Smear Campaign...

"A man can tell a thousand lies,

I've learned my lesson well,

Hope I live to tell,

The secret I have learned, 'till then,

It will burn inside of me..." 

~~ Madonna, "Live to Tell"

Long before the discard phase of your relationship even begins, the narc has already begun laying the foundation for his/her sinister Smear Campaign.

The Goal: Character Assassination designed to make YOU look as unstable, unreliable and downright Crazy as possible. Period.

The Smear Campaign is intended to DESTROY your reputation, relationships, career, etc... Essentially, to destroy your LIFE. 

My abuser began his Smear Campaign LONG BEFORE I even realized what was going on. 

Here's how it works: The abuser weaves an intricate web of lies and stories catered to his/her goal of making him/her look like the victim of your Crazy Making. As the relationship enters the Discard phase, the stories and lies become more outlandish and intense. The abuser may even literally go through the motions of making it appear you are the dangerous one.

For instance, my abuser had family and friends convinced I was the unstable one. I was the stalker. 

He would call/text me as though all was hunky-dory. I was led to believe we were "working on things," meanwhile, he was telling others he had left me and couldn't figure out why I was still coming around. He was "scared" because I kept calling and he didn't know what I "was capable of." 

I often wondered why it was when friends or family would be around I'd always get sideways looks and questioning stares. But NO ONE would say a word. I KNEW something wasn't right. 

In the end, when I finally worked up the courage to leave, the Truth about what he'd been saying and doing came out. Then, right on cue, came the Flying Monkeys. 

In narc terms, Flying Monkeys are those individuals who believe the abuser's lies and stories -- they are Enablers. In an effort to aid the abuser, they will do his/her bidding. They bully the victim and go to great lengths to please the narc. These bullies are generally personalities who are Passive-Aggressive and seek similar approval and praise as the abuser -- only to a lesser degree. 

The FMs believe you must be taught a lesson. You must PAY for the hurt you caused the abuser. So they may spy on you. They may contact you directly. They may spread rumors about you. 

They will go to WHATEVER lengths necessary to create chaos and disorder.

The FMs' Goal: Provoke a response from YOU. 

Whatever response you offer is then twisted to fit the warped picture the narc has painted -- "See? She IS crazy!," "I told you she would say that!," "Now you know what I'VE been putting up with!" 

Blah blah blah.

My abuser had an entire harem of FMs. 

Once the Smear Campaign is in full swing, the narc keeps him-/herself surrounded by their FMs. It serves a dual purpose, he/she not only is making your life a living hell, but they've got the fan club to back it up making him/her feel all the more justified in his/her actions. The FMs stand in awe of the stories and lies and cannot believe the "injustice" you have thrust upon the abuser. ** Poor things, if they only knew the TRUE injustice. ** 

"There are TWO sides to every story," abusers and FMs say. Indeed. There are.

Smear Campaigns can be EXTREMELY damaging for the target/victim. Even if you DON'T respond (which I HIGHLY recommend), it can take a while for third parties to realize they've been duped into believing the narc. 

But, give it time, they WILL see the TRUTH. I promise. 

As soon as the FMs don't play according to the narc's rules or begin to question him/her, they too become discarded and potential targets of the abuser's wrath. 

With time, as you move forward and IGNORE the FMs' and narc's attempts to provoke a response, your growth and healing will show those who once believed the abuser's tales the REAL TRUTH. 

I know it is VERY difficult, but, please believe me when I say, Silence is your best defense against such malicious, callous attacks by your abuser. 

If you leave them be they will do a FINE JOB self-destructing on their own. Eventually, their lies will catch up with them -- EVERYTHING THAT IS HELD TOGETHER WITH LIES FALLS APART IN THE END.

When you remain silent, don't feed the negativity, and just breathe a sense of CALM washes over you. 

"When a man  knows the solitude of silence, 

and feels the joy of quietness, 

he is then free from fear and he feels the joy of the dharma." 

~~ Gautama Buddha 

This is the point where, as I've said before, only when you are safely on the opposite shore is it OK to look back with compassion. 

It has taken a long time for me to get where I am. But with each passing day and each step I take forward I leave him and his toxicity that much further behind me. And those who knew me then compared to now cannot believe how far I've come. Hell, I can't believe it sometimes.

You will be AMAZED at how much easier it is to breathe when you aren't living under the weight of narcissistic expectations and abuse. 

It takes a TREMENDOUS amount of strength to keep moving forward. I fight every day to continue putting one foot in front of the other. 

There are days when my PTSD and anxiety are almost suffocating even though the storm has long passed. 

But, as survivors, moving forward is what we do. We SURVIVE.

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3

Hoovering 101...

