Silence...

"So it's gonna be forever, 

Or it's gonna go down in flames,

You can tell me when it's over,

If the high was worth the pain..."

~~ Taylor Swift, "Blank Space"

There's nothing like losing yourself in the beautiful silence and solitude once the storm has passed.

Until you reach that point you may very well feel like you are losing your mind. And to a degree you may be.

I know I did.

A mere few months into the relationship, I began to feel more and more confused about not only what was going on b/t he and I, but day-to-day happenings. He would say or do something and then turn right around and deny he ever said or did it.

I knew damn well he had, I witnessed it -- or so I thought.  

One of the greatest tools at the narc's disposal is making you doubt yourself. 

There are NO BOUNDARIES with a narc. NOTHING is sacred. And EVERYTHING is up for grabs.

AGAIN I say...

There are NO BOUNDARIES with a narc. NOTHING is sacred. And EVERYTHING is up for grabs. 

For instance, as I've mentioned before, you are NOT responsible for another person's actions -- ESPECIALLY the narc. HOWEVER, he/she does not see it that way. And over time, they DO make you feel like it is your day to watch them -- today and always. 

With my abuser it could be something so simple as, "Why didn't you wake me up this morning?" -- wouldn't matter if I had tried, if he didn't get up and was late to work that was my fault -- "Why did you let me do that?"  

The narc is a PRO at Crazy-Making.

And YOU, my Dear, are his/her prime target for outlandish and unreasonable behavior. Yes, it IS intentional. Yes, it IS meant to make you feel like you are losing your mind.  

Gaslighting and Confusion were my abuser's FAVORITE tactics for instigating and instilling confusion in me. 

Sure, I fought back at first (figuratively speaking). I would question, I would try to rationalize. And then I realized there is NO rationalizing narcissistic abuse. You are dealing with an irrational person. There is NO making sense of it.

But he would use his gaslighting techniques to make me feel like I WAS being too sensitive, too "thin-skinned," too weak, too selfish, too whatever fit the bill for the day and his mood. 

Once you fold under the pressure of the confusion and irrational arguments, the narc has won. You then shoulder the responsibility for things that are NOT your fault, but you feel as though they are, which only serves to reinforce the narc's control over you. 

Self-Doubt is one of your biggest clues that something isn't right and no it is NOT you. I'm sure it takes immense self control for a narc to witness his/her victim's decline into confusion and doubt without gleefully jumping for joy and clapping his/her hands. It is what they live for. Once the narc sees that you are starting to crack, he/she KNOWS he/she has a way to slither in and take up residence.

It was not uncommon for me to seek reassurance and validation about Everything from decisions to something I would say or do when around friends and/or family. It was like I needed propped up. I had gone from a totally confident woman to a fragile shell that could shatter with the slightest harsh wind.

Relationships with NO BOUNDARIES are breeding grounds for self-doubt and confusion. You don't intend to, but you LOSE yourself. All the lovebombing to win you over followed by rushing, merciless waves of devaluation cause you to teeter and fall. By the time you hit bottom, you aren't even sure who you are anymore.

Dissociation became my way of dealing with the constant onslaught of abuse. There were many times where it felt like I was watching the abuse happen but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would simply Shut Down.

To this day, there are still things I cannot remember. My therapist said it is common for abuse Survivors to experience trauma-induced amnesia. She explained it is the mind/body's way of shutting down in self-defense when the trauma is too overwhelming for the individual to handle.

It was at this point that I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. If you have never been there, all I can say is it is the MOST terrifying feeling -- and it is compounded by the immense loneliness you already feel in your "relationship."

Then, other symptoms began to emerge for which I was NOT prepared.

C-PTSD/PTSD and Anxiety became my two main issues and remain so today.

It DOES NOT matter -- if you experience a trigger, your mind AND body IMMEDIATELY go into panic mode. Period. You IMMEDIATELY feel the threat is Real and you are experiencing the trauma all over again IN THE PRESENT MOMENT -- known as Re-Living the trauma. And to the Nay-Sayers, NO you CANNOT control it.

All you can do is learn to know your triggers and try to cope and work through them as best you can. It takes time. A LONG time. And even when you DO learn to work through them, the initial Threat is STILL real... You are still re-living, but you are able to better recover and come back to the present moment.

In case you are not familiar with PTSD, here are a few of the signs/symptoms:
* Flashbacks
* Nightmares and night terrors
* Avoidance (of people, situations AND places)
* Isolation
* Hypersensitve Fight or Flight response
* Insomnia
* Memory loss

After I was subjected to a battery of tests and assessments, my therapist explained that what I was experiencing was complex PTSD and anxiety disorder.

WOW... This Shit actually had a NAME?? Holy Jesus!! Thank God!!

And then I realized, I would forever be intertwined with a stigma -- you know, the poor abused girl who nearly had a nervous breakdown and who is now prone to fits and crying jags... Poor thing.

She's Special.

BULLLLLL-SHIT. I will NOT be That Girl.

I got irritated and then bypassed angry and went straight to PISSED when it dawned on me the damage my abuser had done. What gave him the right? Hell, what was wrong with ME to let it happen?

But after extensive therapy, I came to understand I DIDN'T "let" anything happen.

I was the victim of domestic violence at the hands of a narcissistic personality. Jackpot.

Talk about the Perfect Storm.

The days, weeks and months went by and I slowly started to make progress to reclaim ME. Along the way, I began my journey on the Buddhist Path and realized I could not hold on to my anger.

"An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind."

~~ Mahatma Gandhi     

He wasn't angry. Yeah, he left a helluva lot of destruction in his wake, but that was the norm. So why should I waste my time being angry, holding a grudge, wishing him ill? It was only harming me.

Now, I STILL have days where I get angry. But I observe it. I let it be and let it go. Anytime it shows up, I don't invite it in for tea, but we sit on the porch and I let it vent. I listen. I wish it well. And see it on its way.

Until next time... I sit in silence. I relish the quiet. I am at peace... If only for a moment.

In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3