... back onto you in order to make him- or herself look like the victim. Never for a minute believe you are dealing with a rational person who has a conscience or ability to feel emotions as you do. I promise you, you are coming from an alien place. The narc goes by a totally different set of rules than you. And that WILL NOT change.<br />
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<b><u>Shifting Blame</u></b>: It doesn't matter what you are trying to discuss, you will quickly find yourself on the backside of things shouldering the entirety of blame. The conversation quickly disintegrates as the narc goes on the offensive and verbally pummels you pointing out every fault, insecurity, and weakness you possess to make you feel responsible, hence, putting you on the defensive. Remember, NOTHING is the narc's fault. In his/her mind, he/she IS the ultimate victim.<br />
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<b><u>Veering Off Topic</u></b>: You may have approached the conversation talking about one thing, but before you know it, the narc has veered way off topic. Instead of concentrating on what YOU would like to discuss, the narc will take the conversation in another direction, shift the blame, and project leaving you on the defensive. It doesn't matter if you have hard evidence to support your concerns, the narc will veer off topic to regain control of the situation.<br />
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<b><u>Loud and Proud</u></b>: Odds are the narc may also adopt an indignant attitude that you even had the gall to speak to him/her about your concerns -- especially if you challenge him/her. The abuser will demonstrate an absurd amount of anger over this 'injustice,' raise his/her voice and become increasingly animated. If you continue to push, the situation is likely to become violent. To avoid further animosity, you wave the white flag. The abuser wins and is further empowered.<br />
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<b><u>Interruptions Abound</u></b>: Narcs are notorious interrupters -- especially when they are fighting to retain control of a conversation -- or, as they view it, confrontation. If you think the narc is even remotely interested in what you have to say, think again. The only time they are silent is when they're plotting. Narcs constantly interrupt in order to deflect and veer the conversation in a direction that favors THEM. It doesn't matter the situation or environment, there is ONE RULE: It is the Abuser's way or no way. No exceptions.<br />
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<b><u>Silence</u></b>: Commonly referred to as the Silent Treatment, this is a last-ditch effort by the narc to teach you a Lesson. A genuinely cruel form of mental abuse, the intended goal is to make you feel unwanted, unloved and unimportant. And it works. The last thing you want is for the person you love to cast you aside and refuse to speak to you. You're left wondering what you did wrong when, in fact, you have done NOTHING. And the real bitch of it is, 99.999999% of the time, the narc EXPECTS you to apologize for what YOU have done and, by god, you had better offer the apology exactly as he/she expects or you are right back at Square One.<br />
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I cannot say definitively, nor would I want to, that my abuser used each and every one of these tactics on others -- I can only speak to what I endured. But I CAN say that he had a story for Everyone and the role I played varied depending on who he talked to. For example:<br />
<br />
If it was potential supply, I was a stalker.<br />
If it was his mother, I was crazy.<br />
If it was his ex-wife, I was socially awkward and shy.<br />
If it was a "mutual" friend, I was the only one he ever truly Loved.<br />
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For me to even begin to fathom the web of deceit he had patiently woven was a HUGE pill for me to swallow. There isn't a chaser in the world that can take that aftertaste out of your mouth. It lingers and influences ALL aspects of your life... As far as I've come, I still taste hints of it.<br />
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Yeah, I sat there with my little glass of water in one hand and pill in the other for quite some time. <br />
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Eventually, I realized I hadn't the luxury of a choice b/c the situation was going to kill me one way or another.<br />
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I've always been an advocate for Truth no matter the circumstance. It is better to know the truth than prolong a lie that makes for unbearable heartache. The trick is garnering the strength to swallow that bitter pill. Then, finding the strength to move forward.<br />
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"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the Path." </div>
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~~ Gautama Buddha</div>
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In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-86621447173176439732016-03-15T13:38:00.003-07:002016-03-16T09:59:14.884-07:00Show's Over... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnZADyq77sylO4DNGVGiRQC9GPup_-hP0g8GNORIQfDjmCB49WwoOZsRm1mWbti5HCY4gSBUVkjaFc8IcsXIRWbY73boA3F8US_vNbLIw5LcIdthWsWGaF06muifbU8KrPYqP8_N1abdXx/s1600/bow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnZADyq77sylO4DNGVGiRQC9GPup_-hP0g8GNORIQfDjmCB49WwoOZsRm1mWbti5HCY4gSBUVkjaFc8IcsXIRWbY73boA3F8US_vNbLIw5LcIdthWsWGaF06muifbU8KrPYqP8_N1abdXx/s320/bow.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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"Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not...</div>
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... I know you're only sorry you got caught..."</div>
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~~ Rihanna "Take a Bow"</div>
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I can't count how many times I heard the "I'm sorry..." routine. </div>
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Foolishly, I bought it for the first few hundred times. Yeah, hundreds. That's what happens when you want so desperately to believe. The hardest part is coming to terms with the FACT that your efforts and love are for naught. </div>
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Abusers are masters when it comes to manipulating your emotions. They KNOW that you genuinely love and care for them and they take advantage it. The forgiveness you offer in the wake of their "heartfelt" apologies only helps fuel their continued misbehavior. They KNOW that, no matter what, you will keep forgiving them. They've left you with no choice -- or so you believe. If you keep giving, love harder, put forth more effort you WILL change them. It'll be OK. You will continue to be there for them to take advantage of and fall back on. But there MUST come a Final Curtain that falls. </div>
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Once they realize you're hand is on the rope to bring the curtain down, the Beast comes out. And they don't hesitate to pull out ALL the stops.</div>
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HOWEVER, before you work up the courage to reach for the rope to close the curtain, you have been victimized beyond belief by the abuser's multifaceted approach to break you. Subtle at first, the abuse becomes more methodical and insidious with each passing day. </div>
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Among the most popular tools in the abusers box:</div>
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<b>**GASLIGHTING</b>: Essentially, mental abuse. The abuser takes anything you say or do and spins it in such a way as to favor him/herself making them the victim and YOU the abuser. When used consistently over time, you begin to doubt your own sanity. Seriously. It fucks with your head HARD. </div>
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<b>**PROJECTION</b>: All the issues your abuser suffers with I guarantee will be projected on you at some point if they haven't already. If they have issues with lying, YOU are the liar. If they cheat, YOU are the cheater. If the abuser feels guilty about something, he/she WILL do their damnedest to make you feel like the lowest of the low -- and you haven't done a thing. </div>