"Oh, he wants me,

But only part of the time.

He wants me,

If he can keep me in line..."

~~ Til Tuesday, "Voices Carry"

Ever feel like the narc is doing his damnedest to suck you back into the relationship? Yeah, there's a term for that. It's called Hoovering. And, yes, its namesake is taken from the vacuum cleaner.

You have been idealized, devalued and discarded -- or you have made the brave choice to leave. Then, you are suddenly Lovebombed and overwhelmed with attention from the narc. It is a way for him/her to test the waters and see if you are still potential supply.

He/she knows how to push your buttons, and even better they know how to suck you back in. They know what you want to hear. They know what won you over in the past and, odds are, it will work again... and again... and again.

My abuser ALWAYS prefaced his returns with the infamous Promise to Change routine. Sometimes the "change" would last for months, but towards the end I was lucky if the change lasted a matter of HOURS or even MINUTES.

Narcs, and other socio-/psychopathic personalities, are masters at manipulating situations and people to achieve their goal/agenda.

Keep in mind, Hoovering can quickly turn from "lovey-dovey" to downright threatening. In this digital age, most Hoovering is done via text messaging and social media -- narcs find it a viable means of communication b/c it is done from a "distance" and as soon as the supply is "hooked" the narc reels him/her in. 

That being said, here are a few techniques commonly employed by narcs to Hoover their victims:

** Hey Stranger: The narc uses this guise to reach out to you as if everything is hunky dory -- nothing happened. He/she may say, "How's it going?", "I've been thinking about you."

** Concern: He/she may play on your need for them to be "concerned" about you. Messages may include, "You mean the world to me, I just want to make sure you're doing alright," "I hope you aren't still mad at me, I'm sorry," "I'm worried about you."

** Guilt/Pity: Playing on your longing for things to be 'normal' again, the narc may say things like, "I know how I messed up, please give us another chance," "I won't make the same mistake(s) again, I've learned my lesson," "Please take me back, I've changed. I promise you."

** Affection/Sexual Undertones: Knowing there was really no genuine affection to start with, he/she may play on that by saying, "I miss waking up with you," "I wish we could snuggle like we used to," "You know we are soul mates, please come back. I'd be so affectionate, you will see I've changed," "No one else makes me feel like you do, I miss that. Please come back."

** Flip-Flop: The narc may reverse his/her Hoovering by saying, "Hey... Did you just text me?," "I think I missed a call from you, what'd you need?" And you know damn well you never text or called him/her. They may go so far as to suggest they just saw you out somewhere by saying something along the lines of, "Were you just at ____?" or "Did you just come by the house?"

** Health Issues: This is a rare one my abuser played a couple of times. He/she may text saying there's been an accident or someone is ill -- even him/her. "OMG, I think I need to go to the hospital and I can't get ahold of anyone, will you please come?," "I think I'm sick, can you please take me to the hospital?," "___ just had a stroke. I need you. Please."

** Interests: The abuser knows you VERY WELL. They've taken note of all your interests and may reach out to invite you to something they know you would like, such as "Hey, (so-and-so) is playing this weekend and I got tickets, you want to go?," "There's a play opening tomorrow night, wanna go?," "I know you start your garden around this time. I noticed (such and such store) has their spring plants out, wanna go pick some up?"

** Holidays: Despite not being in contact you may receive a message that says, "Happy birthday!," "Merry Christmas!," or "Happy New Year!."

And when the above tactics don't pan out to his/her liking, his/her tone will shift and become more aggressive and/or threatening.

** Accusatory: Even though you may not have reached out to others, the narc may say, "I talked to (so-and-so), why are you talking to him/her?," "What are you doing talking to my kids?," "Why did you call my dad?" "You never told me you cheated on me, but I just found out," "I can't believe you lied to me about ____." 

** Threatening: When the accusatory messages don't get a rise out of you he/she may take a more confrontational projecting tone, such as "I've moved on, leave me alone," "Why are you stalking me?," "I don't understand why you keep texting and calling me?" And you KNOW for a fact you've done no such thing, but for a minute the narc has you doubting yourself -- which is exactly what he/she wants. He/she is Projecting their actions onto you. Be aware and take note -- they're offering a Tell! 

When these tactics don't work to get your attention, don't be surprised if your abuser uses the same methods to reach out to others. Remember, Triangulation is the narc's Go-To method of pitting people against one another and to spark action. He/she may employ others to "check" on you and report back. 

The narc may also get too arrogant and use such methods to inadvertently tell on him-/herself. For instance, a message may be sent to a mutual friend saying, "I just saw her, she doesn't act like she misses me," "Who was that guy/girl I saw her/him with?," "Whose car is that in his/her driveway, she said she was alone." 

