Prayer of the Loving Kindness (Metta Bhavana) Practice
May I be free from fear. May I be free from suffering.
May I be happy. May I be filled with Loving Kindness.
May you be free from fear. May you be free from suffering.
May you be happy. May you be filled with Loving Kindness.
May all people everywhere be happy and filled with Loving Kindness.
Dear readers...
I apologize for the hiatus over the past few weeks. It always seems that when we find a groove, life has a way of setting us adrift sideways... but only momentarily. With grounding and strength, may we not be swayed from our purpose and find peace regardless of the storms that gather around us.
I am revamping this space to be more inclusive of those issues that affect not only Survivors of DV, but anyone who finds that life is sometimes a bit too much to handle -- while adding a bit of Buddhist wisdom along the way.
Regular posts will return in the coming days. But, for now, I offer the prayer of Loving Kindness above. May it help you, as it has helped me, to keep focus and realize we are much greater beings than we realize. And that we are One.
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual goodbyes,
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face that told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive..."
~~ Jann Arden, "Insensitive"
*** TRIGGER WARNING ***
Family and friends, and anyone else on the outside looking in, oftentimes do NOT understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship. The most common reaction from outsiders is to say, "Why don't you just leave?" or, even worse, "Get out, get over it and move on."
Those who have never experienced narc abuse/domestic violence simply don't have the perspective to appreciate the gravity and danger of the situation. It is imperative one remembers that the narc is a charismatic chameleon.
What outsiders see holds NO resemblance to the beast that lives behind closed doors.
It is difficult to explain how it is simply NOT an option to leave and Get Over It. The victim believes he/she CAN change the situation -- but the narc keeps upping the ante. It is a never ending battle. And the intermittent acts of kindness and sweetness the narc offers are enough to keep the victim holding out hope for a happy ending.
Narcs say they want love. But, by definition, what they consider "love" doesn't even remotely resemble the real thing... Like what normal people seek.
"... I want love, just a different kind,
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want...
I want love on my own terms..."
~~ Elton John, "I Want Love"
The MAIN flag, though I didn't recognize it at the time, was all the women -- "friends" he called them. Now, I have ALWAYS gotten along better with men than women, so the vast majority of my friends are male -- so, I didn't think too much of it.
When the honeymoon was over, if I didn't answer when he called, text or spend time with him (b/c I had to work) he IMMEDIATELY took that as a Green Light to have a booty call. And it wasn't my booty he was calling.
I would have NEVER found out had he not slipped up.
While on lunch break one day, I received a text from a woman I didn't know. Attached was a picture of her in bed with him. The taunting message ranted about what a prick he was for not returning her phone calls and texts and to make me aware of what an asshole he was.
You know that Gut instinct you have? NEVER ignore it. I had an inkling for quite some time something wasn't right, but I thought I was just imagining it. After all, he "loved" me and would never hurt me.
From that day forward, Trust was shattered. And lying among the razor-sharp shards of what remained were the seeds from which the Beast would grow.
Narcs are notorious for their infidelity. But the way they make you feel in the beginning, it is easy to believe that you are DIFFERENT. He certainly had me believing this. The "indiscretion" he had was simply a moment of "weakness" and he wouldn't have done it had I paid him more attention. And at the time, I believed his shit.
So I worked harder. Loved harder. But it didn't matter. He developed a perma-smirk -- amused with my efforts KNOWING it was all in vain.
You eventually get to a point where you can't take it. So you leave. But before you know it, you are sucked back into the belly of the Beast. And those around you don't understand. They lose patience. They express their frustration. And finally they shake their heads and give up. So, you return to the only one you think understands you -- the narc.
Looking back I should have left after the first red flag flew. But I was brainwashed, blind. I wanted so desperately to believe things weren't as bad as they seemed.
It was only when he had me by the throat throttling me, and I saw the black void in his eyes, that I KNEW I was no longer dealing with the person I had fallen in love with.