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<b>**MANIPULATION AND COERCION</b>: Abusers are master manipulators across the board --- they MUST get their way or there's hell to pay. If you are insecure about ANYTHING they will use it to their advantage. For example, if you fear your partner may cheat, he/she may surround themselves with what they portray as "competition." You better behave, if you don't they want you to KNOW they have "options." And, as though it couldn't get more insidious, there's coercion. This happens when they ask for something and your initial response is, "No." They will continue to pester, nag, etc... until you FINALLY give in. At times, they may even use threats or violence to make you comply. </div>
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<b>**I'M THE VICTIM</b>: This tactic is firmly rooted in the abuser's belief that the World is out to get him/her. NOTHING is his/her fault. If they get pulled over for doing 60 mph in a 30 mph zone, the cop pulled him/her over b/c the cop is out to get him/her. Anything negative that happens to them is SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. Abusers shun responsibility like a snake sheds it's skin -- only MUCH faster. When they speak about past relationships, jobs, etc... that didn't work out the reason ALWAYS falls on a third party. Period. </div>
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<b>**TWISTY TIE</b>: OK, so this isn't a textbook term, but it's what I call it when the abuser takes their actions/comments that land them in hot water and twist it to make it YOUR fault somehow. Doesn't matter what it is. In the end, you end up apologizing for something you didn't even do. You're left with no choice but to apologize otherwise they WON'T let it go until they believe they've been relieved of their responsibility. </div>
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<b>**TRIANGULATION</b>: Whether it was with family, friends (his, not mine -- I wasn't allowed to have many and even those were the ones of which he "approved."), or strangers, this is one my abuser kept in his pocket. Essentially, the abuser is the messenger. The idea is to keep EVERYONE isolated in independent circles and then the abuser shuffles from one circle to the next delivering different messages to influence others' views of the victim or how they see the abuser. The communication can be through action or words. The goal is to create chaos and/or further the abuser's "agenda." Another aspect of this is the employment of Flying Monkeys -- those individuals who believe the abuser's stories/lies and act on his/her behalf. </div>
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<b>**RAGE (or as I call it, HULKING OUT)</b>: It doesn't matter what the trigger is, but the abuser flies into a rage. The abused is left bewildered and shocked as to what just happened. As a consequence, you find you are forced silent or to submit to whatever they say just to make the anger/rage/violence stop. </div>
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It took me quite a while to literally force myself to realize I'd been victimized by all the above tactics -- and then some. </div>
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Take, for example, his serial cheating. It was one of many rotting pieces of material on which our "relationship" was based. I didn't realize it when I began the relationship. Trust me, had I known I was dealing with damaged materials I would have walked away from the project completely. But, at first, he was good with coating over the holes and bad spots with (at the time) believable bullshit and secrecy. </div>
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Come to find out, I was one of many, many women. And, sadly, we had each been led to believe we were the only one. So what happens when you think you're in a monogamous relationship, you act like it, yes? You call. You text. You expect to spend time together. Unbeknownst to me, I was made out to be the stalker. (Projection at work here.) And when he would get caught with another woman, it was one of four staple excuses:</div>
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** I was stupid. I had a moment of weakness. </div>
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** "Well, if you would do your job I wouldn't have to go elsewhere."</div>
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** "She's just a friend."</div>
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**"It wasn't me. You are mistaken." (My personal favorite **sarcasm**)</div>
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When I finally figured out what was going on, I did something my abuser wasn't anticipating. I popped every last circle with which he'd surrounded himself. Well, actually "I" didn't pop them alone. There became too much "cross contamination" and those who had been confined to their own circles began to see the same cracks I was seeing. Once communication opened b/t the circles it was Game Over. And the mask was ripped off. </div>
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At this point the Beast will come unleashed OR it will find new supply (victims) to exploit b/c this scene is no longer fun. He/she isn't getting the expected applause to which he/she is accustomed. </div>
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There comes a point when "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it anymore. A reasonable person will apologize for wrong-doing and not repeat said action. When you're dealing with a narcissist the opposite is true. Yeah, they apologize. But the apology is not only hollow, it is coupled with one of the above tools. No exception. Then the responsibility falls on YOU. Are you going to continue to put up with the drama and deceit, or will you exit Stage Left? </div>
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I chose to exit Stage Left. I admit I watched from backstage for a few minutes to see how the act would end. True to form it was the same sorry routine, His begging for me to return to center stage -- it was my "Place." When I refused, the script turned to heckling, threats, etc... It took all I had not to run back to center stage just to make it stop. Then something miraculous happened. </div>
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Well, not necessarily miraculous -- it was no different from what he'd been doing for many months -- he chose a volunteer from the audience to take my place. New supply. </div>
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It was at that point the show was over. I pulled the rope and down went the curtain. And I walked away. </div>
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Mentally, I still walk past that theatre every now and again. Not to reminisce. But to remind myself about why I left. </div>
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It is sad how traumatic such a relationship can become. The scars you carry aren't always visible. And, believe me, you carry them. It affects ALL your relationships. There are now issues with Trust, Self-Doubt and Self-Esteem (all from prolonged exposure to the narc's toxic Triangulation, Gaslighting AND Twisty Tying). </div>
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I am a firm believer that narcs should be forced to come with a disclaimer, "I am dangerous to your well-being. I AM TOXIC." </div>
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But, alas, in its essence that would be wrong.</div>
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I pray that if you are still going through the motions of a tired script and dated show, may you exit the Stage soon and find your way to Truth, Light and Love. It takes time to recondition yourself. But it can be done. Truly. I know. I'm still in the process. </div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Namaste <3 </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-59938736886182443082016-03-13T10:01:00.006-07:002016-03-13T10:23:46.127-07:00It's a Bitch... <br />
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The past couple of days I've been meditating on Addiction. Sounds strange, I know.<br />
<br />
Brian and I had more in common these past few years than I realized.<br />
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Whether your addiction is to drugs/substance, a person or a relationship... It is still an addiction.<br />
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My addiction was thinking I could change the unchangeable. I was addicted to an illusion. A situation that had no hope. But me, being the stubborn, trusting person I was, I thought I could make a difference.<br />
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The first question I get from many people, as do other Survivors, is "Why did you stay?". Well, the answer isn't so simple as, "I stayed b/c..." There are many reasons DV victims stay in their situation. No matter what reason one gives, the bottom line is fear. Fear of not being able to make it on one's own. Fear of what their partner may do if they try to leave. Fear of the repercussions if they do leave. Fear of what the future holds.<br />