The best thing others can do is shut the narc down the moment contact is made. But those who are unaware of the situation may offer information the narc uses to fuel his/her obsession and Hoover that much harder. Only you know the narc and his/her patterns of behavior. If you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to give potential "sources" a heads-up about your situation so they're aware and don't fall prey to the narc's fishing expedition. 

I can't tell you how long it took me to finally work up the courage to go No Contact. In the beginning, when things would go bad it would take all I had not to call or text to apologize just so I could feel that things were OK again. And when I would get an unexpected message from him offering "concern" or playing on my emotions to feel bad for him I would immediately jump back into the fire. I still believed somewhere deep down he DID love me and was genuinely sorry for how things were. He just needed time to see the error of his ways. I fell for the "I miss you," "I've changed, I promise," "I know I messed up, please forgive me. It won't happen again," time and time and time again. 

That being said, when the mask would drop just enough that I'd see he really HAD NOT changed and would call him on it that's when things would go to hell. Then I'd get text messages, social media messages and calls CONSTANTLY. All accusing me of things I would never do and had NOT done. When those didn't work, uglier, threatening messages would come through.  

Believe me when I say, narcs will employ WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY to keep their hooks in you. They will Hoover you til you take them back, can't take it anymore and fold OR you finally garner the strength to go NO CONTACT.

"Conquer anger with non-anger.

Conquer badness with goodness.

Conquer meanness with generosity.

Conquer dishonesty with truth."

~~ Gautama Buddha    

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3

Liar, Liar...

I've never been a huge fan of Henry Rollins. HOWEVER...

Lyrically, Rollins NAILS IT with his portrayal of the Malignant Narcissist in his "Liar" video (1994).

Listen CLOSELY.

His POWERFUL, SPOT ON portrayal of the sadistic narcissist offers a disturbing glimpse of what it's like to deal with a narc; even down to the "apology" that you KNOW is coming in the end.

And the chorus... Well, when the mask comes off...

"Clouds in my coffee..."

"You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive,

Well you said that we made such a pretty pair, 

And that you would never leave,

But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me,

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee..."

~~ Carly Simon, "You're So Vain"

*** TRIGGER WARNING *** 

Unless you have met or been involved with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder it is VERY difficult to understand how quickly one can take a tumble down the Rabbit Hole.

Classified by the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (offered by the American Psychological Association) as a member of the Cluster B disorders, which includes dramatic, erratic and emotional disorders, NPD affects nearly 7 percent of the U.S. population, according to the nonprofit organization, Personality Disorder Awareness Network (PDAN). 

According to the DSM-V, those with NPD exhibit the following traits:

** Exaggerated sense of self-importance, entitlement, and a preoccupation with power and accomplishment. They require constant admiration and praise -- even when it is unwarranted.

** Arrogance, haughtiness, are envious of others, and are unable/unwilling to recognize the needs of others. And they have no qualms with taking advantage of others to get their way.

When you first met your abuser, odds are they seemed too good to be true. But, before long, your gut told you something wasn't right. Now, if you're anything like me, you ignored that initial twinge thinking you were just paranoid. Well, you're not.

By the time you acknowledge that twinge as justified, you are probably already experiencing signs of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

Here are a few signs of NAS:

** You feel like you aren't good enough. Nothing you say or do passes the test and just when you think you have a handle on it, the abuser raises the bar another notch.

** You are consumed by the relationship. It is difficult to work. All the relationships with family and friends you once had have dwindled to nearly nothing. Eventually you are living with the anxiety of constant Fight or Flight and you feel you must walk on eggshells around your abuser. Any little thing sets them off, and you will avoid those situations AT ALL COSTS.

** You feel completely alone. You've realized the person you fell for doesn't really exist. You live day to day on autopilot catering to the abuser's every whim to keep the peace. Adding insult to injury, your abuser makes you feel like he/she is simply tolerating you. Gestures of affection, attention or genuine interest are nonexistent. 

** The constant gaslighting, triangulation, manipulation and coercion have eroded you to the point you feel unworthy of anything. You are no longer good enough and the only thing that will momentarily take away that pain is some kind of positive attention -- no matter how small -- from the abuser. 

** The cyclical hurt/comfort that you experience from the abuser becomes EXHAUSTING. This is b/c the abuser preys on your emotions. Once you are beat down to the point of being unable to pick yourself up off the floor (either metaphorically or literally), then the abuser comes around offering affection and pseudo-positive attention. But at this point in the Game, you take what you can get and that little dose of sympathy offers you a euphoric high -- but it doesn't last.