It was an illusion. He didn't care. He didn't love me. I was a pawn. I was a toy. I was an excuse. I was Nothing.
Friends and family of a victim of domestic abuse need to educate themselves about the cycle of abuse to fully understand the dynamic of what's going on.
I was undergoing a significant change. I was no longer the fun-loving carefree woman I once was. The bad part was, I thought I was holding it together and no one knew. I'd smile and try to be casual about things as though they were fine, but they were anything but.
I was dying inside.
Victims of abuse exhibit Tell-Tale signs in their behavior and personality that need to be heeded. We don't come out and say, "I need help" b/c that is the furthest thing from our minds. We feel like we've got this. But in reality, we don't. We are simply trying to survive and change a situation that, little did we realize, was doomed from the beginning.
Signs of domestic abuse can include:
~~ Isolation ~~ The victim no longer has a social life. He/she falls off the radar b/c they are too wrapped up in their abuser. Remember, the abuser controls ALL communication coming in and going out of the relationship. Isolating their victim from any potential "threats" that may blow their cover is the first preemptive strike.
~~ Personality changes ~~ Individuals who were once known to be outgoing become increasingly introverted and quiet. They may no longer return calls or texts. Excuses abound as to why they can no longer attend social gatherings or lunch/dinner dates with friends. Oftentimes, he/she becomes depressed, which only adds to the struggle to survive.
~~ Physical changes ~~ Victims of abuse often deteriorate in ways that become increasingly noticeable. He/she may lose weight (or gain weight) due to the stress of the situation. The person may start to look haggard and more stressed out.
~~ Appearance ~~ Similar to the lengths an addict will go to in order to conceal physical signs of their drug use, a victim of domestic abuse that has become physically violent will adopt a similar strategy. He/she may wear long sleeves or pants to cover their bruises -- even in summer. Women will oftentimes wear more make-up than usual in an effort to cover blackened eyes or bruises to visible areas that cannot be covered with clothing or a scarf. If a bruise or injury is spotted, we are at the ready with a "plausible" excuse --- to protect the abuser AND ourselves from the abuser lest he/she should think we have reached out for help or "told on them"... Which can only initiate further, worse abuse. What makes this aspect even worse, is the victim BELIEVES he/she deserved it.
~~ Mannerisms ~~ As was the case with me, I became very jumpy. I was no longer wont to giving hugs freely. I jumped at the least little noise. And if someone approached me or reached for me too quickly I would shrink back to avoid their touch -- something so casual as a hand on the shoulder or a tussling of my hair. Eye contact became nonexistent.
~~ Interference ~~ The abuser often takes it upon him-/herself to run interference when loved ones and friends try to contact the victim. The narc may answer the victim's phone or texts so he/she can keep a finger on the pulse of the situation. When in public with the abuser, the victim will often keep eyes cast down or refer all conversation to the abuser who is more than willing to interact in social settings as long as he/she remains in control.
It is essential that if you believe a friend or loved one is in an unhealthy situation that you approach him/her in a nonjudgmental way. I know it is difficult, actually impossible, to relate if you've never walked in the abused's shoes.
Leaving an abusive relationship is something that must be done on the victim's terms. Only he/she knows when it's time to get out. HOWEVER, there ARE situations where that time never comes. But I pray that those who are trapped in the storm eventually see their way to make it to the opposite shore.
With time, he/she will see the situation more objectively and, with it, the patterns. Education is KEY.
Once the fog lifted and I was able to see him for what he was and the situation as a whole, I knew I couldn't go back. NOTHING I would say or do could mend the damage or change the situation. I had to survive. I had to move forward. And as terrifying as it was, I had the support necessary to maintain NC and begin to heal.
To this day, I'm still healing. I live with PTSD triggers and anxiety day in and day out. The good days are beginning to outnumber the bad ones, but they still raise their ugly head now and again.