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Personally, my addiction was thinking I could change him. I stayed b/c I thought if I could just love harder, work harder, give more and he would change. He would see the problem and make a genuine effort to fix it. Alas, that was not the case.<br />
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It is easy to get addicted to the high of intermittent approval. Little gestures of "appreciation," like token gifts, a kiss from nowhere, a smile, a 'good' day. But those are simply methods to keep you in the situation. The bottom line is, the relationship is an illusion based on control and manipulation.<br />
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I've oftentimes wanted so strongly to believe that he meant it when he said he loved me. But you don't destroy, lie to or cheat on those you love.<br />
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An apt Johnny Depp quote comes to mind,<br />
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"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."</div>
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In my case (I found out -- er, it was confirmed after the fact), there was a second, third, fourth, fifth, and on and on... There were more women than I had imagined. And sadly, few knew about the others. And the ones who DID know didn't care b/c of all the lies and stories they'd been told. I was the stalker. I was the one who couldn't let go. And I'm sure the same was said of the countless others who had been left in the dark thinking they were the only one and who had acted accordingly.<br />
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But as I said in my previous post, when everything is held together with lies, it falls apart at the seams VERY quickly.<br />
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Like Brian, I had an addiction. I was addicted to the illusion, or ideal -- if you will, of who I thought he was and what I thought we had. But when the mask dropped, I realized it wasn't real. And when it all came undone, he accused ME of being the toxic one. The cheater. The liar. The thief. Blah blah blah... I knew then it was time to go.<br />
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It is easy to get caught up. The adage that addiction is rooted in pain is TRUE. Realizing everything was a lie shook me to my core. It was like my heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped on before my eyes.<br />
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But once you realize you have a problem (not to sound cliche) it is essential to come to terms with it and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I refused to stay in a violent situation that was detrimental to my well-being. And as much as it hurt, I fought through the second thoughts, the temptation to make contact. And with time, all those urges faded. And the pain I'd endured the previous 2+ years began to ease.<br />
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As I sit here today, the pain is STILL real. It still aches from time to time. I still mourn. But I know that onward and upward is the only way to go.<br />
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I know Brian went through similar trials. Wanting to quit. Wanting to get sober. But the temptation to return to old habits was too great. Especially, when everywhere he turned he saw things through the haze of his addiction.<br />
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Sadly, the difference is obvious. I escaped, am still dealing with, and am actively using my experience to help make positive change for others struggling with the same demons I battled while in my situation. Brian's killed him. As much as I hate to say it, I fear that had I not gotten out when I did, mine would have killed me, too.<br />
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Last fall, I began working with the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It took me a couple of years to work up the courage to admit the reality of what I had been through and to realize it was NOT my fault. I have since worked with other organizations, speaking and writing articles about my experience. Doing my best to try and educate women AND men about DV.<br />
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Time DOES heal. But I would be lying if I said that there aren't times when revisiting those wounds doesn't trigger me. Each and every day, I still do battle with PTSD and anxiety... All of which is rooted in the trauma I endured.<br />
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Grieving is a process, as we all know. There are stages. And YES I have gone through the anger stage while processing Brian's death. While processing the situation I left. A part of me is mad as hell about Brian's death. Livid about the hell I endured. Just PISSED all around about ALL of it.<br />
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It took many months of therapy to help me process what I'd been through. And I learned that anger is healthy. You have to feel your anger. You have to process it. And you have to let it go. That doesn't mean it won't raise its ugly head (oftentimes at the most inopportune moments), but you learn to cope in a healthy way.<br />
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Each day I take a few minutes to meditate on and send positive vibes out to those who are struggling in a DV relationship. To those struggling with addiction. To those who are suffering. I also do the same for my former abuser. Like Brian, he struggled with his own addictions... And there were many.<br />
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I pray that one day those who are struggling find the strength to face down their demons. To have the wherewithal and clarity to say, "I need help," and MEAN IT. And to have the support system that is so essential to recovery. Uttering the words, "I need help" is one thing. You have to mean it and follow through. Otherwise, it's just words. And you MUST follow through with action. Otherwise, it is meaningless.<br />
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Judging someone on their past actions is wrong. We ALL make mistakes. Holding said actions against them isn't any better. AGAIN, we ALL make mistakes. BUT when those actions CONTINUE to repeat themselves (especially when veiled in lies) it is time to step away because the person has made a conscious DECISION. And when it becomes toxic to you and your well-being you need to separate yourself. Toxicity of that nature is like fleas... The fuckers jump. And whether you like it or not, you WILL begin to suffer alongside the person who is making the CHOICE to continue down a bad road.<br />
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As the Buddha once said,<br />
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"If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone. There is no companionship with the immature."</div>
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I wish there had been some way that I could have had the opportunity to use what I have learned thus far to help save Brian. But, he made the choices he made for a reason. I wish he had been able to separate himself from his drug buddies... The same ones who left him ALONE to die b/c they were selfish chicken shit cowards. (Yeah, there's anger in that comment. And YES it is intentional.)<br />
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My mantra lately: Brian is finally at Peace. I keep reminding myself. He's feeling no pain. His struggle is over. He IS with me. He's in my heart. His addiction may have won, but it's now up to me to carry on and make sure he didn't die in vain. <br />
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"And when I'm gone just carry on don't mourn...</div>
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... just know that,</div>
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...I'm lookin' down on you smilin',</div>
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And I didn't feel a thing so baby, don't feel no pain, just smile back..."</div>
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~~ Eminem "When I'm Gone"</div>
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In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-71804750380000448872016-03-11T08:33:00.003-08:002016-03-11T09:57:47.943-08:00Hiatus... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My apologies for a few days' hiatus... </div>