** Values and convictions you once had are long gone. You have gone above and beyond what you ever thought you were capable just to appease your abuser. For example, you may find you are suddenly lying and bending the truth just to protect him/her. "Those bruises? Oh, yeah, well, I tripped over the coffee table" OR "I tripped on the stairs." Anything to deflect blame from your abuser b/c, after all, he didn't mean to hurt you. 

I experienced EVERY SINGLE ONE of these. 

I remember sitting in a restaurant one time and he was verbally laying into me about something I hadn't done to his liking. If memory serves, I wasn't showing enough "effort" to help repair the relationship after his most recent oopsie --- getting caught with another woman AGAIN.

I'll NEVER forget that glare he had as he leaned over the table to berate me in what he thought was a hushed, angered tone of voice. Little did he realize the people across the way heard EVERYTHING. I couldn't take it anymore and the dam broke. The tears started flooding down my cheeks and I got up leaving him at the table. I walked out and stood just inside the front door.

A kind woman, who had been sitting across the way, came up and said, "Honey, are you OK. Do you need help?" 

I wanted so much to say, "Yes, please make him stop." 

But no words would come. I simply shook my head no and kept my eyes cast to the floor. 

Here he came. And my entire body immediately tensed up. 

As he was at the register paying he started in again with a louder voice this time. 

"What the hell are you doing? You're making me look like such a douchebag. Quit those fake-ass tears, will ya?" 

I glanced up long enough to see the woman's family had come out and was standing around her and ALL eyes were on my abuser. No one said a word. But they all silently filed out behind us to make sure I was (relatively) OK. 

He turned and looked behind us. 

"See? You've got those fucking people watching us!" 

Once we got to the parking lot it all started again. I got to hear how "fucking weak" I was. What a "piece of shit" I was. How I was "too sensitive," "only thinking of myself," and I "needed to show more effort to make this work."

That was just one of the many HUNDREDS of verbal attacks I endured. But, as mentioned above, I felt as though I had deserved it. Even though, deep down, a tiny voice kept telling me I had done nothing wrong. But I HAD to have done SOMETHING to trigger him. Now, if only I could figure out what that something was and fix it, this wouldn't happen again. 

But it did. Again and again and again. 

Now, being fair, there ARE two sides to every story. I am simply offering mine. If you ask the narc, it would be a totally different tale twisted in his favor to make it look like I drove him to attack. How my selfishness and unwillingness to change (for him) was my fault. But, NO ONE deserves such verbal abuse and humiliation (especially in public). Period. 

Not ONCE did he ever make a genuine effort to change his ways. Sure, there were times when he would come around being apologetic offering token gifts and seemingly heartfelt affection -- but that was simply b/c he had no new supply to fall back upon. Soon as he would give me the Silent Treatment (and shortly after discard) I knew there was another waiting in the wings.

But the discard was never "complete," he would keep communication open just enough to "keep tabs" on me to know I was there to fall back on. 

You have to understand (and unless you have experienced it, it's nearly impossible) how CONVINCING  a narc can be. Desperate times call for desperate measures and by god, if he knew he was up shit creek with no means of escape he was Prince Freakin' Charming and I fell for it EVERY goddamned time. 

And then his addictions took over. 

When substance abuse enters the picture the entire dynamic of the relationship takes on a more volatile tone. Now, not only are you dealing with the personality disorder and the abuse, but also the unpredictability of the effects the substance, or substances, has on the abuser's personality and behavior. But that, my friends, is another topic for another time.

I hope that my offering a brief intro to NAS and sharing an excerpt from my own story is enough to help someone out there who may be reading this who is in the midst of the storm or knows someone who is. You are NOT alone. 

It has taken me a VERY long time to learn and understand that you MUST love yourself before you can love another. If you let go of, or have never possessed that love, you're offering up a doorway for others to take advantage of you. And there are those out there who WILL NOT HESITATE to do so. 

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection."

~~ Gautama Buddha

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3

Down the Rabbit Hole...

"I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed  a few times since then." 

~~ Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

Somewhere along the way, I fell down the rabbit hole. 

Chasing an illusion I discovered an absurd world where nothing was as it seemed and all its elements had been methodically positioned by a patient hand. 

For those up top, it can be difficult to fathom what happens as you tumble down into an abyss shrouded in domestic abuse; especially since they tend to lose sight of you before long. But, then, you lose sight of you, too.

Contrary to how things may seem to the outsider, there IS a Method to the Madness. And it is VERY disturbing to put it mildly.

Narcissists are very patient. They take great care in honing the skills it takes to snag, keep and (eventually) discard supply when it no longer serves his/her needs. 