There is no excuse for a narc's behavior. Their wiring is wonky.
But your wiring, Dear, is NOT wonky. You are NOT broken. You are NOT damaged. You have just endured a horrific situation. Punches don't have to be thrown to give you scars. I always said I would have rather he just hit me repeatedly without saying a word -- not even an apology b/c I know it wouldn't be sincere. Bruises fade. But the venom with which the narc speaks breaks you down and leaves VERY deep scars that take a long time to heal.
Sadly, I don't think the scars ever really go away, they simply fade. But they DO make us stronger. And with that strength comes a tremendous beauty with which we build a new life steeped in Truth, Love and Light.
Without suffering, there is no growth. Without hurt and struggle, there cannot be beauty.
When recovering from an abusive relationship, you mourn twice -- for the loss of who you thought was your Soul Mate and the relationship itself.
But through the struggle of grief, we become stronger. It hurts like Hell in the beginning, but believe me, as the hurt begins to wane the ability to breathe freely returns -- and with it an empowerment and strength that cannot be rivaled.
Initially you struggle with questions that, to the outsider, sound anything but sane given the situation They see.
"Why did I put up with his/her bullshit for so long?"
"Why do I still miss him/her?" "Why can't I forget it all?"
"Why do I hurt so bad and will it go away?"
And on and on it goes for a while.
But eventually, as the clouds clear you see the sun shine down and with it Truth, Love and Light. It's a whole new World. And it is Amazing.
As you meander through the process of healing, you WILL bounce back and forth. You WILL struggle... It's natural.
Here are a few methods you can use to help ease you through the hurt and pain.
~~ Feel Your Pain... Fully ~~ It is essential you allow yourself to feel the range of emotions FULLY. Yes, the person you fell for was a Fraud. Yes, the relationship WAS abusive. But you are here now. Get angry. Be frustrated. Hurt. See each of these emotions for what they are and allow them to come and go without attaching to them. Remember, EVERYTHING is impermanent -- this includes the hurt and agony you're experiencing. DON'T get Stuck. If you are feeling too overwhelmed, seek help from a trusted friend, family member or professional counselor. I know that counseling and a tremendous support system saved my life. There is no shame in reaching out for help. You are not a superhero.
~~ NO Contact ~~ Establish NO CONTACT and MAINTAIN it. It is impossible to heal from the abuse when you leave the door open even a crack. Leave it all behind. There is no healthy future when you leave one foot in the past. Narcs DO NOT change. Holding out hope for a redemption of any kind will only prove detrimental to YOU in the long run.
~~ Educate Yourself ~~ Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and the cycle of abuse. Now this doesn't mean you submerge yourself in a sea of NPD obsession. But it is essential to familiarize yourself with the terminology and pathology of behaviors so you can avoid falling for the same illusion again. The better you understand the signs, the easier it is to avoid in the future.
~~ Ground Yourself ~~ Narcissistic abuse IS Trauma, period. The sooner you are able to come to terms with the reality of your situation the better. The key is to NOT get caught up in the same cycle of doubt, longing, and self-blame. You MUST make the decision to move Forward WITHOUT looking back and dipping your toes in the "What Ifs." Learning self-soothing strategies, such as positive self-talk, deep breathing, and engaging in self-care are essential to healing. It is time to take care of YOU. (I will cover some self-care techniques in an upcoming post.)
~~ Improve Your Self-Esteem ~~ Narcs leave their victims shattered. There is no recognizable sense of self when the dust settles. It is imperative you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror and see the beautiful human being you truly are -- and that includes recognizing the scars, both seen and unseen. Our scars are our badges of honor. We are Survivors. Take this experience and those scars as proof you are stronger than you have ever given yourself credit to be... And build on that.