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If there is one lesson DV recovery teaches you, it's that self care is of the utmost importance. </div>
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Last Friday, I lost my cousin, Brian, to heroin overdose. He was 37. He was a son. A brother. A father. A friend. A human being. A precious Soul. Even though he's only been gone less than a week (I was notified around 6 pm... He was found ALONE @ 5 pm) it all STILL seems surreal. He DID NOT deserve to die... not like that. </div>
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I have spent the last week trying to heal and come to terms with this tragedy; one that I know affects millions of families... Our family is not special. But as far as I'm concerned, Brian WAS special. Yes, he had issues. Yes, he was an addict. He needed help. But like so many addicts I'm sure he thought he could outrun his demons... And when he found he hadn't the stamina or ability to do so in a healthy manner, he ended up chasing (technically, shooting it; although "chasing" is often the term used to describe the addict's quest to recapture that First High) the dragon.</div>
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And it killed him.</div>
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Similar to trying to overcome addiction, dealing with the trauma, rebuilding your life, rebuilding relationships, and finding a new normal following a DV relationship takes stamina. It takes guts. It takes determination. It takes strength. </div>
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You think, "I got this." And when you realize you don't, you aren't sure where to turn. </div>
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Odds are, your abuser sufficiently cut you off from friends and family and, to add insult to injury, told enough stories and lies to make you out to be the bad one that you feel (felt) helpless as to where to turn. Yeah, the world may buy the abuser's stories and lies for so long, but you know what? It doesn't last. </div>
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Everything that is held together with lies comes apart at the seams VERY quickly. I promise you this.</div>
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The key is to find healthy resources to help you regain your balance. Regain your stability. Reach out to friends and family. Reach out to agencies and organizations that specialize in DV situations. And above all, keep yourself SAFE.</div>
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Once you learn to ground yourself (and stay grounded) those triggers that once left you panicked and a complete wreck sway you no more than a passing gust of wind. </div>
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I am still learning. I still don't have all my shit together and I'll be the first to admit it. Sincerely. But, I DO know where I am. I am WELL AWARE of where I've been. And I know where I AM going. I also know, I am a SURVIVOR. </div>
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And though Brian wasn't able to survive his addiction, he is no longer in pain. He isn't running from the demons that chased him for so long. He has finally found Peace. And he is with me. </div>
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Just as my DV experience taught me many lessons I've gone on to use to help others, this loss too shall be what propels me forward to be a voice for CHANGE. I wasn't able to save him, but I AM able to try to make a difference somehow, somewhere for someone. </div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglFl5ZhyphenhyphenVDwUmvvUBBZ7N-jQQyDxebJREihIdqMWybNP7tl6eNE_UJatAi7WCQod8ZDFFpgHPC1EjNH1hd_UFNgmFaZyun2MgclZGVAuqVdazow5TexYzIOoABpwnR1wz3csS7AFKj1fs6/s1600/brian.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglFl5ZhyphenhyphenVDwUmvvUBBZ7N-jQQyDxebJREihIdqMWybNP7tl6eNE_UJatAi7WCQod8ZDFFpgHPC1EjNH1hd_UFNgmFaZyun2MgclZGVAuqVdazow5TexYzIOoABpwnR1wz3csS7AFKj1fs6/s320/brian.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-9916160286895793942016-03-06T15:35:00.001-08:002016-03-16T10:12:54.511-07:00Calm Abiding...When I first discovered Buddhism one aspect that really piqued my interest was Samatha -- single-pointed meditation intended to nurture Calm Abiding.<br />
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After years of living in a heightened sense of Fight or Flight to even think I would be able to reach even a pinch of a remote level of Calm Abiding seemed nearly impossible. While focusing my attention my Monkey Mind kept leaping from one branch of thought to the next trying to figure out Buddhism's stance on DV.<br />
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To spare myself the trauma of leaving myself open to the uninformed opinions and suggestions from those unfamiliar with DV I went in search of answers on my own.<br />
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New to the Buddhist path, I was thrilled to uncover several papers, studies and lectures on the subject. And the content of what I found certainly opened my eyes.<br />
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Here's a brief breakdown:<br />
<b>Psychological abuse</b> (including, but not limited to): intimidation, humiliation, putdowns, threats, etc... are all considered misconduct in the Buddhist tradition. Essentially, they're "mental violence" and go against the Fourth Precept of falsehood -- wrong/harmful speech.<br />
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<b>Physical abuse</b> (including, but not limited to): biting, slapping, choking/throttling, slapping, etc... These again are considered wrong and a violation of the First Precept of nonharming (ahimsa).<br />
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I was, unfortunately, familiar with a few of these. But what really made my jaw drop were the examples of sexual misconduct/abuse.<br />
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<b>Sexual abuse </b>(including, but not limited to): sexual humiliation, refusing to use contraceptives, coerced sexual acts, etc... These acts violate the Third Precept that speaks against sexual misconduct, harassment, violence.<br />
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Contrary to what he wanted me to believe such acts were NOT normal in a healthy relationship. These acts were a means of Control. Control that he seized methodically piece by piece over a long period of time.<br />
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Now, for those who have followed the Buddhist path for a longer period of time, these points are no surprise. But, like I said, I was still relatively new on my journey and needed explanations, Help. To try and make sense of the hell I'd endured.<br />
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His excuse was always that if I would just do my "job" or "behave" the bad shit wouldn't happen. Looking back I see those "justifications" as lame-ass excuses for cowardice acts. NOTHING gives someone the right to treat another as less than human.<br />
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With time, meditation has helped lead me to that space of Calm Abiding. I have noticed a sudden shift -- things which would have previously rocked me to my core now hit me as light rain drops.<br />
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Feeling more grounded has helped me to look back at my experience, sit with the feelings of hurt and anger. Get to know them. See them for what they are. And let them go. That doesn't mean that they don't return every now and again, but I no longer invite them in for tea and a long chat of painful rehashing.<br />
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Being more mindful has also helped me to manage my triggers and anxiety. PTSD is a bitch. It takes time, But you CAN learn to cope. It doesn't make them go away. When the loud noises, nightmares/terrors, flashbacks, avoidance, sights and sounds thrust you into Fight or Flight you learn to Stay and breathe. It is painful. Sometimes it is downright paralyzing. But you finally get to a place where you recognize the triggers for what they are --- triggers.<br />
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There isn't a day that goes by that I don't offer prayers and positive vibes to my former abuser. Praying that he one day has the strength to confront his demons, to make amends to those whom he has harmed, and to have the fortitude to not intentionally harm anyone else again. To love himself. And others. To see this Gift of life for what it is and not squander it. And to realize Cause and Effect are real. That which we give out DOES come back. Maybe not immediately, but we all have Karmic debt we must pay.<br />