So, how exactly does a narc "break" their victim? Here's a few of the sadistic, systematic ways:

Fantasy vs Reality: Narcissists are MASTERS at presenting a false self to the unsuspecting Supply. All the traits you have sought in a partner, or potential spouse, I guarantee you will find in the narc. Deep down they are void of any semblance of health and normalcy. Emotion? No, they don't feel it like you and I. Conscience? Nonexistent. Entitlement? Abundant. Remorse? Zilch. They are a mirror. They mimic. Especially when they see traits in you that trigger Envy in them. They present this false self to pull you in. Once you are secured, the cycle of abuse begins very subtly. 

Idealize, Devalue, and Discard: The Narc's Cyclical Relationship Trifecta: 

Idealize: Narc's like to swoon their supply in a whirlwind of affection, attention and compliments. They come on strong -- it's referred to as "Lovebombing.". Before you know it, you've been swooped up and placed on a beautiful pedestal designed just for you -- or so it seems. You can do NOTHING wrong in the eyes of your adoring partner. They brag on you to family, friends and strangers to the Nth Degree. He/she seems the Perfect partner. All is beautiful and right with the World.

Devalue: As quickly as you were crowned the Perfect One, the devaluing phase isn't nearly as swift, but it's close behind. Little by little the pedestal on which you've become so comfortable is chipped away with criticism, put-downs and silent treatment. Just when you think you've naturally met and exceeded your partner's standards, those standards change and they keep changing. You will NEVER measure up. Over time, as you are put and kept in your "place" through the narc's covert and overt abusive tactics, your sense of self and confidence are destabilized leaving you more and more void of YOU. 

Discard: Just like a child with a new toy, once the newness wears off the toy is cast aside in favor of something newer and shinier -- this is the discard phase of the relationship. It is during this time that the narc starts scouting for new supply -- if he/she hasn't already. You are no longer fun. You have caught on to things that don't seem right and have exerted what strength you've left by asking questions you shouldn't, which only incur more abuse. Despite the narc's sense of entitlement to find new Supply, he/she will undoubtedly exhibit excessive jealousy and anger towards you. Please DO NOT mistake this for caring by any stretch of the imagination. The constant calls, text messages, Facebook stalking and surprise "visits"/chance "meetings" are intended to simply "keep track" of you -- an element commonly employed by narcs to ensure the paths of current and future Supply do not cross. Once the narc secures additional Supply -- You're Gone. Discarded. Forgotten. That is, until things do not work out with the new Supply -- in which case, the narc returns to Lovebomb you once again to convince you he/she made a mistake and you really are Soul Mates. And then the cycle begins AGAIN.

Gaslighting: Yeah, I've mentioned this one before but I cannot stress how important this element is to the narc's methodical, insidious breaking, reconditioning and ensured control of the new Supply. Most humans can only tolerate a certain amount of bullshit before they break. Narcs are Masters at taking that breaking point and twisting it to make the abused seem Nuts, Crazy, Unstable, etc... Framing the victim as unstable adds fodder to the stories and lies they've already started telling about you -- but more about this in a few. The Goal is to make you doubt yourself. Anything the narc can do to twist things to make you come undone, I Guarantee he/she WILL. 

Triangulation: Again, another element I have talked about previously. Just know that the narc's methodical triangulation extends beyond to include people you may not even be aware of or know. My abuser was such a master he had EVERYONE fooled. And I mean EVERYONE. From family to complete strangers... How he kept all the different stories and lies straight is beyond me. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to have to keep up so many plot lines. 

Smear Campaign: This is where it gets REALLY sadistic. Odds are, your abuser has been painting you as something you're not to others for quite some time. By the time you figure out what is going on he/she has already laid a firm foundation on which to present your "Crazy Ass" to the world.  

You may be portrayed as Unstable, a Stalker, a Cheat, a Liar, a Thief, Crazy, Nuts, Bipolar, etc... The narc holds NOTHING back when painting a false you to his/her captivated audience. "Awww, you poor thing..." they say to him/her. If they only knew. It takes time for the narc's web to untangle... It may not happen when you exit Stage Left, but I promise you it WILL happen Eventually. There DOES come a time that all those who swallowed the stories and lies must Realize what they were fed WAS a bunch of Shit.

"Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill." 

~~ Gautama Buddha    

Near the end I was grabbing at tufts of grass, loose rocks, whatever I thought I could reach as I continued to tumble down to the bottom of the rabbit hole. 

When I finally hit bottom, I landed HARD. 

But it all finally started to make sense. There was a reason for all of it. That didn't make it any less painful to deal with or a less bitter pill to swallow -- but I could finally see there was a Method to the Madness. And I was no longer the trusting, open-hearted woman who initially took the tumble. 