~~ New Routine ~~ Now is the time to establish the self and life you have always dreamed of being/having. Embrace the possibilities today and the future hold for you. There is NO ONE who can take those from you unless you allow it. And if you are reading this, then you are at the crossroads where you know you've a decision to make. Take charge of your life. Explore all the opportunities that lay before you. Maybe that means something so simple as reinventing yourself or embarking on a new career path. Take up hobbies and interests you were never able to before. Take advantage of the hope, love and life that is before you.
You ARE like the lotus flower. All that ickiness and bullshit you put up with for so long are what have helped you to grow and become strong. Live life. Live love. Embrace Truth. And know that you are beautiful.
Please check out this video ("Discard Your Victim Status NOW") by Beverly Banov Brown, M.S... Brown incorporates nearly all the points I've discussed in this space thus far -- right down to the rose-tinted glasses (literally)... If you (or someone you know) are recovering from narc abuse, this is INVALUABLE information...
Up to this point, you have lived your life through and for the narcissist. So, going No Contact can prove one of the greatest tests thus far.
Going NC is YOUR way of saying, "I am DONE." And mean it.
But, why is it so difficult to walk away from the narc? Let's take a look at a few of the intricately weaved elements and how they influence our ability to call it Quits.
Habitual Focus ~~ The narc has trained you to put him/her FIRST... Always. Anything that was of value to you, such as your time, boundaries, interests, relationships, career, etc..., has been systematically chipped away to a cold void. Things that once made you happy no longer appeal to you b/c your SOLE focus has become pleasing the narc. In the early stages of NC, it is completely normal to feel helpless, lonely, and lost. It takes a while to re-establish your footing, but you WILL get there.
Worthless ~~ Once you've been discarded by the narc, your sense of self is non-existent. Regardless of how confident you were or how much you did or didn't love yourself going in to the relationship, you are left shattered and, if you are lucky, a shell of who you once were. It is ESSENTIAL during this time that you NOT engage in negative self-talk. Although you may feel it, you are NOT worthless. You are HUMAN. And you have endured a helluva nightmare. Brainwashing ~~ The narc is a MASTER manipulator. The methodical emotional and psychological breakdown of a victim is one of the narc's most insidious acts of abuse. It took me nearly two years before I could even admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that the relationship was Abusive. I think that deep down I KNEW it to be true, but I couldn't call it by name b/c of the fear and guilt I felt for my abuser. Add to that the overwhelming feeling of doubt he'd instilled in me. You MUST be patient with yourself once you break free to the other shore. It takes a LONG time to reclaim your OWN MIND. So please, please give yourself time to find the Truth you so desperately need to heal. No Boundaries ~~ Essentially, the narc took ALL of you and trampled it beyond recognition. EVERYTHING you stood for, believed, thought, etc... has been defiled by the narc. In addition, all the shame and blame for the narc's toxic behavior has also been thrust upon YOUR shoulders -- yeah, he/she lied, cheated, hit you, etc... but YOU are the one who is painted as the abuser. Once you are able to see the relationship for the illusion it truly was, it becomes easier to sort through all the Bullshit to find what you KNOW is representative of YOU. Validation ~~ Once I left my abuser, the ONLY thing I wanted was for someone to tell me I WAS NOT CRAZY. I needed reassurance all the time that I was NOT the person the narc wanted others to believe me to be. I wanted ANSWERS. What gave him the right to be such a Conniving Evil Prick? Why ME? How could he simply waltz away like NOTHING happened? What kind of soulless, depraved Asshole could behave like that and think it is OK? Once I began talking to others who had been where I was and started seeing a therapist all the pieces began falling into place. I know I will NEVER get all the answers I seek b/c there aren't any... and I will, likewise, NEVER get an apology from him.
But you know what? It doesn't matter anymore. I don't WANT an apology. Mainly, b/c I KNOW any semblance of an apology would 1) cause him immense pain to even utter and, 2) it would NOT be genuine.