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His Holiness the Dalai Lama was once asked what he would do if he was ever attacked. His answer: Run away. And it is true. Running away is not being weak, it is a matter of self preservation. Violence achieves NOTHING. It may give you relief in the short-term, but you must think of the long-term. And have enough respect for yourself to not jeopardize who you are and what you're meant to do while on this Journey.<br />
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You DO NOT have to stay in a toxic situation. But, believe me, when in the belly of the Beast you don't believe you have that option. But you DO.<br />
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It is OK to flee the toxic situation. Then when you are safely on the opposite shore out of harm's way (and only then) is it OK to stop, turn around and offer compassion.<br />
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I am the first to admit I STILL have days where I get VERY angry about how he harmed me. The emotional, psychological and physical pain and the effects of which that I deal with to this day. How he stole the faith and trust I had in others for so long. But I sit with that hurt and pain. I work through it. I may cry while doing so, but I still watch it, feel it, and hear it out and then smile. Yes, smile.<br />
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As much as all that hurt sucks, it is no longer a danger to me. I carry the scars that no one can see. But it has made me who I am today. It has helped me to find my faith... again. But stronger. It has made me reevaluate myself, find myself and come back braver, more confident, courageous and loving than before. And for all that I thank him.<br />
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You may think I am crazy for what I've written here. And that's OK. I don't expect you to understand. But for those who read this and connect with what I am saying, I say, "Namaste."<br />
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In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-15215867955094554522016-03-03T08:40:00.001-08:002016-03-16T10:13:18.543-07:00Viewer Discretion Advised... The 19th century playwright Oscar Wilde once wrote, "The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame."<br />
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And the same holds true today... in the digital.<br />
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In 2010 when Eminem's video for <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U">"Love the Way You Lie"</a> was released, I'm sure many of you recall the outrage the ensued. I admit, the first time I watched it, it struck a nerve with me. I wasn't in a DV situation at the time, little did I know I would be. But it was Powerful.<br />
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A little more than a year later when I found myself in the midst of my own storm, the song took on a whole new meaning.<br />
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DV is not an easy topic to talk about. I get that. It is downright painful, especially for the Survivors. BUT DV is prevalent in our society whether we like it or not... Whether we talk about it or not. And it is time to TALK.<br />
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The storm clouds don't gather overnight. It is a process. A methodical, insidious process.<br />
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As Wilde alluded, those things that show humanity its flaws/sins are shunned and called out for their "filth," "violence," "blasphemy," etc.... But I DO NOT believe accurate portrayals of DV, like Eminem's song/video should be ignored, boycotted or avoided. We as a society need to stand up and call the Beast by its name.<br />
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** Eminem hasn't been the only one to speak out, but due to the graphic nature of his approach he was called out. Other artists like Eve ("Love Is Blind"), Til Tuesday ("Voices Carry"), Suzanne Vega ("Luka") and Pearl Jam ("Rearviewmirror") to name a few have broached the subject with a little less push back.**<br />
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I remember listening to a talking head on one of the major news stations literally going OFF about the video. She said, (I'm paraphrasing here) "He sings, and I quote, 'If she ever tries to fucking leave again I'm gonna tie her ass to the bed and set this house on fire..." She was appalled that our Youth was listening to such Violent lyrics. "That is music? That is art?" Totally indignant. What gives him the right to rap such things? IT'S REALITY. That is what gave him the right, Lady.<br />
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DV is the taboo subject we thrust under the rug. And it's time to rip up that rug. We think nothing of it when junior asks for the latest shoot-em-up video game, listens to violent music or consumes other forms of violence on television and in movies. After all, violence (like sex) sells. Society has no qualms about it. But why such outrage when society is shown its own Shame when it comes to DV and its lack of willingness to seriously address it?<br />
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"People say it's best to go your separate ways... guess they don't know you..." Yeah, it is easy for the outsider to offer their opinion... especially when they've never been in the depths of the abyss.<br />
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Statistically speaking, it takes a DV victim SEVEN attempts to leave. SEVEN. So, despite those who freely comment on DV and voice their adamant opinions (which they have every right to do, I just wish they were better informed before passing judgment) it isn't so easy as to simply walk away.<br />
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The moment a woman (or man) leaves -- and for several months (and sometimes years) following -- is the MOST DANGEROUS time. The abuser then knows he (or she) has lost control and will do whatever it takes to get the other back. The best hope a Survivor has is that his/her abuser finds new supply or something else to attract his/her obsessive attention.<br />
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I admit that after I left and started rebuilding my life and myself, I couldn't watch the video for quite some time. The song echoed in my head off and on... I was trying to make sense of what happened. How the hell did I end up there?<br />
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You've heard the saying the best way to get over your fear is to confront it, yes? Well, that is the logic I followed.<br />
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So one day, I faced down what had haunted me for so long and confronted the Reality and watched it again for the first time. When I did, the tears streamed down. My heart ached not only for my own experience, but for the millions of those still caught in the midst of the abyss.<br />
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For those who scoff at the "simplicity" of a Choice to watch or not to watch a video, I don't expect you to understand. And if you don't, that is OK. Just please try to refrain from passing judgment on something about which you have no experience.<br />
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I can't count the hundreds of promises my abuser said that he would never lie again. He would never put hands on me again. He would never cheat again. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but I was his world and he would never act that way again. I would later learn that is called the Honeymoon period. They win you back and things are great for a while, until you step out of line again. Then the Beast rears its ugly head and the cycle of violence begins again.<br />
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When Rihanna sings, "just gonna stand there and hear me cry..." that IS what they do. I still have flashbacks to the countless times when I would be sobbing in front of him begging him to change. Each time he would apologize saying he didn't know why he did the things he did.<br />
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The Detroit rapper says, "I apologize even though I know it's lies..."<br />
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And, as ironic as it sounds, that is the Truth. It's lies. What my abuser said were lies.<br />