I was confused. I was hurt. I was heartbroken. I was shattered.

And he, well, he never stopped smiling. 

But that's OK. I learned a valuable lesson. One that I will never forget. And despite all the pure Hell I went through, I learned to Forgive. Without forgiveness, I couldn't have made it this far. May he one day conquer his Demons. 

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

~~ Gautama Buddha   

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3

Bitter Pill...

Everyone says they want the Truth. Period.

But in many cases, sadly, as Jack Nicholson so impassionately yelled during the courtroom scene in the 1992 flick A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!"

I know I couldn't handle the Truth... At first.

How IS one supposed to come to terms with the bitter Truth that they're the victim of DV? After all, you genuinely believe your Love will conquer All. You are blind. You have been so isolated that the violence, whether it's verbal, emotional or physical, becomes the norm. It is expected. But, as odd as it sounds, when you're in the midst of the storm, you don't see it as violence.

"He only lashes out when I do something to piss him off," you might tell yourself. "If I can just get it right, he won't hurt me."

Well, guess what, it doesn't matter WHAT you say or do, your abuser will find SOME reason to continue to inflict cowardice acts of violence against you. And THAT is the Truth.

It makes the abuser feel in control. It gives him/her the power to continue playing his/her Game. For you, it's your life. But to him/her, it's a Game.

It wasn't until I was safely on the opposite shore that everything began to make sense. After months of gaslighting, triangulation and manipulation, I was lucky to trust my own gut about anything. And I mean ANYTHING.

My sense of self had been methodically eroded to the point that I wasn't even sure about who I was anymore. I was a shell.

Seeing your situation for what it is can be a VERY bitter pill to swallow.

My abuser was a MASTER manipulator. Looking back, it is truly frightening how someone can lie so easily and have so many different masks that one wears depending on the situation and conversation.

The foundation of a narcissist's means for maintaining the advantage in this warped Game is communication. As long as the abuser can control the information coming in and out of the relationship -- and, YES, that includes controlling YOU -- how you speak, to whom, and about what -- then the independent circles remain in tact and none is the wiser.

Hell hath no fury like a narc who finds out you have spoken to someone about your relationship.

"What happens b/t us is no one's business but OURS," mine would always say. "It's a private matter."

Private my ass.

Soon as I rose from the Toxic waters of our 'relationship,' I stood on the shore gazing back and couldn't believe how many individuals he had confined in little bubbles dangling from his marionette strings.

Let's look at the ways by which a narcissist, a.k.a narc, controls communication both within and without the relationship, shall we? Then you can make up your own mind. Take the pill. Or don't.

First and foremost, UNDERSTAND THIS: Attempting to have a conversation with a narc can quickly resemble an endurance challenge. For the abuser, conversations aren't about listening or communicating, they're about WINNING and furthering their Agenda. When you attempt to confront your abuser about his/her lies, behaviors or anything else that seems wonky, odds are it will get flipped on you. In the end, you are left doubting yourself, doubting your own ability to distinguish fantasy from reality and wondering why you even attempted to get any semblance of understanding or answers from your abuser. You're left exhausted and no better off than you were before you said a word.

So, here are some common tactics used by the narc when "conversing":

Upended Projection: Before you even leave the starting line behind, your abuser will already have projected your doubts, concerns, etc... back onto you in order to make him- or herself look like the victim. Never for a minute believe you are dealing with a rational person who has a conscience or ability to feel emotions as you do. I promise you, you are coming from an alien place. The narc goes by a totally different set of rules than you. And that WILL NOT change.

Shifting Blame: It doesn't matter what you are trying to discuss, you will quickly find yourself on the backside of things shouldering the entirety of blame. The conversation quickly disintegrates as the narc goes on the offensive and verbally pummels you pointing out every fault, insecurity, and weakness you possess to make you feel responsible, hence, putting you on the defensive. Remember, NOTHING is the narc's fault. In his/her mind, he/she IS the ultimate victim.

Veering Off Topic: You may have approached the conversation talking about one thing, but before you know it, the narc has veered way off topic. Instead of concentrating on what YOU would like to discuss, the narc will take the conversation in another direction, shift the blame, and project leaving you on the defensive. It doesn't matter if you have hard evidence to support your concerns, the narc will veer off topic to regain control of the situation.

Loud and Proud: Odds are the narc may also adopt an indignant attitude that you even had the gall to speak to him/her about your concerns -- especially if you challenge him/her. The abuser will demonstrate an absurd amount of anger over this 'injustice,' raise his/her voice and become increasingly animated. If you continue to push, the situation is likely to become violent. To avoid further animosity, you wave the white flag. The abuser wins and is further empowered.