I will live the rest of my days a VERY happy and contented woman if I NEVER have to lay eyes on him again. Now that does not mean that I cannot practice compassion. I pray for him... Often... From a GREAT DISTANCE, a SAFE DISTANCE b/c if there is ANYONE who is in need of guidance,compassion, forgiveness and kindness it's him and those like him.
As I've said time and again, YES I still get angry. But I don't let that anger dominate me or my life. I let it come. I let it go. And I've noticed over time, its visits are less frequent and don't last nearly as long as they once did.
And that is just it, the narc WANTS you to be angry, resentful, hurt, broken, lost... Why give him/her what HE/SHE wants when 1) it is detrimental to YOUR well-being and, 2) life is now all about YOU... yes, YOU.
It is at this point, you MUST remember, YOU are in control now.
Once the narc figures out that you are NC with him/her I promise you he/she will use EVERY POSSIBLE MEANS to slither back into the tiniest crack to throw you off track and regain his/her hold over you. He/she will likely go from one extreme to the other --- from "admitting" fault and promising you the World to a full-on offensive that smears you to the point its like he/she is trying to eradicate your existence. It is often during this phase the abuse and violence escalate.
YOU CANNOT BUDGE.
I KNOW it is difficult. But you MUST be consistent and firm in your resolve. Even when the narc's FMs come a knockin' or calling, you CANNOT react. Period.
I've said it before and I will say it again, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
When you implement NC, YOU are setting necessary boundaries for YOUR healing. The narc and his/her happiness are no longer of any concern to you. YOU make the rules. YOU are finally back in control.
It is ESSENTIAL that you maintain NC -- otherwise, you risk MORE trauma, re-attachment and all the foulness that goes with it.
Don't worry, the narc's grandiose sense of entitlement and power will provide plenty of rope for him/her to hang him-/herself (figuratively speaking of course). Once they get mouthy, they get sloppy and start to stumble. Let him/her stumble AND FALL.
No worries, the fall won't cause the narc too much harm --- it just hastens the inevitable. You know, the part where those who have supported and bought in to the narc's delusions and lies but realize they have been duped.
"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over,
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done.
But I don't wanna live that way,
Reading into every word you say,
You said that you could let it go,
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know.."
~~ Gotye, "Somebody That I Used to Know"
Triangulation is one of the first terms you learn in Narcology 101.
If there isn't drama, the narc is NOT happy. And one sure-fire way to spark drama is by triangulation.
It is also one of the WORST forms of domestic abuse in the narc's toolbox.
Domination, control, manipulation -- all these elements are the foundation of the narc-mind. And it is used to help nurture and maintain the ginormous sense of entitlement the narc carries with him/her EVERYWHERE.
Simply put, triangulation is commonly defined as:
Covert or indirect communication (by the narc) to a third party to enlist his/her help to further the narc's agenda. Basically, the narc pits people against one another; like how I said the role I played in the "relationship" was ENTIRELY dependent on who my abuser was talking to.
Regardless of the approach used, the message passed from the narc and/or his FMs to others is usually either totally fabricated or may contain a SINGLE GRAIN of truth at best. But you can be certain, whatever messages are being passed are being exchanged behind your back FOR A REASON.
I used to call my abuser's Flying Monkeys his Harem. Little did I know at the time, but I wasn't too far off.
It would piss him off and I WOULD pay for it, but I didn't care. I was hurt. I was depressed. I was lost.
There are essentially FOUR approaches to Triangulation. We will start with my abuser's ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.
Two-for-One ~~ If you didn't have any insecurities going in to the relationship you sure as hell will when you leave. My abuser THRIVED on attention from the opposite sex -- to the point of (pardon the expression) Nailing Ass and Taking Names... And numbers.
He would oftentimes brag about a woman who had been to his work flirting with him, his ex-wife calling begging him to come back, or an ex-girlfriend (who wasn't actually an "ex" just yet) who just wouldn't stop calling, texting and coming by to see him.