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Wilde was onto something. I firmly believe he would be one of the loudest voices speaking out on behalf of those suffering DV. Calling for a SERIOUS discussion about how to put a stop to one of Society's most taboo topics that shows the world its Shame. And if no one would listen, I would like to think he would be a booming Voice putting pen to paper writing a work (or even going digital w/video or blog) that would make Eminem (and other artists' works) look tame.<br />
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In Peace and Love,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-27073237551790372492016-02-26T22:07:00.001-08:002016-02-26T22:18:03.352-08:00Finding my Path...<div>
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It has been one year since I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and anxiety disorder.<br />
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I am still learning to manage my triggers. I am still finding out new things about myself I never knew. and I'm still learning to manage the anxiety. But it is a process. And I'm getting better... Slowly. </div>
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(I have been blessed with a tremendous support system. And for that I will be eternally grateful.)<br />
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This isn't uncommon for DV survivors. Statistically speaking, it is my understanding that it is nearly impossible for anyone who crosses paths with a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to escape unscathed. Especially when that person is their abuser and they're involved for a lengthy period of time -- not counting the numerous times they attempt to leave. </div>
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In my case, the damage was severe. </div>
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For the longest time I didn't understand what was wrong with me. The nightmares. The flashbacks. The anxiety. The general dis-ease. Something was NOT RIGHT. And when I finally left it got 10x worse. Until he found new supply. </div>
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While in the midst of the storm, Pavlov's Dogs had nothing on me. </div>
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A single txt or call and I was right there to answer for fear of what the repercussions would be if I didn't. I lived in fear. Fear of what he would say. Fear of what he would do. Fear of what he would tell others. He WAS my boogeyman.</div>
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Balance that with the tidbits of approval I would get for behaving. The simple kiss. The 'thank you' for the kind things I still found myself doing for a person who clearly didn't care whether I was there or not. I thought I could change him. I thought I could make it all better. After all, he "loved" me. </div>
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Unfortunately, I was a pawn in a demented game. I was his recreation. But those little acts of kindness were all I needed to feel validated... that what I was doing mattered. </div>
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Come to find out, he had many people convinced I was the problem. And they believed him for a while, That's the Narc's game. But it wouldn't last long. Things fall apart quite easily when they're held together with lies. </div>
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<b>How It All Began... </b></div>
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In the beginning, he was all I thought I wanted. In actuality, he mimicked all he thought I wanted. He played the part well and certainly deserves an Oscar for that performance. It won me over. </div>
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Then the wheels began to fall off... lug nut by lug nut... screw by screw... wheel by wheel... </div>
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It was not unusual to receive 50+ txt messages and MULTIPLE phone calls throughout the day to check to see what I was doing -- and that was on a GOOD day. Sadly, that became my norm. Bad days, Lord help me. At one point, I received 60+ phone calls and hundreds of txt messages in a single day... Calling me every name in the unholy Book of Profanity... Would be nothing to get a "Fuck You" followed a few hours later by "I'm sorry, Baby I'm just having a bad day. I didn't mean to take it out on you, please forgive me." Then a few hours later when I didn't respond to a txt quickly enough it was another "Fuck You... Answer your goddamn phone!"... I'd scramble to call and beg forgiveness only to get a barrage of how I didn't care, I was a worthless piece of shit. And this tirade was all my fault. If I would just do what I was supposed to he wouldn't have to act like this. Blah Blah Blah.... </div>
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That was when I was attempting to leave the first time. I tried to act as though life was OK. Once again, I would adamantly say, "I've got this." Clearly, I didn't.</div>
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Then the Honeymoon phase would hit and the cycle would start again.</div>
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For whatever reason, I still desperately wanted to believe he did love me and if I could just do what was expected he wouldn't lash out. Oh, how silly I was. Actually, the term Dumbass comes to mind. </div>
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He successfully isolated me from friends and family. Working was a chore -- juggling working with being on-call to answer any txt or call that came through. He had me convinced that was how it was when you were in a relationship. He was to be the center of my world, and I likewise his. What he failed to mention were all the other relationships he had on the side. The dealings under the table. The illicit activities that he knew I wouldn't approve of, but was none the wiser b/c he was a Master manipulator that kept all interested parties in separate circles. Little did he realize, I had caught on to his game. I was just unsure how to handle it b/c I knew what would happen if I dared to question.</div>
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What he didn't count on was my growing strong enough to blow all those separate circles to bits. </div>
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It was then the mask began to slip. And once I glimpsed the void beneath I grabbed hold and tore it from his mocking face. I knew it was all an illusion. It was all lies. Talk about pissed. Talk about feeling foolish. </div>
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When I would question him about all the "rumors" I was hearing, everyone was LYING. Everyone was out to get him. I should give him the "benefit of the doubt." After all, I should trust him. Period. The worst thing you can do to a man who is trying to better himself is remind him of his past, he would say. That is all fine and good if he is making honest attempts to become a better person, but when those mistakes keep repeating they become a Choices. To hear him tell it, Everyone was out to get him. Including me, for believing them. </div>
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<b>What now... </b></div>
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One thing those who are unfamiliar with DV need to understand is DV does NOT happen overnight. </div>
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It is methodical. It starts with jabs to make you question the little things... your looks, your abilities, your talents, your relationships. And it escalates from there. But when you are in the midst, you don't see it as such. You think, well this person cares. He's just trying to help me better myself. He is pointing out what I should fix to become the best version of me. WRONG. It is designed to make you the best version of you that the abuser can CONTROL.</div>
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By the time I realized what a world of shit I was in, my self-confidence and self-love were nearly nonexistent. Looking back, I still want to kick my own ass for ever believing. </div>
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It wasn't until the physical assaults began that I knew I had clearly dropped This. I needed help.</div>
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As I clutched the rope extended to me by a beloved friend, the ensuing months were a roller coaster of self-doubt tempered with glimpses of normalcy and realizations about what I needed to do to get out to survive. I needed to distance myself. I needed to risk the danger that may be inevitable. But anywhere was better than where I was.</div>