Interruptions Abound: Narcs are notorious interrupters -- especially when they are fighting to retain control of a conversation -- or, as they view it, confrontation. If you think the narc is even remotely interested in what you have to say, think again. The only time they are silent is when they're plotting. Narcs constantly interrupt in order to deflect and veer the conversation in a direction that favors THEM. It doesn't matter the situation or environment, there is ONE RULE: It is the Abuser's way or no way. No exceptions.

Silence: Commonly referred to as the Silent Treatment, this is a last-ditch effort by the narc to teach you a Lesson. A genuinely cruel form of mental abuse, the intended goal is to make you feel unwanted, unloved and unimportant. And it works. The last thing you want is for the person you love to cast you aside and refuse to speak to you. You're left wondering what you did wrong when, in fact, you have done NOTHING. And the real bitch of it is, 99.999999% of the time, the narc EXPECTS you to apologize for what YOU have done and, by god, you had better offer the apology exactly as he/she expects or you are right back at Square One.

I cannot say definitively, nor would I want to, that my abuser used each and every one of these tactics on others -- I can only speak to what I endured. But I CAN say that he had a story for Everyone and the role I played varied depending on who he talked to. For example:

If it was potential supply, I was a stalker.
If it was his mother, I was crazy.
If it was his ex-wife, I was socially awkward and shy.
If it was a "mutual" friend, I was the only one he ever truly Loved.

For me to even begin to fathom the web of deceit he had patiently woven was a HUGE pill for me to swallow. There isn't a chaser in the world that can take that aftertaste out of your mouth. It lingers and influences ALL aspects of your life... As far as I've come, I still taste hints of it.

Yeah, I sat there with my little glass of water in one hand and pill in the other for quite some time. 

Eventually, I realized I hadn't the luxury of a choice b/c the situation was going to kill me one way or another.

I've always been an advocate for Truth no matter the circumstance. It is better to know the truth than prolong a lie that makes for unbearable heartache. The trick is garnering the strength to swallow that bitter pill. Then, finding the strength to move forward.

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the Path." 

~~ Gautama Buddha

In Peace and Love,
Namaste <3

Show's Over...

"Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not...

... I know you're only sorry you got caught..."

~~ Rihanna "Take a Bow"

I can't count how many times I heard the "I'm sorry..." routine. 

Foolishly, I bought it for the first few hundred times. Yeah, hundreds. That's what happens when you want so desperately to believe. The hardest part is coming to terms with the FACT that your efforts and love are for naught. 

Abusers are masters when it comes to manipulating your emotions. They KNOW that you genuinely love and care for them and they take advantage it. The forgiveness you offer in the wake of their "heartfelt" apologies only helps fuel their continued misbehavior. They KNOW that, no matter what, you will keep forgiving them. They've left you with no choice -- or so you believe. If you keep giving, love harder, put forth more effort you WILL change them. It'll be OK. You will continue to be there for them to take advantage of and fall back on. But there MUST come a Final Curtain that falls. 

Once they realize you're hand is on the rope to bring the curtain down, the Beast comes out. And they don't hesitate to pull out ALL the stops.

HOWEVER, before you work up the courage to reach for the rope to close the curtain, you have been victimized beyond belief by the abuser's multifaceted approach to break you. Subtle at first, the abuse becomes more methodical and insidious with each passing day. 

Among the most popular tools in the abusers box:

**GASLIGHTING: Essentially, mental abuse. The abuser takes anything you say or do and spins it in such a way as to favor him/herself making them the victim and YOU the abuser. When used consistently over time, you begin to doubt your own sanity. Seriously. It fucks with your head HARD. 

**PROJECTION: All the issues your abuser suffers with I guarantee will be projected on you at some point if they haven't already. If they have issues with lying, YOU are the liar. If they cheat, YOU are the cheater. If the abuser feels guilty about something, he/she WILL do their damnedest to make you feel like the lowest of the low -- and you haven't done a thing. 

**MANIPULATION AND COERCION: Abusers are master manipulators across the board --- they MUST get their way or there's hell to pay. If you are insecure about ANYTHING they will use it to their advantage. For example, if you fear your partner may cheat, he/she may surround themselves with what they portray as "competition." You better behave, if you don't they want you to KNOW they have "options." And, as though it couldn't get more insidious, there's coercion. This happens when they ask for something and your initial response is, "No." They will continue to pester, nag, etc... until you FINALLY give in. At times, they may even use threats or violence to make you comply.  