He acted SO helpless. Like he didn't know how to handle the situation (playing the Victim card). He was simply at their mercy, b/c he didn't want to be mean and well, "I'm sure you understand..." he would say.
Essentially what this tactic does is make you feel like you have to love harder and work harder to keep your man/woman interested so he/she doesn't have a "reason" to stray. Well, I'm sorry but, as a general rule, narcs will stray REGARDLESS. And I GUARANTEE he/she will lay the blame at YOUR feet. Remember, NOTHING is the narc's fault. EVER.
Divide and Conquer~~ The narc derives MUCH joy from pitting two parties against one another. Either they get some sort of direct benefit from the conflict or it is simply b/c he/she is bored and needs some entertainment. Either way, the narc preserves his/her 'spotless' image he/she portrays to the world.
Oftentimes, the narc will seek help from family or close friends who are Sympathetic to him/her. Then, the narc will paint YOU as the abuser and rally support from his/her cheerleaders -- essentially, smearing you while pitting his/her 'supporters' against you.
This is why I have previously stated, dividing and conquering was my abuser's way of ensuring that he and ONLY HE controlled ALL information coming in and going out of the relationship.
Recruitment ~~ Narcs are unable to single-handedly maintain control without the help of FMs -- ESPECIALLY when you go NC. Those who rally for the narc's cause have only heard his/her side of the story -- and their support can quickly deteriorate to bullying -- they are OBLIVIOUS to the narc's Agenda. This tactic is right up there with Two-for-One as far as the emotional detriment it causes the victim.
Devalue and Discard ~~ The FINAL phase of the narc's Triangulation. It was at this point my abuser painted ME as the Stalker. Instead of being a rational, emotional human being who DISCUSSES things with his/her partner when a relationship is over, the narc takes the Coward's Way Out. Yes, they are Cowards from the word Go.
For the narc, it is much simpler to confide in others who support their cause. They feel Justified. The narc will NOT deny he/she has confided in others. It's yet another act of emotional abuse.
About 9 times out of 10, the person the narc has been "confiding" in is his/her New Supply.
The SECOND you show any kind of jealousy, anger, or hurt over the matter the narc will use it to his/her advantage. This is yet ANOTHER reason I can't stress Silence enough.
It hurts like hell.
You are left wondering, what is wrong with you? What did you do wrong?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
If the narc has replaced you and is bragging about how happy he/she is with his/her new partner do your happy dance as you make your way to the other shore... FAR, FAR AWAY. Because as soon as the New Supply even hints that he/she suspects something isn't right or leaves early on the narc will be right back to Lovebombing and Hoovering YOU.
Sadly, narcs prey on empaths.
What you are feeling at this stage is real and agonizing. It is difficult to see how much better off you truly are. It is only after you have been AWAY from the narc for a period of time that you finally realize how much easier it is to breathe.
There are no hoops to jump through. You no longer have to walk on eggshells. And, most importantly, you are FINALLY able to concentrate on YOU.
Don't give a Second Thought to the Smear Campaign or the narc's Cowardice Acts. Those who bought stock will discover they were scammed soon enough. I promise.
Rediscovering yourself while, at the same time, allowing yourself permission to fully experience every emotion you feel is the most liberating thing in the world. Like I said, it hurts like HELL for a while, but the pain soon fades to a subtle pang you may feel once in a great while, such as when you allow yourself to reflect on your experience.
Once you regain your footing, it is very difficult to shake the paranoia the narc instilled in you. To this day I am VERY cautious about who I allow in my inner circle. Then add to it the residual trauma. It SUCKS.
But I am here to tell you there IS Light, Truth and LOVE -- REAL LOVE -- on the other side of this ShitStorm you are experiencing.
May the Universe help you claim the guidance and strength necessary to find your way to the opposite shore... It is from there you will take your first steps on the Path that was intended for you all along. And it will be an Amazing Adventure filled with Light, Truth, and Love.