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My abuser made me own everything I "DID." I will be the first to admit I quickly came to his defense. Had I not spoken up, he wouldn't have hurt me. Had I held up for him, he wouldn't have hurt me. Had I done my JOB, he wouldn't have cheated on me. Had I upheld his lies and had his back he wouldn't have lashed out so violently. </div>
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<b>How I found my Path...</b></div>
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I was baptized Methodist when I was young. It was at the request of my Dad who passed away shortly after my baptism. It was the one thing he wanted to see before he passed. But I always stumbled with the excuses and dismissive attitudes that, "The devil made me do it..." or "We are imperfect creatures who were born into a world of sin..." I was looking for personal accountability. And I simply didn't find it there. That doesn't mean I don't respect that faith, I do. But it simply isn't a fit for me. I don't feel comfortable there. </div>
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As I clawed my way from the depths of this hell I'd called home for so long, I knew there had to be something more.</div>
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It was at this point that I found Buddhism.</div>
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When I entered therapy and began to delve into the depths of my situation -- my therapist clearly called it abuse, I felt like I'd been hit by a VERY fast-moving heavy thing that didn't bother to stop and even had the gall to back up and run over me a second and third time before speeding off. So if any of you happen to get the license plate of that son-of-a-bitch lemme know, k? I want to buy him a beer. </div>
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My therapist made me see the Truth. I realized that it wasn't me. I didn't deserve to be demeaned. I didn't deserve to be humiliated in public. I didn't deserve to be called names. I didn't deserve to be struck. I didn't deserve to be raped. I didn't deserve to be throttled. </div>
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I have a choice. I have a voice. And I have a right to be treated as a human being. And above All, I have the power to change my situation. </div>
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I'm not ready for the monastic life, but I am open about my faith now... to a degree.</div>
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If there is one thing that my studies have taught me thus far is that we are ALL responsible for our actions. There is no, "Oh, the devil made me do it..." or "Oh, I was born imperfect..." Yes, you were. HOWEVER, that does NOT give you the right to demean, abuse or harm another living creature. PERIOD. And saying one Hail Mary or Father Forgive Me and then going back to being an abusive asshole doesn't cut it. Sorry. </div>
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For those who are in the midst of the storm or trying to escape the abyss PLEASE HEAR ME. This is NOT your fault!!! You did NOTHING to deserve to be ABUSED. </div>
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It has taken many a late night... Many a long afternoon of meditating and pondering my situation. And, yes, though I am out, there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't cross my mind. And that is not pining over what was lost. It is praying and sending good vibes his way that he may one day find peace. That he may not harm another living soul... EVER. </div>
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I am still learning, but I firmly believe Happiness comes from within. And meditation has worked wonders for me to find that calm grounding that is essential to really get to know the inner self we all try so desperately to avoid. It can be downright painful when you take a good look and spend some quality time with those parts of you that are anything but pixie dust, sunshine and lollipops. It fucking hurts sometimes. But we have to learn to sit with that pain. Get to know it. And in doing so we learn way more about ourselves than we ever imagined. Believe me. It's true. But on the flipside, you will be better for it in the end. </div>
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And learning to ground and stay calm and in the moment has helped me beyond words when it comes to managing my anxiety. It calms the 'what ifs' and worry about the future should I ever cross paths with my abuser again. Can't say I have my shit together, but I am fairly confident I am a helluva lot stronger than he remembers or could ever give me credit to be. And for that I am blessed and thankful. </div>
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For the first time in many years, I can say, "I've got This" and it's not uttered in arrogance, but from a place of calm abiding and faith that I've nothing to fear. </div>
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I do hold him completely accountable for what he did to me. But I also firmly believe that the actions, words and thoughts we put out come back to us in one form or another. I know that wherever he is, he has plenty of time to think and reflect over what happened. I know that somewhere deep down he MIGHT be sorry for the hell he put me through. But I also realize it is on him to make amends with himself and do differently in his actions and words to counteract the bad shit he put out in the Universe. </div>
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For my part, I have to forgive. I have to be able to move forward without the albatross of his abuse hanging about my neck. And I am content with that.</div>
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Thankfully, my friends and family are aware of where I am right now in my recovery. Yeah, I have quirks. Yeah, I have to sit facing the door when I'm in public. I have to know where all exits are at all times. Yeah, I have an exaggerated startle response. Yeah, I still have nightmares. Yeah, I still space out every now and again and may have a panic attack or two or three or four... </div>
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But you know what? I am HEALING. I am MOVING FORWARD. And whatever I can do to help others I will do my damnedest to do so. Sporting my cracked Disney Glasses and all. </div>
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If I can help another to find the light and love I've been blessed to find I will. </div>
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Just b/c someone is toxic to you does NOT mean you must hate them or wish them ill. In fact, the absolute BEST thing you can do, that I've found, is to forgive them, show them compassion (from a distance) and send them love and positive vibes. </div>
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They have their own battles cut out for them. Being negative only detracts from your peace of mind. </div>
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Just please reach out for help if you need it. Be safe. Have a plan. And have a support system.</div>
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Take care of yourself. Healing starts from within. </div>
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I am still relearning so many things... From the basics of how healthy relationships are supposed to work to knowing it is OK to put myself first when it comes to healing, healthy boundaries, and self-care.</div>
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I've said it before and I will continue to say it for eternity. You ARE Beautiful! You are worthy of Love, Respect and Happiness. And if anyone tries to tell you differently, they're full of shit. Sorry, but it's true. </div>
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Take care of YOU. </div>
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In Peace and Love,</div>
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Namaste <3</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8928863432287948250.post-61417887049631431822016-02-25T11:56:00.002-08:002016-02-25T13:11:27.173-08:00Carpe de Blog...So why blog now? I honestly don't have an answer for that. I could say it's b/c 42 is creeping up quickly and I'm running out of time... But that's a lame-ass excuse. There's no better time than Now.<br />
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Carpe de Blog, eh? <br />
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I've often been told that when you are able to recount your story without crying then you are on your way to healing. And I believe that is Truth. I have my moments, but overall I have come a very long way over the past year.<br />