**I'M THE VICTIM: This tactic is firmly rooted in the abuser's belief that the World is out to get him/her. NOTHING is his/her fault. If they get pulled over for doing 60 mph in a 30 mph zone, the cop pulled him/her over b/c the cop is out to get him/her. Anything negative that happens to them is SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. Abusers shun responsibility like a snake sheds it's skin -- only MUCH faster. When they speak about past relationships, jobs, etc... that didn't work out the reason ALWAYS falls on a third party. Period. 

**TWISTY TIE: OK, so this isn't a textbook term, but it's what I call it when the abuser takes their actions/comments that land them in hot water and twist it to make it YOUR fault somehow. Doesn't matter what it is. In the end, you end up apologizing for something you didn't even do. You're left with no choice but to apologize otherwise they WON'T let it go until they believe they've been relieved of their responsibility. 

**TRIANGULATION: Whether it was with family, friends (his, not mine -- I wasn't allowed to have many and even those were the ones of which he "approved."), or strangers, this is one my abuser kept in his pocket. Essentially, the abuser is the messenger. The idea is to keep EVERYONE isolated in independent circles and then the abuser shuffles from one circle to the next delivering different messages to influence others' views of the victim or how they see the abuser. The communication can be through action or words. The goal is to create chaos and/or further the abuser's "agenda." Another aspect of this is the employment of Flying Monkeys -- those individuals who believe the abuser's stories/lies and act on his/her behalf.  

**RAGE (or as I call it, HULKING OUT): It doesn't matter what the trigger is, but the abuser flies into a rage. The abused is left bewildered and shocked as to what just happened. As a consequence, you find you are forced silent or to submit to whatever they say just to make the anger/rage/violence stop.  

It took me quite a while to literally force myself to realize I'd been victimized by all the above tactics -- and then some. 

Take, for example, his serial cheating. It was one of many rotting pieces of material on which our "relationship" was based. I didn't realize it when I began the relationship. Trust me, had I known I was dealing with damaged materials I would have walked away from the project completely. But, at first, he was good with coating over the holes and bad spots with (at the time) believable bullshit and secrecy. 

Come to find out, I was one of many, many women. And, sadly, we had each been led to believe we were the only one. So what happens when you think you're in a monogamous relationship, you act like it, yes? You call. You text. You expect to spend time together. Unbeknownst to me, I was made out to be the stalker. (Projection at work here.) And when he would get caught with another woman, it was one of four staple excuses:

** I was stupid. I had a moment of weakness. 

** "Well, if you would do your job I wouldn't have to go elsewhere."

** "She's just a friend."

**"It wasn't me. You are mistaken." (My personal favorite **sarcasm**)

When I finally figured out what was going on, I did something my abuser wasn't anticipating. I popped every last circle with which he'd surrounded himself. Well, actually "I" didn't pop them alone. There became too much "cross contamination" and those who had been confined to their own circles began to see the same cracks I was seeing. Once communication opened b/t the circles it was Game Over. And the mask was ripped off. 

At this point the Beast will come unleashed OR it will find new supply (victims) to exploit b/c this scene is no longer fun. He/she isn't getting the expected applause to which he/she is accustomed. 

There comes a point when "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it anymore. A reasonable person will apologize for wrong-doing and not repeat said action. When you're dealing with a narcissist the opposite is true. Yeah, they apologize. But the apology is not only hollow, it is coupled with one of the above tools. No exception. Then the responsibility falls on YOU. Are you going to continue to put up with the drama and deceit, or will you exit Stage Left? 

I chose to exit Stage Left. I admit I watched from backstage for a few minutes to see how the act would end. True to form it was the same sorry routine, His begging for me to return to center stage -- it was my "Place." When I refused, the script turned to heckling, threats, etc... It took all I had not to run back to center stage just to make it stop. Then something miraculous happened. 

Well, not necessarily miraculous -- it was no different from what he'd been doing for many months -- he chose a volunteer from the audience to take my place. New supply. 

It was at that point the show was over. I pulled the rope and down went the curtain. And I walked away. 

Mentally, I still walk past that theatre every now and again. Not to reminisce. But to remind myself about why I left. 

It is sad how traumatic such a relationship can become. The scars you carry aren't always visible. And, believe me, you carry them. It affects ALL your relationships. There are now issues with Trust, Self-Doubt and Self-Esteem (all from prolonged exposure to the narc's toxic Triangulation, Gaslighting AND Twisty Tying). 

I am a firm believer that narcs should be forced to come with a disclaimer, "I am dangerous to your well-being. I AM TOXIC." 

But, alas, in its essence that would be wrong.

I pray that if you are still going through the motions of a tired script and dated show, may you exit the Stage soon and find your way to Truth, Light and Love. It takes time to recondition yourself. But it can be done. Truly. I know. I'm still in the process. 

In Peace and Love,

Namaste <3