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Yeah, damn right. I AM proud of me.<br />
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I want to make it clear that I am by no means attempting to persuade or push my viewpoints on anyone. Those who know me will attest that I am truly open-hearted (to a fault, I would argue) and have a low tolerance for any negativity. Whatever your Faith, I truly believe we are all connected. We are one. And we are certainly barreling through the Universe on this Rock together. No man is an island.<br />
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There's nothing that makes my story any different from yours. We all have our trials. We all have tests -- many we don't get the opportunity to study for and some we do. For those exams we fail, we inevitably suffer the consequences. But we learn. And we move forward. There is no other option.<br />
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This blog is intended to be my vehicle for moving forward. And hopefully help others along the way.<br />
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I once owned some Disney Glasses -- you know, the Rose Tinted ones that look really groovy with any outfit. (Yeah, those. The ones with the John Lennon-inspired frames.) That is, until they were metaphorically snatched from my face by an infuriated fist and shattered to pieces with a single hard stomp and repeated blows meant to ensure they could never be pieced together again. But to the dismay of the perpetrator, I've patiently and gently gathered nearly all the pieces -- even the tiniest shimmering specks -- and I glued them back together. (I am STILL finding fragments here and there that I delicately glue back into place.) Now I own a pair with tilted frames that, like myself, are imperfect but try their damnedest to fulfill their intended purpose. And though they're full of cracks and divots they still allow me to see the World as I once did -- only with different perspectives depending on how I tilt my head lol.<br />
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Looking back, I thank him. But more importantly, I forgive him.<br />
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All the rage and energy methodically used to snatch away my innocence was meant to break me. But it didn't. It made me stronger -- but not without first hurling me to the deepest depths of a hell that even Lovecraft or Dante couldn't have fathomed.<br />
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It's just a shame I wasn't able to pack first. I mean, really. Had I known, I would have made sure my self-confidence and self-love were gently cradled in industrial strength bubble wrap and packaged so they could survive the savage beating they'd endure. (Of course, those should ideally be intact before packing... but that's another thread for another time.)<br />
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But I am NOT special. I am one of millions of men and women who are either in the depths of the abyss, clawing frantically to escape the storm, or have successfully escaped only to find they were stronger than they ever imagined. And for that we are SURVIVORS.<br />
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One's abyss may not be domestic violence. It may be addiction. It may be any number of unhealthy or toxic situations -- some circumstantial, some of one's own making. The key, that I've found, is to find the strength to take that all-important step back (and if you stumble, it's OK. Simply stand up and dust yourself off and try again -- sounds cliche, but it's true.) and see what's going on around you for what it is. It could very well be one of THE hardest things you ever do. And that is OK, too.<br />
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If you need help, ask for it. Seriously. There's no shame in saying, "I thought I had this. But I think I dropped it. Will you please help me?"<br />
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How do you think I was able to find all those teeny-tiny shards of rose-colored glass? The frames were easy to pick up... it was all the little parts that were a bitch.<br />
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I was stubborn. Damn near arrogant if you ask the right people. "I've got this." That was my mantra. Til it all fell apart and I damn near died in the process -- literally.<br />
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I straight dropped "This."<br />
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The infamous "This" was nothing more than an Illusion. An elaborate mirage of what I believed to be Love. Looking back, it was anything but... It was Control. It was Manipulation. It was Sadistic. It was Lies. And above all, it was Toxic -- to all that I was physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. I lost myself trying to save another who didn't want to be saved.<br />
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Trying to resuscitate what I thought to be a relationship was like offering up minuscule pieces of my Being infinitesimally small piece by infinitesimally small piece. Until there was nearly nothing left. <br />
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If you've ever had the unfortunate experience of nearly drowning, that is what it felt like. With each gasp I inhaled more Toxic Shit. Only b/c I was unknowingly swimming in a wasteland while he watched from the shore. Laughing. Screwing. Lying. Taunting my distress. And laughing some more. <br />
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With as full of a breath as I could muster I finally screamed for help and accepted an outstretched hand that clutched a rope to pull me to safety. That outstretched hand belonged to just one person, but I was amazed at how many people had lined up behind her to help save me. Each and every one firmly grasping the rope and pulling in unison.<br />
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Over the course of many months as I made my way to a distant shore far from where he stood, I continued to hear the echoes of the filth he yelled about how they were going to kill me. How they were lying. How they would hurt me. How they weren't what they seemed. How they didn't give a damn about me.<br />
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Now I realize those insidious, slanderous comments were mere Projection. HIS projection.<br />
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There was nothing to be scared of -- but when I was suffocating in the depths of his world the Pope himself couldn't have convinced me otherwise.<br />
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That is the hardest thing to come to grips with -- even now. It was ALL illusion. There was no Love. You DO NOT destroy what you L-O-V-E.<br />
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You want to talk about feeling like a Fool? Ha! Hell, I STILL shudder at my own naivety and ignorant willingness to trust and believe the shit I was being force-fed was Caviar.<br />
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Please don't misinterpret my venting here as bitterness or anything even remotely resembling it. Believe you me, it's NOT. If anything, I hope it serves as an inspirational anecdote that prompts others in similar situations to call BULLSHIT now WITHOUT FEAR.<br />
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Abusers are Cowards. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Kind of like the Boogeyman who lives in our closets and under our beds when we are children. Once you flip the light on (or pull off its mask) an empty void is all that remains.<br />
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I don't care what your belief system is. Christian. Catholic. Jewish. Hindu. Atheist. Buddhist. Witness. Even if you align with the First Church of Carlin... I DON'T CARE. What I DO care about is that you see yourself for the Beautiful Being you ARE! As I said earlier, we are ALL in this together.<br />
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If this fly-by glimpse into my encounter with the anti-Disney is of any help to another then this post was not written in vain.<br />
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As I close this out, Demi Lovato's "Really Don't Care" is playing on the iHeartRadio station I've running in the background. Define Irony lol...<br />
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Yes, Universe. I'm listening.<br />
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In Love and Peace,<br />
Namaste <3<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03691728925544368494noreply@blogger.com0